People still don’t get it: Man with H.I.V. sent to prison for trying to contaminate a police officer with … his saliva.

California high court approves Satan’s plan.

Did two people need to die here? A former diplomat shot and killed his sickly wife after finding her collapsed on the sidewalk. Then he shot himself.

The Smithsonian pimps itself out.

Woe to Gossip Girl fans world-wide, the CW is in trouble, and it’s all your fault.

Fun document from Princess Sparkle Pony: An appeals case from Texas in which the deadly weapon is none other than Baby Jesus!

Tonight, step right up to the Palace of Wonders for a special “Weirdo Show” performance to benefit local jugger, magician, and pirate worker Johnny Anderson, who has been in and out of the hospital after having his leg crushed by a car last June. The benefit features performances by conjurer Eric Henning, vaudeville comedians Phillips and Flathead, glass-walker Mab Just Mab, and burlesque dancer Sugar Ann Spice. Proceeds will go towards Anderson’s surgical bills.

Anderson’s wife, sword-swallower Charon Henning, has had her one share of side-show related medical emergencies; check out this March S&T on local sword swallower injuries for more on her. Anderson’s injury, though, didn’t occur at the side-show, but rather outside it.

The circumstances of Anderson’s injury are weirder than sword-swallowing, glass-walking, and pirate-working combined. John Spitzer, a.k.a. Weirdo Show emcee Professor Sprocket, says that Anderson’s leg was crushed outside the Palace’s first anniversary bash when a D.C. police cruiser made a sudden U-turn, striking Anderson. Anderson and Henning pressed charges couldn’t find a lawyer to press charges. Says Spitzer, “now the District doesn’t have any record of the incident, and the officer in question seems to have disappeared.”

File that one away in your brain’s personal Museum of Oddities, then go check out the real deal at the Palace. “Every penny goes to Johnny and Charon,” says Spitzer. The benefit costs $10 at the door; throughout the show, the audience can also engage in some betting games to help raise additional funds. Be glad it’s going to a good cause: “Never bet against a carny,” warns Spitzer.

The benefit show begins at 9 p.m. tonight at the Palace of Wonders, 1210 H Street NE.

The 2008 AltWeekly Awards finalists, announced yesterday, include six from Washington City Paper, which also published two out of the three stories nominated for best feature among the highest-circulation altweeklies in the U.S. and Canada.

The City Paper was also named among finalists in the photography, blog, arts criticism, and music criticism categories for papers with circulations above 55,000. Only the L.A. Weekly, with eight nominations, received more nods than Washington City Paper. More than 1,400 entries from 129 papers were submitted.

Dave Jamieson’s June 1, 2007, cover story, “Letters From an Arsonist,” about the motivations of a man who torched D.C. for decades, and Joe Eaton’s Sept. 28, 2007, cover story, “The Battle Over Heavy T,” about an obese teenager on the run from social workers, were feature finalists. Jamieson has also been named a finalist in the local reporting category for the Livingston Award, a national award for journalists younger than 35.

Staff Photographer Darrow Montgomery, who has been with City Paper for more than 20 years, was also named a 2008 finalist. He has previously won three AltWeekly Awards, including one for first place.

In the Arts Criticism category, Jeffry Cudlin was named a finalist for reviews on the artwork of Edward Hopper, Wolfgang Tillman, and Mingering Mike, and for his review of Modernism: Designing a New World at the Corcoran.

Sarah Godrey is a finalist in the music criticism category based on her reviews of artists Trey Songz, J. Holiday, 50 Cent, Kanye West, and T.I..

The Washington City Paper staff blog, City Desk, was named among the three best blogs for circulation 55,000 and over. The blog was judged overall and for three submitted entries, including breaking news by Arthur Delaney from the Eastern Market fire, Show & Tell Columnist Amanda Hess’ take on “Yuppies, Goths, and Other Groups I Don’t Identify With,” and the tax scam hearing liveblog by Loose Lips Columnist Mike DeBonis.

