Northwest Station, 20015

The last installment of a 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 5632 Connecticut Avenue NW
Date: 4/21/09
Time: 2:59 p.m.

O, Chevy Chase! Crown jewel of Upper Northwest! Are your post offices as well-kept as your traffic circles, as exclusive as your country clubs, and as decadent as those safety flags people once used to cross Connecticut Avenue?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
Not since Michael killed Anna Lucia and Libby in one episode of Lost has my world been so rocked - 20015 no longer has an APC! Even worse - there's the faint outline of an APC against the wall where the APC used to be, and someone tried to obscure the clear evidence of the missing APC with a Selective Service poster! The least 20015 could do is spring for a paint job so I don't have to be reminded of what Bruce Springsteen called those "glory days" that "pass you by in the wink of a young girl's eye." After all, Benjamin Moore is right down the street.

2. Safety Glass
I suppose it's possible that the world's oldest woman and her home health aide might try to knock over 20015 while pursuing this P.O.'s "Framed Art" collection, but Northwest's Station's designers did not think the senior threat palpable enough to install safety glass for its employees' protection.

3. Prompt Service
The kind of line I like is no line at all and, at least yesterday, that was the kind of line that Northwest Station had.

4. Parking
Parking in Chevy Chase is kind of a B-I-T-C-H. Street parking on Connecticut Avenue is hit-or-miss at best, and if it's between 7 a.m. and 9:30 a.m. or between 4:00 p.m. and 6:30 p.m., rush-hour restrictions are in effect, and you're basically F-U-C-K-E-D. Also, if you find a spot, it's 25 cents for 10 minutes, a full 33.3% less than the 15 minutes 25 cents buys you in most other parts of Washington, DC. Meanwhile, the spacious MacGruders/Benjamin Moore parking lot is reserved for MacGruders/Benjamin Moore customers, and while I've never been towed from this lot when illicitly parking there...well, let's just say I've never contracted a water-borne illness drinking unfiltered D.C. tap water either, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. So, if you want to park in the MacGruders/Benjamin Moore lot, I recommend either buying some broccoli and/or a pint of "linen sand" semi-gloss and becoming an official customer of both/either of those fine establishments.

5. Service With a Smile
Dearest "Makeda": I guarantee that when you cheerfully call out "Can I help someone?" I will cheerfully reply "Yes, you can help me, and I need 20 Forever stamps."

6. Triflin' Factor
Though I didn't witness any triflin' at Northwest Station during my visit, I'm not convinced that there isn't any triflin' going on. You're telling me that some mom pushing a stroller more expensive than my car isn't going to go buckwild on a cashier after waiting in a long line on December 22 when the cashier tells her that priority mail might get that IPod to her sister in Hyannisport, Massachusetts in time for Christmas, but that priority mail doesn't guarantee two-day delivery?

7. Customer Comments
"This is a good post office," a taciturn man with a Eastern European accent informed me outside of 20015. I had peppered this possibly-Russian fellow with numerous questions about Northwest Station, but, perhaps because of KGB training, gulag trauma, or the Russian mafia's "zero tolerance" for alternative weekly reporters, he had yet to offer anything quotable.
"Is the service good, or bad?" I prodded.
"Sometimes it is good," the man cryptically replied. "Sometimes it is bad," he added.
"Where are you from?" I asked.
"Russia," the man replied.
"Well," I said, desperately searching for a pithy sound bite. "Is this post office at least better than a Russian post office?"
The man laughed. Then, he nodded. "Yes," he said, and walked away.

Final Grade: Really? No APC? A solid B-.

Dog Waits in Vain, 20009

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 2300 18th St. NW
Date: 4/20/09
Time: 4:47 p.m.

18th Street is renowned for its loose women, looser men, well drinks, jumbo slices, and fine imported goods. But D.C.'s answer to Bourbon and Beale Sts. also has a post office! Is Kalorama Station as good at the porno-and-head shops amongst which it is nestled?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
No way. No fucking way. This place is about the size of three postage stamps, and there ain't nothing automated about it.

2. Safety Glass
Thank the risen Christ - Adams Morgan does not have safety glass. But imagine - if you will - that this tiny USPS outpost was open on weekend nights! Then, all Adams Morgan's distinguished visitors from Maryland and Virginia could get shitfaced, eat falafels, and try to mail shit. In that case, 20009 would need some safety glass. Oh shit. (Is this only funny to me right because I'm high? Be honest. Actually, I'm not high right now at all. Fuck.)

