I know. I’m like two years or something too late. But what the hell is with hipsters wearing boat shoes? Is Vampire Weekend to blame? I spotted the above pair outside the Rock and Roll Hotel on Tuesday for the No Age show. They weren’t the only boat shoes in attendance. Is it ironic? Is it just stoopid? Looks like I’m not the only one questioning this footwear choice.

In a Post feature story out today on the semi-booming H Street (tagged with the lame headline: “H Is For Happening”), the writer leads with a description of the cheap sushi joint Sticky Rice. She sets the scene this way:

Rock music plays, and tattooed waiters with fashionable mullets work the dining room. In each of the two unisex bathrooms you can pick up a phone that calls the other bathroom, a strangely entertaining and potentially useful feature.

So what the hell is a fashionable mullet?

From Politico: Spike, of Top Chef fame, announces that his burger joint is set to open July 7 on Capitol Hill:

Washington, rising in the ranks of food towns but still not quite at the top, is home to Mendelsohn’s parents and sister, which explains his choice to open in the D.C. market. Don’t look for any Palm-esque dignitaries or pundits on the wall, though: “It probably wouldn’t be a great decision to take the political route,” he said. Good Stuff Eatery will be “a neutral cow” — much like the Canadian-born Mendelsohn, whose permanent resident status prevents him from voting in the November election. He admits to having a horse in the ’08 race, though.

“I come from a Democratic family,” he said. “We definitely seem to lean more toward Obama, all of us.”

Note to Spike: Please ditch the hat. It’s making you look—judging from this picture—like a forgotten cast member of “90210.” Do you really want to be the Brian Austin Green of celebrity chefs?

Dear Spike:

I saw you on Saturday walking up 18th Street NW—just a few days after you were eliminated on Top Chef for the mistake of thinking you could make something edible from frozen scallops. Oh, Spike. We passed each other in front of Tryst. Maybe you saw me, too. I definitely noticed you because you were wearing one of your trademark hats, the kind of hats maybe a Beastie Boy would have worn back in the day. Maybe that look still works in Williamsburg. I don’t know. I don’t get up there all that much except for shows.

I also picked up the fact that you were clutching a clipboard. Did you need me to sign something? You should have asked. I am generally against wars, generally very pro-environment, and definitely have a thing or two to say about meters in cabs. But if you had asked, I probably would have told you that I couldn’t sign my name to such causes because I am a journalist. You would have thought I was a righteous jerk. You may have then muttered something about my free weekly seeming smaller than it used to be. So I’m thankful that we only passed each other on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

Don’t worry this is not going to turn into one of those ads frequently found in the back of this publication. Nor can this be a Gawker-stalker style piece. You have probably long since left 18th Street—so what would be the point?

You are probably wondering why I am bothering to write about seeing you. I’m writing because you just looked so down. Maybe you are sore about losing to that chef who makes gross faces at the judges during elimination rounds. Maybe you are still upset that your frozen scallops didn’t beat out her peanut-butter mashed potatoes. Maybe you are tired of wearing those hats.

I am full of speculation because we didn’t talk. We just passed each other. I was too chicken to say anything.

I’m here now to tell you to chill out. You still have your burger restaurant opening, your “pilot” that will surely launch a burger franchise. You still seem like a pretty good chef with a passion that translated well at least on television screens. Don’t worry. There’s no way that you turned into this guy.

Anyway. So when is that restaurant opening here? And who do you think will win Top Chef?

–Jason Cherkis

Several years ago, during a staff meeting, I stood up Obama-like [OK--Kerry-like] and declared that we needed to call for an end to business as usual in Washington. The paper needed to let me write a gazillion-word rant–or at least a 100-word item–against flip-flops.

Flip-flops should not be worn when walking city streets. They are ugly. Sandals are OK. But flip-flops are stupid. I just think those shoes are not meant for cities. If we aspire to a certain gritty good time, flip-flops shouldn’t be part of the landscape. You can wear them in college. You can wear them at the beach. You can wear them in your gym’s locker room. But that’s about it.

Maybe you all can see why I wasn’t allowed to write my rant. In fact, I was pretty much laughed out of the room. The response to my rant idea was brutal.

But now comes DCist with a report on the Black Cat banning the offensive shoes. Finally, there are people out there who agree with me.

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Michael Peirce

Ages: 28

Residence: Mount Pleasant

Occupation: “musician/DJ/cosmic hobo/vagabond dandy”

Spotted: 6:30 p.m.; Meeps Vintage Fashionette, 2104 18th St. NW.

