It’s thunderstorm season. I should know that. I’ve lived here forever. And yet, recently, I have often found myself stuck without an umbrella, covering head and shoulders with an old T-shirt or an old issue of this fine publication (the wider pages would have come in handy; the smaller edition just doesn’t cut it). I usually end up cursing the rain.

Screw you rain, I will say. Or worse.

During the last major T-storm, I was riding back to work on a Metro bus. We had just passed 14th and Irving Streets NW when the bus pulled over and idled. A minute passed. The rain beat hard on the bus roof. Ping. Ping. Ping. Finally, a man sweating through his undershirt hollered to the bus driver a serious what-the-hell-is-going-on!

The bus driver complained that the doors had stopped working. He couldn’t close the doors. He said he could close them but not through the authorized way. He had to call the home office.

The home office told him he had to wait for repairs. The rain started to sound a lot meaner. We could wait it out on the bus or leave. I left. I ended up running home—five long blocks—and getting soaked. Awesome.

Last night, I was all the way across town at the D.C. Jail when the rain hit. Can I confess something? I started to get scared. I thought about bailing, pulling over and waiting out the thunder and lightning around 10th and S Streets NW. I am genuinely freaked that a tree will topple onto my car and I will die. I kept thinking: Which are the ugly streets without old trees?

Thank God for the new Target complex. No old trees!

So I stuck with it and made it home and even found a parking space. I picked up an old hoodie from the trunk of my car, wrapped it around my head, and scampered home. My pants and backpack got soaked. But I was just glad to be home.

A few weeks ago, Mr. T in DC complained about the new crossing guards posted at the DCUSA’s Big Box Heaven in Columbia Heights. Mr. T writes:

In one sense, their deployment is a remarkable show of efficiency and planning by the DC government. In addition, the city repaved a bumpy stretch of 14th just north of Target, and laid down new crosswalk striping at some of the key intersections in the vicinity….

However, it seems to me the crossing guards are actually slowing things down for both vehicular and pedestrian traffic. The mere presence of people in the middle of the road, wearing bright yellow, waving arms, and blowing whistles is causing some hesitation, especially when they contradict the traffic lights. For pedestrians, they are slowing everyone down by insisting on strict but unrealistic compliance with the walk/don’t walk signals.”

I think Mr. T has a point. I know I hesitate just a little bit when turning on to my street. Hey! I don’t want to hit and/or piss off one of those whistle-blowing crossing guards! Still. At first the traffic wasn’t terrible with the new Target. It just meant that nearly every day felt like Sunday. Instead of churchgoers parking on my block, we have shoppers clutching huge reams of toilet paper.

The traffic has become terrible. I noticed with the opening of Best Buy, 14th Street NW became what we all thought it would–a huge headache. This past Saturday, a line of cars stretched from 14th and Irving to well past the old Giant. Basically, the traffic was backed up as far as the eye could see. It was around noon.

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Within hours of this morning’s fire in Mount Pleasant, various non-profits and government agencies hit the scene. And it looks like the hundreds of people displaced by the fire will not have to spend the night inside a rec center. They are being put up in hotels, reports Jason Yuckenberg, Councilmember Jim Graham’s spokesperson.

Also,Yuckenberg notes, a number of property owners have called Graham’s office to offer help. “We have many, many individuals coming forward offering rooms to rent at low cost or for free,” he says.

But these are temporary fixes.

As for the new Target possibly helping…

“I gave Target a call earlier today,” Yuckenberg reports. “They’ve always really come through.” But he adds: “I have not been able to reach our contact today.”

OK. Late Monday, Prince of Petworth posted a blog item on the rumors going around that people were getting robbed after leaving the new Target. Everyone–including City Desk chased those rumors.

We got word from Councilmember Jim Graham’s office that the rumors were bullshit.

Then came WTOP’s report of a teenage arrested for multiple robberies around the Columbia Heights Metro stop.

And finally, Prince of Petworth actually heard from a real cop dishing a real scoop. Acting Third District Inspector Edward Delgado e-mailed this:

What you hear are rumors regarding this incident that have no bearing or merit. What actually occurred was that store employees that were caught stealing from the Target. Rumors like this cast a negative light on Columbia Heights and will discourage developers and new home owners from investing in Columbia Heights.

Tonight we reached Acting Inspector Delgado. Guess what? His email, he says now, is utterly false. Here’s what he had to say: “I researched it a little more. That turned out not to be true. There’s a lot of rumors circulating around this target store. Nothing happened at the Target store.”

No employees arrested? “No. I searched all the police reports that we have at the third district and I didn’t see anything.”

Why send out the email? “That was what I was told. I took that as gospel and I was wrong.”

Delgado says he heard the information of the robberies from another officer. He says he now regrets sending out that e-mail.

Jesus.

Delgado assures that there has not been a spike in crime around the new Target.

We heard the rumors too: People are being robbed after leaving the new Target. This morning, our street-smart editor heard from some very low-to-the-ground sources that this may in fact be happening. I gladly(!) made several dozen calls on this. OK. I made three. One to Councilmember Jim Graham’s cellphone. And two more to two different police officials.

I refused to go to the Target for fear that the big-box store had become way too dangerous even for daring reporters.

Finally a call back! This is what Jason Yuckenberg, public information officer with Graham’s office, had to say:

“We immediately contacted MPD. And there is no confirmed reports of any incidents of people being robbed coming out of Target. At this point this is strictly rumor unless we hear otherwise.”

Buying slotted spoons from Target is now safe.

Target Watch Part 2: I got shit around the office for my previous post. But so what. This morning I hung out on 14th Street and noticed:

a) The area in front of the Target entrance reverted to a ghost town.

b) The mounted police were gone.

c) The rumored ticketing of jaywalkers is still just a rumor. But a cop got on his cruiser’s loudspeaker to yell at an elderly couple hobbling across Monroe far from a cross walk. It was ridiculous.

d) Sticky Fingers is almost always crowded. Don’t vegans have jobs?

Target Watch: My first weekend with the new Target produced surprising finds.

1) Why did the D.C. Police Department feel it necessary to post two horse-mounted cops across from the big-box store? Did the department think Target needed some extra protection?

2) There were almost as many people applying for jobs as waiting in line to purchase stuff. That’s a good thing.

3) The amount of traffic on 14th Street wasn’t so bad. Traffic was much, much worse on the side streets.

4) Total cost of my purchases–slotted spoon, paper towels, strainer, and vegetable peeler–came to $13.60. Cheap!

That intersection is a total disaster of urban planning. The traffic will from now on always suck. It’s ugly. And there is nowhere to sit. The designers obviously thought they were being all civic-minded by incorporating a nice big open plaza–filled with gravel. But there are no benches. Who wants to sit on gravel? Actually, maybe they thought of that too, and decided they didn’t want me to hang out.

Also, this is a good time to mourn Mitch Hedberg once again. One of his best jokes is about Target.

As usual, it’s to the point: “I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.” Watch the real deal here, around minute 2:50.

Maybe we could all stage a protest in which we aim and miss at the Target doors until someone builds some benches.

Obvious Post About Target Opening: Now that it is here, let us all now commence to fetishizing the Target. Let’s all eyeball the tube socks, bags of kitty litter, rows of shiny carts, and parade of blenders.