3. Prompt Service
I've seen clerk "Joe W." take his time flirting with the ladies, but yesterday he kept the line moving with a series of grand hand gestures and "Please - no bullshit" glances, much like Morgan Freeman in Lean on Me.

4. Parking
Nah.

5. Service With a Smile
(cont. from #3 above) Now that I think of it, "Joe W.'s" no-nonense demeanor is less like Morgan Freeman in Lean on Me and more like Morgan Freeman in The Dark Knight. Do you remember that scene where Christian Bale was like, "Yo, Morgan, I need the cell phone information for everyone in Gotham City so I can monitor the Joker's activities (Heath Ledger R.I.P.)" and Morgan was like, "Christian, that's a fucking violation of privacy. Aren't you aware that this is a thinly-veiled metaphor for warrantless wiretapping?" Anyway, I don't remember how the whole thing turned out (Batman wins, I guess? But he also loses and remains an existential hero? Or something?), but Morgan Freeman was really pissed in that scene, much like "Joe W." often seems pissed while manning the register at Kalorama Station.

6. Triflin' Factor
20009's close quarters could, in a less civilized part of town (ahem, Chevy Chase), lead to a lot of triflin'. However, Kalorama's clientele just doesn't have time for the bullshit. They're hustlin'. They just finished up that grant application for their non-profit with a vague mission statement but a decidedly liberal outlook and it needs to get to the Soros Foundation on time. They're shipping out a free promo of the new Jay-Z record they got for free as a "music reviewer" for the City Paper and sold on EBay and/or half.com for, like, $7 and it is a priority. They're sending money orders to loved ones in poor Latin American countries after a long week on the construction site and everybody back home needs to know that Maryland ain't givin' out drivers licenses to undocumented immigrants any more. Everybody's got their head down and is silently going about his/her business. That's the American way, and that's the way I like it.

7. Customer Comments
"Quality of service waxes and wanes," says "Jim G.," an Adams Morgan-based "consultant" who unwittingly and hilariously compared the work of 20009's employees to the celestial behavior our Earth's only Moon. "Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's terrible." Just like the tides, Jim G. Just like the tides.

Final Grade: A solid B-.

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 3118 Washington Boulevard
Date: 4/17/09
Time: 1:03 p.m.

While my USPS expertise does not necessarily extend to jurisdictions beyond Washington, D.C., I do occasionally like to sample the customer service at P.O.'s outside Chocolate City to see what, if anything, I'm missing. I employ an analogy to bolster my argument: how could one claim to be a food critic if one only ate and reviewed Chinese food?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
Dear USPS: Please remove the APC from Arlington Station and immediately remand it (if a machine can be remanded) to the inadequately-staffed Martin Luther King Station at 1400 L St NW. 22201's incredibly efficient clerks do too good a job with a relatively small number of relatively agreeable customers to have to compete with a machine, John Henry-style.

2. Safety Glass
From the well-groomed, straight-teethed, shiny, happy citizens of Arlington, Virginia, the American postal worker has nothing to fear.

3. Prompt Service
At 1 p.m. on a Thursday, this USPS was a ghost town - the cashiers outnumbered the customers! Would that every USPS was so gloriously vacant.

4. Parking
Arlington Station's only bad grade - no parking lot and semi-unavailable metered street parking. Well, then again...hell, it's not even that hard to find street parking, and what does it cost, a quarter? Why do journalists always have to criticize? Finding fault with Arlington Station's parking is a bit triflin'.

5. Service With a Smile
Dear "Lyn": I'm not sure why your name doesn't have two "n's," but I do appreciate the apologetic way you informed me that the price of a first-class stamp would soon rise to 44 cents. I believe your comment was "Price goin' up - we're still messing with you guys." ("We" = the USPS in general, not the employees of 22201 specifically, I assume.) Is this quote correct? If so, I applaud your ability to make a friendly joke out of what may be (for American small businesses in these trying economic times, etc.) a crippling two-cent increase. We've got to laugh to keep from cryin'!

6. Triflin' Factor
I always welcome a trifle-free USPS experience. No insane yuppies/bitchy moms/grumpy bearded dudes with a sense of entitlement/smelly homeless at 22201! Hooray!