Style Definition: “Ethereal.” Peirce says he likes to shop at “friends’ houses…friends’ closets.” His friend, proprietress of “Bad Ass Unicorn,” embellished the back of his velvet blazer.

Hipster Giveaway: Devendra Banhart, anyone? Get this man a beard.

Thrift & Gift: Peirce’s pants were a thrift-store purchase. Pointing to nearly every other item he’s wearing, he says, “Gift, gift, gift…”

Ironic Footwear: Wallabies, also a gift.

Brush-Off: “Usually I’m still wearing the same clothes,” says Peirce. “Or it takes five minutes.”

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Sabrina Santiago, Megan Hofer, and Bipan Neupane

Ages: 16, 15, and 19

Residence: Woodbridge, Va.

Occupation: students

Spotted: 2 p.m., in the H&M at F & 11th Streets NW

Destination: shopping, then Chinese food

Style Definition: Santiago prefers “straight leg jeans and printed tees,” while Hofer says her look includes “weird colors and weird accessories.” Neupane says, “I like whatever’s comfortable, and that sometimes includes ladies’ clothes.”

Hipster Giveaway: a guy wearing thick black glasses and women’s jeans

Ironic Tee: Neupane sports a shirt that says “Plain White T’s,” a piece of band merch that’s actually gray, black, and various neon colors.

Ironic Footwear: All three were wearing Vans or Vans knock-offs.

Brush-Off: Santiago and Hofer say it takes them an hour to get ready, but Neupane says it takes him 10 minutes.

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Hilarie Shanley

Age: 25

Residence: Capitol Hill

Occupation: works at a PR firm and is studying to be a teacher

Spotted: 1:30 p.m., F and 12th Streets NW

Destination: Dupont Circle, to help her boyfriend find Camper shoes

Hipster Giveaway: a pinafore dress with blue tights and an American Apparel sack

Style Definition: “I just really like wearing dresses with empire waists,” Shanley says.

Ironic Footwear: teal flats, because she wants to be the same height as her boyfriend

Fruit Fetish: “I like mismatched colors. I feel like a big, giant blueberry today.”

Brush-Off: Shanley says it takes her 10 minutes to get dressed. “I’ll just kind of rummage around.”

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Alana Skyring and Ed Jurken III

Age: 24; 27

Residence: Brisbane, Australia; Chicago, Ill.

Occupation: drummer for The Grates, who played the Black Cat on Tuesday; concert promoter

Spotted: 7:20 p.m., New Hampshire Avenue and 18th Street NW

Destination: desperately seeking a restaurant after a day of sightseeing

Style Definition: “Anything that can fit in a suitcase and doesn’t get rumply,” Skyring says. Jurken describes his style as being “very practical…repetitive.”

Hipster Giveaway: mismatched dress, stockings, and boots for her; argyle sweater and grandpa glasses for him

Ironic Footwear: royal-blue stockings and brown leather boots from New York City. “You can’t get good boots?[or] stockings in Australia,” Skyring says.

Bleak Market: When asked if she had or would be doing any shopping in D.C., Skyring replied, “Not from what I’ve seen of it so far. Except for some George Bush postcards.”

Brush-Off: Skyring estimates it took her 40 seconds to get ready, and Jurken says 35 for him. “It’s not easy to get clothes in my size,” says the 6-foot-8 Jurken. “I’ve got two outfits.”

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Matt Huber

Age: 24

Residence: Capitol Hill

Occupation: employee at a furniture store near Dulles, Va.

Spotted: buying produce at Eastern Market

Destination: home, with groceries

Style Definition: “I don’t really have [a style]. It’s a relaxed look.” Huber says he likes thrift stores and U Street shops.

Hipster Giveaway: Members Only jacket, lots of stripes, and tote bags with silk-screened patches of elephants and an anatomically correct heart

DIY Item: A friend made the patches, and Huber sewed and duct-taped them onto free totes.

Ironic Footwear: Adidas sneakers from Nordstrom Rack

Brush-Off: “I don’t have many clothes, but I wear them a lot.”

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Alexis Dane

Age: 23

Residence: Portland, Ore., with a sister who lives in Dupont Circle

Occupation: works at Naked City, a boutique

Spotted: H&M on M Street NW, in Georgetown

Destination: the dressing room

Style Definition: “I like a lot of black.”

