When The New York Times invited me, today, to spend 36 hours in Baltimore, I scoffed. My relationship with Charm City is, at best, strained.

As a kid from PA, I enjoyed trips to the aquarium and Camden Yards, but now I choose to overlook Charm City, the “forgotten middle child among attention-getting Eastern cities.” I can appreciate its scene; doing listings, I occasionally get postcards about the city’s more adventurous art openings. I’ve been to Ottobar and liked it.

The crime doesn’t do much for me, though, and I’ve never watched The Wire. All my warm fuzzies about seeing dolphins and home runs and Spoon left because of some thief. In 2003, a friend’s car was stolen from classy-sounding Art Museum Drive while we attended a concert at Johns Hopkins. We’d driven from D.C., and while I didn’t get stabbed or shot or even lose much in the car, it meant a long, expensive cab ride in the middle of the night. (To boot, the only person I know at Hopkins is a jerk.) Considering I don’t like seafood, even crab cakes can’t lure me back.

If I want East Coast “working class,” I head for Philly. I’m sure plenty of Baltimore’s residents are very happy, but E. A. Poe’s mysterious death there is yet another reminder to me of the dangers of too much time spent in those parts.

Feel free to disagree.

Project 4: Consider exploring Puerto Rican artist Nayda Collazo-Llorens’ “Navigable Zones.” Featuring paintings, drawings, and video installations, the exhibit is about finding, and sometimes losing, your way. Reception is tomorrow, Sat., 5/12, from 6 to 8:30 p.m., with a talk by Collazo-Llorens at 5:30 p.m.

If you can’t shell out the astounding $280 to attend Saturday’s “Beyond Sushi” symposium featuring Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, get a taste of Asia in these galleries’ collaborative project Big in Japan.

Shigeko Bork Mu Project: “Meditation Rooms” features works by Yumi Kori and Shinji Turner-Yamamoto, whose art examines the interplay between traditional and contemporary Japanese culture. Reception is tomorrow, Sat., 5/12, from 5 to 8 p.m.

Transformer: A mix of old and new, “Not Only A, But Also B” showcases the works of Aki Goto, Misaki Kawai, Chikara Matsumoto, Kazuyuki Takezaki, and Soju Tao. See where manga, Hiroshige, and Tokyo subculture come together. Reception is tomorrow, Sat., 5/12, from 7 to 9 p.m.

I was sad to learn today that Abe Graber, a 103-year-old artist I interviewed back in March, passed away on April 16 after a bout of pneumonia. As if living more than a century weren’t impressive, the Gaithersburg, Md., resident studied under Arshile Gorky; painted a 50-by-20-foot mural when partially blind and 96 years old; and continued painting even after he became legally blind. You can see some of his art on his Web site.

Photograph by Charles Steck

Meat Market Gallery: Named after his wife, Gerald Wartofsky’s exhibit “Karin” draws inspiration from her childhood dolls and her dance choreography. Her childhood, though, was in WWII Vienna, and Wartofsky’s works incorporate characters that are more Golem than anything with a cute dress and curls. Reception is tonight, 5/4, from 6 to 8:30 p.m.

Sixth & I Historic Synagogue: The reception has passed, but keep the new exhibit on your radar. “Roman Vishniac’s Berlin” features photographs of everyday life in 1930s Berlin and documents Jewish communities on the eve of war. In these photos, discovered only after his death, Vishniac captures warmth and sadness with an even hand and reverence.

Flashpoint: If you’re feeling Proustian, check out Flashpoint’s memory-focused “Penumbra.” As the name would imply, the installations, a collaborative effort by Megan Jacobs and Anna Westfall, are all about light and shadow. Reception is tonight, Fri., 4/27, from 6 to 8 p.m.

Warehouse Gallery: Show your solidarity for the venue and its longtime owners by checking out Saturday’s “Freeform Bash,” billed on the Web site as an “unconventional party.” The reception will be for exhibits “No Representation” as well as “Supple.” The latter’s curator, J.T. Kirkland, promises multiple bands, including music on the third floor, the one place that belies the building’s age. Reception is tomorrow, Sat., 4/28, from 6 to “???”.

National Air and Space Museum Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center: If you care to go all the way out near Dulles for something other than an inconvenient flight, check out the latest in the Smithsonian “Night at the Museum” series. The Web site promises that you can “meet world-class aircraft preservation and restoration experts and hear about some of their favorite artifacts.” Tomororw, Sat., 4/28, from 7:30 to 9:30 p.m. Free. For reservations call (202) 633-2603.