7. Customer Comments
The stream of customers at Arlington Station is less like a stream, really, and more like a very slow trickle. As a result, good "man-on-the-street" quotes were unavailable. However, a historical marker outside the post office is worth quoting in its entirety: "In the first half of the 20th century, Arlington County changed from a handful of separate neighborhoods to a cohesive community with its own identiy and government. The establishment of a central post office was a major factor in this transformation. Built in 1937, the Arlington Post Office was the first federal building constructed in the County. Lobby murals depicting scenes about Arlington history were painted by Auriel Bessemer in 1939. In 2000, it was named in honor of Joseph L. Fisher, former US Representative from Virginia’s 10th District. This building is a designated Arlington County Landmark and is listed on the National Register of Historic Places."

Final Grade:This would be an "A" if not for my (minor) parking quibble. A-.

Curseen-Morris, 20066

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 900 Brentwood Rd. N.E..
Date: 4/15/09
Time: 11:43 a.m.

If you live in D.C. and you receive mail, you've gotta love Curseen-Morris 20066, D.C.'s enormous postal distribution center. Formerly known as Brentwood Postal Facility, C-M2K66 is hallowed ground: In October 2001, USPS employees Joseph Curseen, Jr. and Thomas Morris, Jr. died from anthrax exposure helping a copy of Card Player (a poker magazine to which I subscribed in the early aughts) get to my home in Mt. Pleasant (sorry, guys, and thanks for the sacrifice). But does this USPS Golgotha do right by the honored dead for which it is named by carrying on a long tradition of high-quality customer service?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
A mail "processing and distribution" center sounds pretty official - certainly, more official than a mere "station" or "post office." Thus, I expected C-M2K66 to be tricked out with numerous APCs. I was wrong. Then again, I also think that an amusement park bold enough to name itself "Great Adventure" should have the largest amusement park ride in the world. (Wrong again: that ride is at Cedar Point amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio which, incidentally, went for Bush in 2004. Sandusky, Ohio, that is - not the park).

2. Safety Glass
As my devoted readers know, I am a longtime critic of USPS safety glass. I was happy to see that Curseen-Morris - the national symbol of the USPS's ongoing war against biological and biochemical weapons - does not have safety glass. Then, I rememered that two dudes died in this building sorting mail and thought, "Damn. Doesn't this place need safety glass?" (If the financially-strapped USPS doesn't wanna spring for new safety glass, I suggest recycling the useless/alienating glass at MLK Station, 1400 L St. NW. Take that, MLK, you bastard! (My use of the word "bastard" refers to MLK Station as an entity, not its individual employees or Martin Luther King, Jr., the popular, well-respected, slain civil rights leader.))

3. Prompt Service
Here's what I like: a short (short = less than 5 people) line staffed by two efficent cashiers and, in the event a line does form, a little waiting area with three chairs circled around a wooden table set with a vase of flowers (I might be making up the flowers, but I'm pretty sure I remember them). If you had tea, you could have a tea party in here! In fact, I'd way rather have tea at C-M2K66 than at some dumb 18th St. hookah bar. Hookahs - who 1) wants them or 2) needs them? What does Adams Morgan think it is, 1,001 Arabian Nights or something?

4. Parking
Oh, C-M2K66 - nothing turns me on more than an enormous, empty, free, front pull-in parking lot where I can park for free for thirty glorious minutes. Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

5. Service With a Smile
"Sandy" - thanks for packing that certified-with-return-receipt mail for me. I know it's frustrating when unschooled M.F.'s come in on Tax Day and don't know how to deal with certified mail, let alone return receipts. Just to clarify: I do know how to pack up mail that's certified-with-return-receipt. I have dealt with this type of mail many times over the years and, frankly, I have mastered it. However, I feel that it's presumptous to pack up one's own certified mail, much like trying to speak bad French to a guy selling crepes underneath the Eiffel Tower or bad Russian to a guy selling borscht outside the Kremlin. Also, I was mailing my girlfriend's taxes, and couldn't afford (emotionally) to f*ck them up. Got keep peace on the domestic front, you know what I mean, Sandy?

6. Triflin' Factor
Perhaps because of C-M2K66's tragic history, there wasn't much triflin' goin' on.

7. Customer Comments
"I just use the P.O. Box," says Lewis Jenkins, who lives near C-M2K66, but rarely uses counter-service. "And get packages," he adds. (I know this quote sucks, but, truth be told, I really hate
getting quotes from the "man on the street." I mean, I go to gas station all the time, but don't have an informed opinon about 87 octane vs. 89 octane for any reporters who might be hanging around. Also, "man on the street" quotes 1a) don't advance journalism because they are, by definition, anecdotal and 1b) usually uninformative and 2) are very awkward to get on a really rainy day for a piece that would potential criticize a post office that was at the center of a very tragic, very scary part of our great nation's history, i.e. 9/11/01 and the dark days following. And, fuck it: This column's not getting me into Columbia Journalism School or a job at WaPo anyway. So take this quote and shove it.)