This is the 13th year for the AltWeekly Awards. Within the past 12, Washington City Paper has won 47 awards in the highest circulation categories, second only to the L.A. Weekly, which has won 61. Third-highest among largest-circ award-winners is City Pages (Twin Cities) at 28, according to the Association for Alternative Newsweeklies.

Washington City Paper is owned by Creative Loafing, which also owns the Chicago Reader and Creative Loafing Atlanta, Charlotte, Tampa, and Sarasota.

Among the 2008 finalists, John Sugg from Creative Loafing Atlanta was a named in the Political Column category for circulation over 55,000. The Chicago Reader’s Lee Sandlin was also named a finalist for arts criticism.

The AltWeekly Awards honor superior journalism and graphic design among alternative newsweeklies. The contest seeks to promote excellence by recognizing work that is well written, incisively reported, and effectively challenges established orthodoxies. Winners will be announced at the annual Association of Alternative Newsweeklies convention, June 5-7, in Philadelphia.

*Edwards backs Obama. “The reason I am here tonight is the voters have made their choice, and so have I,” he tells the crowd.

*Marie Cocco of the Washington Post also writes a post-mortem on the Clinton campaign. But, her angle is quite different: “Misogyny I Won’t Miss” reads the headline.

*And the next Leonard Downie is…The Politico’s Michael Calderone writes about some possibilities floating out there.

*Barack Obama calls a female reporter ’sweetie, then apologizes for it, according to a Politico blog. One commenter response: “I can confirm that yesterday in Missouri he called a 9-year-old girl ’sweetie.’ He isn’t lying when he says it’s a habit.”

*Another person has been charged in the Sean Taylor murder.

*Marion Barry goes on The O’Reilly Factor. No joke.

* Via WTOP: D.C. ranks fifth on the national road rage scale. But rejoice! The District is still the “No. 1 place for drivers to slam on their brakes at the last possible second.”

* Item! Reliable Source keeps the snoozy Jenna Bush wedding deets coming: H.W. in seersucker! Housekeeper’s granddaughter-turned-flower girl! Ask Argetsinger and Roberts: “Think we can close the book on this wedding now?” Yes.

* For those who missed last weekend’s avant-alterna-mud fest, check out BYT’s Radiohead photoset.

* Prince of Petworth, pushing the boundaries of his “[item] of the [amount of time]” formula, posts a new Tattoo of the Week. File this one under “Obscure Reference of the Week”: “He mentioned it had something to do with Richard Pryor. Does that ring a bell with anyone?”

* Vice Magazine combines two fan favorites, cats and outfits, in this special feature on cats in outfits (complete with a positively haunting series of feline photographs). An interview with cat tailor Takako Iwase yields many gems, including this one:

Cats love to be complimented. You can’t be half-assed about it either. Yov’ve got to be like, “OH MY GOD, you are so CUTE, you’re the best cat EVER!!” and they will actually feel it and feel better about wearing the clothes.

* Oh, just put it all off and check out Slate’s procrastination issue.

Photo by Ralph Hockens.

There’s a nice piece in Express‘ Fit section today about Phoenix Bike Shop in Arlington, which I picked as Best Bike Shop a few weeks ago. That wasn’t an easy choice—I frequent a few bike shops and am deliriously happy with most of them. City Bikes, right near our office, is a classic local bike shop, with great stock, friendly clerks, and perhaps the greatest wrenches in the city. Spokes Etc. in Alexandria is also a fine shop, and I hear great things about the Bike Rack and pretty much every other LBS in the area.

What makes Phoenix great isn’t the fact that you can get a fully rehabbed bike with a nice ’70s lugged frame for less than $100, it’s that kids in south Arlington, which comprises some of the poorest areas of the county, can earn a sharp ride just by helping out around the shop. The shop’s director, Colin Dixon, and chief mechanic, John Harpold, take kids out on rides every week. “I just have always seen bikes and used bikes not as a lifestyle but as the best part of how to get things done,” Dixon told me. And that’s why I think his shop is the best, even with such stiff competition.