Hipster Giveaway: red lipstick, cropped bangs, skinny jeans, and lots of chunky plastic accessories

H&Mmm…: Lamenting that the chain hasn’t opened a store in her city, Dane says, “Every time I come to D.C. I have to come to H&M at least twice…I have an H&M fund.” Another favorite brand is Lux Deville, whose leopard-print bag Dane is sporting and whose slogan is “handbags that will tear your heart out.”

Ironic Footwear: “I love Vans. I wear Vans all the time.”

Brush-Off: “It doesn’t take me long—10 minutes—to get dressed. Most of my stuff is in the same color grouping. I can just grab a shirt and throw it with some jeans.”

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Samantha Fernandez and Patrick McLauchlan

Ages: 22, 21

Occupations: George Washington University student, University of Texas student

Residences: Foggy Bottom; Austin, Texas

Spotted: M Street and Wisconsin Avenue NW

Destination: shopping

Style Definition: McLauchlan says he likes to mix eras and combine new and vintage pieces. He describes his look as “Bold—I’m my own theme party, pretty much.” Fernandez says she’s “futuristic rock ’n’ roll.”

Hipster Giveaway: Unusual hairstyles, tight clothes, and giant designer sunglasses. Looking like they should be on tour.

Notable Accessories: McLauchlan’s cell phone features a Glo Worm charm, and he says he has a fur collar “that I just like to put on things.” Fernandez has 13 piercings.

Ironic Footwear: Houndstooth-print socks and vintage leather loafers for him, dark teal flats for her.

Brush-Off: Fernandez says she has been wearing “really tight pants for a really long time.…I don’t get mad about trends. I work at Urban Outfitters—how can I?”

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Mariah Brant, Javannie Richards, Lizzy Unger, and “Eon” Voke

Age: 15, 14, 15, and 13, respectively

Occupation: students

Residence: Silver Spring

Spotted: Massachusetts Avenue NW at Dupont Circle

Destination: CVS

Style Definition: Brant, in all black, says, “colorful.” But concedes, “I know it seems ironic right now.” Voke, the self-proclaimed freshman, dresses “butchy, ’cause I wear loose crap.” Richards and Unger add “individual” and “unique” to the mix.

Hipster Giveaway: band T-shirts, less-than-pristine houndstooth, and a bright pink tote with revolvers and various buttons

Herd Mentality: When asked if they influence one another’s style, Brant speaks for the group: “Not really. We’re all different sizes. It’s not easy to steal each other’s clothes.”

Ironic Footwear: Aside from the present black-and-white-striped Vans with skulls and polka dotted Vans, Chucks are a favorite. Brant particularly loves her orange pair. “I love Chucks, too,” adds Richards. “But you don’t wear cool ones,” Brant retorts.

Brush-Off: Breaking a high-school-girl stereotype, the ladies say they only take 4 to 15 minutes to get ready.

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Melissa Allen

Age: 33

Occupation: freelance graphic designer

Residence: Cleveland Park

Spotted: Dupont Metro, Q Street entrance, waiting for her husband

Destination: Tabaq Bistro on U Street NW

Style Definition: “I hate to be so vanilla…but…eclectic. I love boutique-y and thrift stores.”

Hipster Giveaway: Looking like you’re a starving artist when you’re actually loaded. Allen’s tunic is from Anthropologie ($128), and her brown leather messenger bag is by Bally ($859 on styledrops.com).

Color Palette: Allen doesn’t have a favorite color and chooses not to coordinate her shoes with her bag, belt, etc. “I hate matchy-matchy.”

Ironic Footwear: boots by Frye ($253.95 on zappos.com)

Brush-Off: “I just wear what I’m in the mood for.”

’Cause lookin’ cool ain’t easy.

Name: Khalid Larkin

Age: 25

Occupation: Cafe Saint-Ex employee

Residence: Shaw

Spotted: 7:45 p.m., 14th and S Streets NW

Destination: Barnes & Noble in Georgetown, to read

Style Definition: “Small T-shirts, tight [Levi's] jeans. [My style] is first-wave punk. That’s the music I listen to, so that’s the look I go for.”

Hipster Giveaway: He looks like a bike messenger but isn’t one. Speaking about his hat, he says, “I just wear them because it helps with the sweat.” His Peugeot bike cost him $50 at L&N Thrift.

Tattoos: Three on his forearm—a snake on a heart, a beet, and a parallelogram. “My friend Leroy said, ‘You should join my beet club!’”

DIY Item: A white T-shirt with Sharpie drawings of shapes and birds created by friend and artist Alicia Cosnahan.

Ironic Footwear: Low-top black Chuck Taylor Converses he has worn every day for six months

Brush-Off: “It took me five minutes.”