Final Grade: Honor the fallen! A+.

Southeast Station, 20003

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 600 Pennsylvania Ave SE
Date: 4/15/09
Time: 11:16 a.m.

Though I'd never visited Southeast Station before today, a trusted confidante informed in an email in re: "A Particularly Painful Post Office" that this "Post Office [sic] on Pennsylvania by Eastern Market really, really sucks balls." What USPS reviewer wouldn't want to investigate this testicular claim?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
I thought that a P.O. on Pennsylvania Avenue less than ten blocks from the U.S. Congress and less than twenty from the White House - a USPS facility built for the convenience of our nation's public servants who walk their dogs on Capitol Hill's lush lawns and push their well-groomed children's expensive strollers down their exclusive neighborhood's wide thoroughfares - would be rockin' at least one APC, maybe two. I thought wrong.

2. Safety Glass
Southeast Station's staff must implicitly trust the numerous other government employees this P.O. presumably serves - like the Grateful Dead, 20003's cashiers operate "without a net." (I'm mixing metaphors here, but by "net," I mean "safety glass." That is, 20003 doesn't have any. Get it?)

3. Prompt Service
I was 15th in line at Southeast Station today, a personal worst. Two cashiers at the front of a 15-person line and no APC? This place needs some TARP money.

4. Parking
Street parking only, and it costs a quarter for ten minutes. I found a spot out front and counted myself lucky.

5. Service With a Smile
Evaluating the attitudes of postal employees on April 15, a.k.a. "Tax Day," is a little bit like asking an woman giving birth if bringing another soul into the world is really worth the painful havoc that baby is wreaking on her pelvis, lower back, and genitals. Thus, though no clerks were particularly friendly during my rainy-Tax Day visit to 20003 (and, truth be told, I wasn't feeling very talkative either), I'm inclined to give everyone a pass. This time.

6. Triflin' Factor
I suspect most triflin' M.F.'s at 20003 aren't behind the counter, but in line. Case in point: a "former House Committee" employee I interviewed about the quality of service at Southeast Station gave me a decent quote, then told me about plan she has for constitutional reform called the "Serve Your Country Amendment." This amendment would ensure that all members of Congress and the President - and, in fact, the entire Washington "establishment" - would be forced out of Washington "like every 12 years" so that they don't become "entrenched." While I applaud this worthy sentiment, I wondered how a woman I'd watched struggle with certified mail forms 1) could successfully alter a document that doesn't even have room for an basic Equal Rights Amendment (for women! for all women! for your mother! for my mother! etc.), 2) thought a City Paper blogger with no business card or laminated press credentials could somehow help her cause (which has no organization, constituency, or website behind it), and 3) could, ironically, turn out to be crazier than the obviously-homeless woman wearing an overcoat of rags trying to get a piece of mail to Charlotte, N.C. by Friday (especially since I'd approached this potential constitution-amender instead of the rag-overcoat wearer because the former seemed, superficially, sane).

7. Customer Comments
"They need more help," says Paris Singer of Capitol Hill. "There should be a simple way to know how to get certified mail."

Final Grade: My correspondent was right: this post office does indeed suck balls. F.

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 1400 L St. NW
Date: 4/16/09
Time: 12:00 p.m.

Full disclosure: 20043 and I have a long, troubled history. When I worked a few doors down from MLK in the early 'oughts---before MP3s, MySpace, etc.---I spent many frustrating lunch hours waiting in often-prodigious lines to mail promotional CDs around the world. This left me time to practice anger-management techniques and fill out USPS customer comment cards (since discontinued) bemoaning MLK's poor service (which eventually earned me a five-minute consultation with a USPS supervisor and a free book of stamps). How has the past decade treated my former postal nemesis?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
Perhaps in response to my numerous, articulate complaints, USPS parked a truck outside of MLK for many years to handle customer overflow from long lines. Post-Inconvenient Truth, this carbon-emitting vehicle has been replaced by a trusty olde APC---a convenience often inexplicably ignored by MLK's Gucci Gulch clientele who demand human service.