Govinda Gallery: The folks portrayed in French photographer Claude Gassian’s exhibition “Anonymous” are anything but unknown; they include Mick Jagger, Björk, Tom Waits, and PJ Harvey, just to name a few. Reception is tonight, Friday, 4/13, from 6 to 9 p.m.

Irvine Contemporary: Although not associated with the ColorField Remix exhibits opening District-wide this weekend, “Oliver Vernon: Macro/Micro” doesn’t shy away from a variety of hues. The shapes, though, are small and all over the place, and the paintings look like they’d make great math textbook covers. Reception with the artist is Saturday, 4/14, from 6 to 8 p.m.

And if a gallery isn’t in your plans, consider Teatro de la Luna’s 15th annual Spanish poetry marathon. “La Pluma y la Palabra” features roughly eight hours of readings, all in Spanish, by poets from across Latin America and D.C. as well as Poet Laureate of Virginia Carolyn Kreiter-Foronda. Catch the bulk of it Saturday, 4/14, at Casa de la Luna, from 2-8 p.m.

When I got back to D.C. after a visit to my parents last weekend, I noticed that my shower smelled different. First I thought I was crazy or that I had been spoiled by my parents’ well water. Then, taking a bath last night, I realized the water was more like that of a public pool than a tub. Turns out that as of Saturday, April 7, WASA and the Washington Aqueduct have switched from disinfectant chloramines to chlorine. Tough luck if you are on dialysis, have pet fish, or just hate smelling like pool, but they say the change is only temporary and that things should switch back on May 7.

For now, consider investing in some of this stuff.

Has Knut, the polar bear babe rejected by its mother at the Berlin Zoo and who is 4 months old today, usurped Butterstick’s title as international bear of choice?

The “ice bear,” as the zoo’s translated Web site calls him, gets the May Vanity Fair cover shot by Annie Liebovitz! Sure, he’s included because of the implications of global warming, but my loyalty to Tai Shan tells me that it’s ageist. And Knut is lacking technologically—he may have a blog (only in German), but it’s no Panda Cam.

The National Zoo is, after all, really interested in giving us total access, and, as it happens, TMI. (Fortunately, they have a sense of humor.) For example, their Web site reports on Butterstick’s mom Mei Xiang’s cycle:

Analysis of hormones in her urine as well as vaginal cytology studies confirmed that Mei is in early estrus (also called “periestrus”). On Monday afternoon, we became aware that Mei’s estrus was imminent, based on Tian’s increased intensity and persistence in interacting with Mei. Tian was very interested in approaching Mei’s rear, as well as in standing on her back in some rather haphazard mounts. Mei was not at all pleased with this special attention! She swatted him several times and ran away from him.

Even if Butterstick will grow up not knowing how to have sex, at least, as a friend pointed out to me, he won’t maul baby seals.

Warehouse Gallery: It’s slim pickings for opening receptions in D.C. proper this weekend, but the DeerMilk Collective’s “Werewolf Youth” show offers drawings, paintings, a video installation, half-eaten felt fake wolf limbs, and more. Look for more about the show and the group’s self-appointed curator Mike Lowery in next week’s issue. Reception is tonight from 6 to 8 p.m.

National Museum of Women in the Arts: Not to be outdone by Smithsonian venues that recently have hosted DJ-centric evening events, the private museum is offering “VJ/DJ: After Hours at NMWA.” In addition to having some wine and noshing on tapas, you can check out offerings from Finnish “live cinema artist” Solu, DJ Samantha Waldram, VJ Tesia K, and D.C.’s own First Ladies DJ Collective. Event is tonight, Fri., 3/23, 6 to 10 p.m. $20.

Randall Scott Gallery: Think about furniture and household wares a little differently after seeing the 10-day Josh Urso Design show. The only material used is resin-treated fabric, meaning that a chair that looks like it has a blanket draped over it is, in fact, a chair made of blanket. Apparently they’re still functional. Reception is tonight, Fri., 3/23, 6 to 9 p.m.

Honfleur Gallery: Take the trip to check out the opening reception for the Anacostia gallery’s third show, “Around the World in a Day.” The paintings by Alison Spain are influenced largely by her travels, most recently to Mexico on a Fulbright fellowship. Reception is Sat., 3/24, 7 to 9 p.m.

Transformer: Now that we’ve passed the vernal equinox and the sun’s actually shining, the idea of an exhibit about the “human connection to the natural world” seems just swell. “Natural (dis)Order” features works by recent Corcoran grads Jessica Cebra, Señor Tangcito, and Chad Yencer and Charm City resident Christine Buckton Tillman. Reception with the artists is Sat., 3/24, 7 to 9 p.m.