New Columbia Heights starts a new series called Beer Run. While the Heights Life “investigates” a new wine shop. And Prince of Petworth writes that a tavern is coming to U Street which may or may not boast live reggae bands.

Mr. T in DC finds $20 on a Metro platform: “There wasn’t anyone nearby who may have dropped it, and my first instinct was to bring it to the station manager in case anyone claims it. However…” Go to the gentleman’s site to find out what happens next!

Penn Quarter Living wonders: What’s the frickin’ deal with big umbrellas? Pop Cesspool offers extensive coverage of a very wet Jazz Fest.

Your wake-up morning song: “We’re Through” By James Pants. (Thank You, Pop Cesspool).

1. Big Changes for Style? by Erik Wemple

2. Summer Muggin’ by Ruth Samuelson

3. The Region Strikes Again by Mike DeBonis

4. Earthquake, Anybody? by Dave McKenna

5. Mystery Solved! Kind of. by Arin Greenwood

6. Kids in the Hall Crush Update: Waning by Amanda Hess

7. Buffets: When a Bowl of Lettuce Just Won’t Do… by Ruth Samuelson

8. Which Country’s Sex Profile Do You Sex Sex Sex? by Amanda Hess

9. Marx Cafe: You Are So Not Cool by Jason Cherkis

10. Should I See a Doctor? by Mike DeBonis

Photo by DCMetblogger

Dear Jason,

Enough with the goddamn election.

Sincerely,

Your had-it-up-to-here coworkers

With Wemple out on vacation, the proletariat takes over his office to discuss the changes they’d make as editor. Watch out, Wemple! Heed the voice of the people!

[Elsewhere at the City Paper, anarchy abounds as Amanda Hess fills in for Wemple in an upcoming episode of Fuego/Frio. Stay tuned!]

In his column this week, LL held forth on the glories of budget earmarks—in particular, Mayor Adrian M. Fenty’s move to porkify money from ballpark-related development.

LL said of Fenty’s move, “Don’t expect much opposition on the D.C. Council,” and explained how At-Large Councilmember Kwame R. Brown had appropriated dollars for his own favorite groups, “all but ensuring that the budget will continue to be nicely porked with ballpark dollars for years to come.”

Well, seems LL was dead wrong: According to draft budget legislation being passed around the John A. Wilson Building yesterday—a draft that reflected changes made during a six-plus hour closed-door meeting of councilmembers Wednesday—the council plans to cut out the mayor’s “community benefits” maneuver when they take up the budget next Tuesday. No word on exactly what happened, but it looks like Council Chairman Vincent C. Gray’s followed through on his pledges to get a handle on earmarks. Also no word yet on how the $2.23 million projected to flow into the community benefit fund will actually be spent.

Other tidbits from the draft legislation:

What’s out? A provision that would require city agencies to closely track their employment positions….language that would have made DCPS subject to the same budget-hearing procedures as any other agency….several provisions concerning youth services, including one that would establish a central “Office for Youth Mentoring” and another that would required training in child-abuse reporting….the proposed “budget reserve,” which would be used to pay settlements and judgments and other unforeseen city expenses.

What’s in? The watered-down “Healthy DC” plan….the $10 million for Ford’s Theatre….the Klingle Road closing provision.

More to come.

Americans are still paranoid about seeming pink. The fine arts commission threatens to veto planned statue of MLK because it looks too confrontational, like Social Realist art from totalitarian Communist regimes. Puh-leeze.

I’m calling bullshit on this out of the gate. White House “study” links teen marijuana smoking to the risk of mental illness later in life. Wah? Any evidence that marijuana actually causes mental illness? How about a study showing that kids who listen to Nick Drake are more likely to suffer from moodiness? Or write crappy love notes? Zero skepticism from the Post.

An example of what sounds like Munchausen by proxy in Frederick, Md. The local paper also has a whodunit main story on several garden gnomes that appeared in front of downtown businesses yesterday.

And Now, Anacostia updates the Salvation Army construction. The assessment: “this is turning into somewhat of a hodge-podge monstrosity.”

Artomatic starts tonight.

Obama’s starting to assume a win.