2. Safety Glass
USPS employees need protection from other government workers---20043's safety glass is as thick as any east of the river.

3. Prompt Service
Like Judas amongst Christ's Apostles, I was 13th in a one-clerk line at MLK during my recent visit. The unsubtle brutality of this arrangement ("Can you believe there's only one clerk at lunchtime?" etc.) was eventually addressed by a noble USPS employee who encouraged all determined line-waiters to use the APC and helped me fill out my certified mail forms. Still, mailing my taxes took a totally unacceptable 30 minutes.

4. Parking
Downtown D.C. ain't car-friendly, and neither is this P.O.

5. Service With a Smile
"Ms. Kingwood," my cashier, was all business, but you can't expect the only cashier at MLK to swap babka recipes while angry waiting lawyers fume.

6. Triflin' Factor
Customers: when waiting in a long USPS line, it's best not to roll your eyes. If I see you roll your eyes, I feel compelled to smile to express sympathy or say something useless like, "Long line, isn't it?" or "Waiting, waiting, waiting." I prefer not to engage in small talk of this nature, so please---save the triflin' eye-rolls for the long lines at the DMV.

7. Customer Comments
"There weren't a lot of people working here today, so that sucks," says Stella, a glassy-eyed, surnameless young woman whose self-esteem, ability to think freely, and will to live have been permanently damaged by the Soviet conditions under which USPS expects her to mail her personal and business correspondence (in my opinion). "Other than that, they're great," she added. I expect Stella took the Metro home later that day to a small Alexandria apartment and, after preparing a bland microwavable meal, tuned into the 700 Club, The O'Reilly Factor, and or the Mormon-sponsored vampire film Twlight.

Final Grade: Though MLK's service has improved since 2000, it remains a high-profile USPS failure---a ship of fools which sails for anyone who (1) works near Farragut Square, (2) wants to get their taxes in the hands of the IRS before the Ides of April, and (3) can't spend their lunch hour hiking to Dupont Circle's much-better equipped P.O.'s. F.

LeDroit Station

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 416 Florida Ave. NW
Date: 4/8/09
Time: 3:35 p.m.

On the bleak polygon formed by the intersection of S Street NW and Florida, Rhode Island, and New Jersey Avenues lies LeDroit Station, as lonely a post office as one could imagine. King of its own curious, concrete island, 20001 stands alone at the center of a vortex of constant traffic and auto exhaust. What P.O. lies in this foreboding USPS no-man's land, and does it have customs forms?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
The designers of this miniature building left no room for advanced APC technology. Besides, the machine would block 20001's army-recruitment poster.

2. Safety Glass
Since this P.O. is staffed by an intimidating, nametagless clerk, I was happy (for once) to see safety glass. Also: What a convenient place to hang a picture of a local man wanted for armed robbery!

3. Prompt Service
Only one clerk at this bathroom-sized location, but she keeps the line moving.

4. Parking
20001 is equipped with a parking lot, but figuring out how to drive into it is sort of like stoichiometry---there's a lot of combinations, and you won't get it right the first time. You might be able to make a right into the parking lot when traveling east on Florida. Then again, you might have to take Florida to Rhode Island, make a right, and then another immediate right. Then again, if you took Florida to New Jersey, you might have to take a left on Rhode Island, then make an illegal U-turn, and then sneak into the parking lot. (Be on the lookout for Rhode Island Avenue's ubiquitous red-light cameras.)

5. Service with a Smile
Question: "Do I have to fill out a customs form to mail this CD to Germany?" New favorite answer: "If I don't know you, you have to fill it out!" Further discussion of this response below.

6. Triflin' Factor
USPS rules clearly state that: "A customs form is not required on...non-dutiable First Class Mail International items that weigh less than 16 ounces." Thus, I must conclude that a clerk who makes me fill out a form for a package that clearly doesn't require one because she "doesn't know me" is triflin'. But, in a broader sense, doesn't this clerk's trust in her community (i.e., the people she knows) and willingness to spend time exploring that community (i.e., getting to know more people) imply a respect for the USPS's position in the community that, by definition, isn't triflin'?

7. Customer Comments
"This place is excellent," says Mary Johnson, a middle-aged, blonde-extensioned woman who lives nearby. Reflecting 20001's core values, Johnson enjoys her trips to the post office because she "pretty much knows everybody." "But different people will look at this place differently," she adds. "Like someone from Pittsburgh." (If you guessed that this woman's real name isn't "Mary Johnson," you guessed right. This woman, in fact, refused to give me her name, so I've accepted her invitation to "make one up".)