In its brief program last night about the D.C. modeling scene (what?), Fox 5 seemed to think that one meticulously groomed reporter could outdo years of Tyra Banks’ TV work.

“A lot of pretty faces in the modeling world, but behind the scenes—better have a thick skin,” said Will Thomas.

I’m sorry, Thomas who-apparently-won-an-Emmy-for-reporting-on-Klan-activity-in Maryland, but leave the talk of body image and go-sees to America’s Next Top Model. Leave it to madwoman Janice Dickinson, walk expert Miss J, or queen bee Tyra. With the drama and all those ridiculous photo shoots—posing underwater, suspended in the air, or with tarantulas—how could you ever measure up?

It’s not news that being a model involves a lot of scrutiny and competition, nor that D.C. lacks the fashion scenes of New York and Paris. These models, they have to work second jobs! Turns out that Omar Popal, owner of Adams Morgan’s Napoleon, is a model.

Project 4: If you were the kid who really liked dissecting frogs and fetal pigs, “Specimen” features your kind of art. It involves agar, petri dishes, and unidentifiable things suspended in liquid-filled jars. There’s also a porcelain dog head attached to crocheted entrails. Reception is tonight, 3/16, from 6 to 8:30 p.m.

DCAC: Yeehaw. The District of Columbia Art Center’s new exhibit is the self-explanatory “Jolly Cowboy.” It’s curated by Cara Ober, who had her own show at Flashpoint in February. Reception is tonight, 3/16, from 7 to 9 p.m.

Jerusalem Fund Gallery: For an option that doesn’t involve cowboy hats, consider the work of Doris Bittar, who was born in Baghdad and grew up outside of Beirut. The reception for “Khaldiyeh’s River Rock Story and Other Stories of Resistance” is tonight, 3/16, from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

Embassies: Although their opening receptions have passed, several embassies have new exhibits. (They can help you think of the buildings as more than places of visa-induced hassle.) While most of them are closed on weekends, the Embassy of Finland is open daily, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Its exhibit “Birdhouse,” opening today, features works by Kaj Stenvall, who for some reason or another really likes imagining ducks in various situatons. (Imagine Donald Duck looking out plaintively over the sea.)

Like other City Paper staffers, I’m bugged by the NYT’s new clicking dictionary feature. It does come in handy, though, when the article is about the National Vocabulary Championship.

This is a group that knows what is pulchritudinous and what is pulverulent. This is a group that knows who is nidicoulous and who is nidifugous.

Now granted the article is about a vocab test, not a spelling bee, but clicking “nidicoulous” doesn’t give back any results. That’s because according to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, the NYT’s reference, it should be spelled “nidicolous.” If you’re going to plague readers with pop-ups, please get things right.

Test yourself.

Several promising exhibitions open this weekend, and tonight and tomorrow night you can practice your small talk at the receptions.

Connor Contemporary Art and Gogo Art Projects: Take Cribs and boil it down to blueprints and you’ll get Mark Bennett’s show of architectural drawings of famous sitcom homes at Connor. Then wander over to see Matthew Sutton’s “The Kudzu Project.” Two parties in one! Fri., 3/2, from 6 to 8 p.m.

Marsha Mateyka Gallery: Take the opportunity to ask Swedish artist Madeleine
Hatz why she calls her collection of abstract paintings “Song of the Naked Trees.” Fri., 3/2, from 6 to 8 p.m.

Curator’s Office: Pretty appropriate for a “micro-gallery setting” to host an exhibit called “Business” that features be-doodled business cards splayed across a desk and copier. Sat., 3/3, from 6:30 to 8 p.m.

Hemphill Fine Arts: “Tug of War” has “lowbrow” art that’s colorful and looks fun. Sat., 3/3, from 6:30to 8:30 p.m. There’s also a book signing with artists SHAG, Glenn Barr, Bob Dob, Elizabeth McGrath and Billy Shire on Sunday, 3/4, at 3 p.m.

I imagine that I’d be pretty gushy if I had attended Academy Award after-parties full of movie stars, but the coverage in today’s Post by William Booth and Hank Stuever is really kind of strange. Namely, they inexplicably compare themselves to rodents, in the lede, no less. Then they stroke an Oscar statuette.

Bar. Bar. Bar. We claw onto a corner spot like exhausted little flying squirrels, keen for a drink. Then our radar blips. Oscar!

There is a statuette, just sitting there on the counter, and we begin to pet it, nice kitty, nice kitty.

Join them in the “Oprahsphere.”