Final Grade: I don't know any of these people! D+.

Friendship Station, 20016

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 4005 Wisconsin Avenue NW
Date: 4/8/09
Time: 4:30 p.m.

Up the street from the Obama-worthy Sidwell Friends School and troubled mortgage lender Fannie Mae, Friendship Station is the P.O. of choice for some of the most powerful names in American politics. But is 20016 doin' right by Sasha and Malia?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
Oh, glorious APC! Your convenient visage shines through a USPS-sponsored darkness! Ne'er will I deal with a disgruntled clerk within 20016's hallowed walls!

2. Safety Glass
Hell, no! What do you think this is, a liquor store on Georgia Avenue?

3. Prompt Service
Keeping the American postal customer happy ain't rocket science: three open cashiers equals a fast-moving line.

4. Parking
Though difficult to access when making an awkward left while traveling south on Wisconsin Avenue, Friendship's parking lot - just the parking lot! - is bigger than a number of other teensie post offices I've known and loathed. Parking enthusiasts will appreciate the idyllic mini-traffic circle (planted with a deciduous tree, no less) at the parking lot's eastern end that obviates the need for awkward three-point turns.

5. Service with a Smile
My interaction with competent, stone-faced clerk "D. Gaskins" was blissfully swift and unremarkable. I will point out that 20016 also has a passport office, a bulk mail drop-off, and a collection of framed postal art for sale. So, even if Friendship's service-providers aren't exactly friendly, do not doubt that there are a diverse number of services that they are ready, willing, and able to provide.

6. Triflin' Factor
Any place of business that opens its doors deep in Northwest Washington risks colonization by rich, politicized, triflin' bastards, i.e. politicized WASPs and/or know-it-all lawyers, that are such a part of our fair District's character. Though I did not witness any triflin' customers go buckwild over the vicissitudes of priority mail or next-day delivery, I would avoid 20016 on any day that's important the WASP-lawyer subculture, i.e. April 15.

7. Customer Comments
"Two [clerks] are slow as molasses," said Mr. Brown, a retiree who 1) refused to reveal his Christian name to your correspondent, 2) had not heard of the publication by whom your correspondent is employed, and 3) often pays "a few bucks more" for better customer service at UPS and/or FedEx. ""It's like they've got an attitude. They can't say thank you...if you don't like your job, get another." (FYI: Mr. Brown had stared disapprovingly at a car without handicapped plates parked in a handicapped spot in front of Friendship for some moments before I approached him).

Final Grade: What is Mr. Brown talking about? Friendship is a USPS enthusiast's wet-dream. An enthusiastic A!

Brookland Station, 20017

A 10-part series in which Justin Moyer, part-time musician, part-time journalist, and full-time USPS enthusiast visits a bunch of post offices in our nation's capital so you don't have to.

Location: 3401 12th St. NE
Date: April 7
Time: 1:07 p.m.

"My band rehearses at this delightful practice space in Brookland."
"Brooklyn?"
"No---Brookland. In Washington, D.C."

So runneth the typical exchange with a high-powered music executive who somehow can't understand that all bands aren't from New York's most overpriced borough. But what Brookland, 20017, lacks in national name recognition, it makes up in desolate railroad tracks, warehouses-turned-art spaces, and a cozy post office conveniently located near Yes! Natural Foods. But how cozy is too cozy?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
You've gotta be kidding me. There's barely enough room in here for the Easter promotional display.

2. Safety Glass
You betcha. P.O. 20017's architects do get kudos for installing safety glass with rectangular insets that, through an acoustic phenomenon alien to me, amplify the voice of the clerk---a marked improvement on the useless holes routinely drilled in USPS glass that engender pantomining and screaming.

3. Prompt Service
Eh...I've seen worse, but I've also seen a lot better. A line five-people deep attended by two clerks, one of whom is trying to explain the difference between Parcel Post® (one of USPS' more confusing innovations) and first-class mail to an uninitiated customer? We can do better, people!

4. Parking
Few signs in small parking lots inspire as much dread as "rear-end parking only."

5. Service with a Smile
"Happy Easter," offered USPS cashier "Kim" after I purchased a book of 20 Forever stamps. "If you celebrate Easter," she added. That's what I like---a Christian, but still politically correct, way to say goodbye. (Kim, FYI: Though I won't be celebrating Christ's resurrection, I will still enjoy the pierogi at my cousin Donna's Easter dinner in Riverside, N.J.)

6. Triflin' Factor
Though some spend their lives fighting genocide, I've chosen a more modest target: budging. Come on---all you triflin' budgers who think you somehow reserved your spot in line because you're (incompetently) filling out an express mail or customs-declaration form know that you can't get your spot back once you let me pass you! And if you're gonna budge, just budge, and we can settle our differences outside. Don't give me the "budge-eye"---that sad, puppy-dog look that pathetically says, "Can I budge? Just this once?" When I'm at the post office, it's a no-budge zone.

7. Customer Comments
"The back-up parking is a pain in the ass," says Wayne Holeman, an employee at Providence Hospital who frequently makes USPS for work. "Sometimes there's a lot of people in there, but there are never many problems." (FYI: This was the man who had given me the "budge-eye" inside.)

Final Grade: Too small and understaffed. Then again, it's near Colonel Brooks Tavern. C-.

Cleveland Park, 20008

Location: 3430 Connecticut Avenue NW
Date: April 7
Time: 4:28 p.m.

Cleveland Park is an errand-running mother lode. A trip to trusty old P.O. 20008 offers a good chance visit its notable neighbors: Yes! Natural Foods, Magruder's, Petco, CVS, Supercuts, and the Uptown movie theater, where I saw the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. But does the quality of the post office itself justify a sojourn west across Rock Creek Park into yuppie Mordor?

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
Strike 1: If you're going to do any serious mailing in Cleveland Park, you're going to have to talk to a fallible human.

2. Safety Glass
Fortunately for this post office's ambiance, Cleveland Park's jet set rarely commits armed robbery. Not a pane of safety glass in sight!

3. Prompt Service
I groaned yesterday when I strolled into 20008 behind Northwest Washington's oldest woman who, as luck would have it, was wheeling a grocery cart overflowing with approximately 1,000,000 line-clogging packages. However, I was delighted to find not two, not three, but FOUR clerks on duty, and was in and out in five minutes! Since I've visited post offices where literally no one was manning the counter, I've got to admit: Cleveland Park keeps it moving.

4. Parking
Cleveland "Park?" More like Cleveland "Keep-Driving-Around-the-Block!" (That's funny because it's actually very difficult to park in Cleveland Park. Get it? Whatever.) Forget about street parking during rush hour, and don't think you won't get a ticket if you park in 20008's lot behind the Uptown and try to run to Vace for a slice.

5. Service with a Smile
Though she's waited on me for a decade, I doubt USPS cashier "Julia" knows my name. However, I nominate her as "Postal Employee Least Likely to Open Fire on Co-Workers And/Or Customers" for her even-keeled, semi-cheerful, high-quality service. I've never felt such a connection to someone who demanded to know if my package contained anything liquid, fragile, perishable, or potentially hazardous.

6. Triflin' Factor
Beware Cleveland Park's subtle Eurotrash vibe. Since they can't understand red-blooded American USPS culture, diplomats used to parking wherever they want get angry (and hold up lines) when forced to choose between certified mail and certified mail with delivery confirmation. The triflin' ESL posse did not make an appearance at 20008 yesterday, but watch out for 1) posh Euro moms with bratty Euro kids in tow trying to send an armful of packages to the Continent and 2) irked dudes in expensive Italian shoes wondering why they can't send their "Mamma Mias" personal correspondence through media mail.

7. Customer Comments
"This place can be good and friendly, but other days, it's complete hell," says Jeremy Fowler, a Cleveland Park resident who recently filed a complaint after 20008 wouldn't pay an insurance claim on a damaged eBay item. "I don't mind paying extra to go to [private shipping company Parcel Plus] across the street," he says. (I interject: Mr. Fowler must be desperate for quality service, as Parcel Plus is staffed by meanies---but that's another story.)

Final Grade: No post office without an APC gets an A, and 20008 is driving its customers to the private sector? A solid B-.

Over the next two weeks, I will review ten U.S. Post Offices in the Washington Metropolitan Area from my hit list and my shit list. I will rank them and assign letter grades based on consideration of the following seven criteria:

1. Automated Postal Center (APC)
The best trips to the post office do not involve clerks. Is there an APC in the house?

2. Safety Glass
"What was your question, sir? Can't you hear me, sir?" No, I can't—because there's a fucking one-inch slab of scratch-tagged safety glass between me, the customer, and you, the clerk who is handsomely paid to serve me. Fuck safety glass. Is someone going to steal the Forever stamps?

3. Prompt Service
Lines at the USPS can get longer than a Democrat's dick when Obama's on CNN. I don't want to 1) wait in USPS lines, 2) make small talk with other USPS customers in USPS lines, or 3) sympathize with other people's complaints about how long USPS lines are while waiting in USPS lines. USPS supervisors, take note—you don't wanna give me time to fill out that customer comment card!

4. Parking
Fuck global warming - I drive my heavy-ass packages to the post office. Does your local post office have a normal-sized space for my Toyota Matrix stuffed with promo CDs? It's not an SUV, but it ain't a Smart Car neither!

5. Service with a Smile
Many postal employees are, as Aerosmith might say, "living on the edge." A smile from a clerk makes me feel good—like I might escape the post office without staring down the barrel of an automatic weapon. A category related to, but not quite the same as...

6."Trifling" Factor
Whether it's an clerk that wants to see my driver's license before letting me use my credit card or a blue-haired old lady holding up the line to buy one first-class stamp when she could use the stamp machine, there's always some trifling motherfuckers at the post office.

7. Customer Comments
Postal customer, I give ye the opportunity to speak truth to power.

If you have problems with my methodology or have a post office you'd like to see reviewed, please leave a comment. Otherwise, I'll see you at the post office!

Dick A. Heller (pictured here with his wife Jane) is the plaintiff in District of Columbia v. Heller, the landmark gun case recently adjudicated before the United States Supreme Court. As Justice Antonin Scalia explained in his majority opinion striking down the District's handgun ban, "the District's ban on handgun possession in the home violates the Second Amendment, as does its prohibition against rendering any lawful firearm in the home operable for the purpose of immediate self-defense."

When I arrived at the Supreme Court to photograph Mr. Heller, I was unable to locate him as 1) the Supreme Court is a large building, 2) I did not know what Mr. Heller looked like, and 3) I had left my cell phone at home. I contemplated borrowing a tourist's cell phone, but deemed the necessary preamble - "Excuse me, you don't know me, but I'm a newspaper reporter for the Washington City Paper...well, really, more of a videographer...but I'm searching for Dick A. Heller, the plaintiff in District of Columbia v. Heller, a landmark gun case, perhaps you've heard of it? Anyway, I am supposed to contact Mr. Heller, but I forgot my cell phone...can I use yours?" - too complex. Also, most tourists on hand were praying as part of a pro-life protest, and I doubted they would be in the mood for lending out PDAs to unshaven strangers. After short discussion with a security guard, I was directed to one of the Highest Court's two payphones, and was able to locate Mr. Heller the old-fashioned way.

Nizam Ali is the son of Ben and Virginia Ali, who founded Ben's Chili Bowl at 1213 U St. NW in 1958. The elder Alis are now retired - Nizam runs the Washington landmark with his brother Kamal (not pictured).

When I first contacted Nizam, I suggested meeting at noon to film his portrait. Nizam was concerned that our session would interrupt the Chili Bowl's busy lunch hour. I reconsidered my initial suggestion and offered an 11:30 meet. Nizam readily agreed to this. However, when I arrived at Ben's Chili Bowl, I found the lunch counter a-bustle with hungry Washingtonians clamoring for food. Though swamped with customers, Nizam graciously sat for three minutes outside, where the bright sun allowed me to film with few in-camera metering modifications.

Eleanor Holmes Norton has represented the District of Columbia in the United States Congress since 1991. Former chair of the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission and professor at Georgetown University Law School, Ms. Norton is a third-generation Washingtonian and longtime voting-rights advocate.

When planning this portrait, I decided to shoot Congresswoman Norton's profile - an angle which I thought communicated the understated dignity of her unique position as a legislator without a vote in the U.S. House of Representatives. However, she quickly nixed this idea.

"No woman wants to be filmed from the side," the Congresswoman said.

When I arrived at Busboys & Poets to film Mr. Shallal, I learned that he was running a few minutes late and decided to kill some time in the cafe's bookstore. When Mr. Shallal arrived, he caught me reading Bill Cosby's controversial "wake-up" to the black community Come on People: On the Path from Victims to Victors. Embarrassed to be caught reading Mr. Cosby's embarrassing book, I tried to reshelve it, but could not find the section from whence it came. Mr. Shallal was gracious about the mix-up.

"Don't worry," Mr. Shallal said. "Just leave it on the counter."