One evening last month, a Glover Park resident lifted the lid of her basement toilet to find a drenched rat the size of a 20 oz. Coke bottle scurrying around the bowl. She screamed, slammed the lid, stacked books on top, ran upstairs, and Googled the phrase “what to do about a rat in the toilet.”

The Internet advised lubing the toilet with dishwasher detergent and flushing, so the woman and her husband doused the rat with Dawn. “We did a flush, and we could still hear him scrambling around,” she says. “Now he was all puffed up and angry.”

An exterminator friend instructed the couple to smash the rat’s head with a broomstick. But the husband and wife, worried the rat would jump out of the toilet and bite them, declined the advice. They piled the books back on the lid.

The next day, they poured two cups of bleach into the toilet, and waited for the scrambling to stop. After a few minutes, they poked the rat with barbecue tongs. “He was completely stiff and totally dead,” she says.

The woman, who declined to be named, says she learned an important lesson from the incident. “You better believe I flush that toilet once in the morning and once at night,” she says. And the lid stays down.

After a short hiatus from driving, I returned to the mean streets of McLean, Va. last week. Once again, our teacher was Jason. Just so you know, Jason is a very determined guy. He’s so determined that when his vegetable garden failed to thrive, he simply portioned off another area of his backyard and plunged fake vegetables into the ground. With persistence like that, he’s the perfect teacher for Sadie and me.

Our mission was parking, parallel and otherwise. It was by far our most cerebral lesson so far. “Visualization is everything,” Jason said as he told us to picture two garbage cans as parked cars. We took turns sliding into the space.

Sadie drove fluidly but skimmed the trash can more than once. I skirted the trash can, but my movements were too jerky. After the lesson, I returned home exhausted. There’s a reason people learn to do this in their teens. It takes serious energy and I, a wizened 26-year-old, simply don’t have it.

Not that I’m giving up, of course. I know this is important. In fact, I think this whole process could be revealing.

In her new book, Learning to Drive, 52-year-old Nation columnist Katha Pollitt dissects her attempts to master the road. Observation is her Achilles heel, she says, because her mind never ceases to wander. A red light prompts a meditation on modernity---and that leads swiftly to ruminations about a recent breakup.

I have a similar problem. I think too much. I think about the poetry of the sentence “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear,” and question the logic of pedal placement. Before long, I find myself confused, lost in a web of my own making.

I’m working on it, though, and I hope driving will make me more focused, competent. Then again, if it simply gets me from Point A to Point B, I’ll be happy.

Driving Lesson 4
Destination: McLean
Weather Conditions: Sunny
Lessons Learned: Driving takes imagination, but not too much.
Sadie: B
Jessica: B+

As Michael Grass reported in yesterday’s Express, there’s controversy brewing at The Library, the newly rechristened 12th Street NE watering hole. Apparently, some neighbors don’t like the beer selection at the dive bar, and others think there’s been an increase in litter since the bar reopened.

But the most interesting criticism comes from Kee Malesky, a corporate librarian, who finds the name offensive. I interviewed Malesky about her grievances yesterday, and here’s what she had to say:

1. It’s not a library. “A library is a place for people to study or read, have quiet community meetings. This is a bar with ten satellite TVs tuned to sports events.”
2. It provides an easy alibi for Catholic University’s slacker students. “Why else would they call it The Library unless to lie to their parents [and] professors about what they did last night?”
3. It impugns the dignity of librarians worldwide. “It’s snide, cynical, rude, and offensive to the neighbors and librarians everywhere,” she says.

Brookland neighbor Sandy Malone, however, says Malesky needs to lighten up. As an undergrad, she attended both Ohio State and Ohio University and says, at the time, both campuses had bars called The Library nearby. “It was like a joke,” she says. “It’s just a funny name.” She thinks Malesky should be grateful a place like The Library exists. “They need a campus bar,” she says of the students. “Otherwise, they’re going to come to the restaurants and push the neighbors out.”

Still, the whole Library spat got us wondering about other nerdily named establishments in the area. For example, has the Science Club received criticism for its name? Co-owner Steve Maguire says absolutely not. Nerds love the name, he says. “I’ve seen people stop traffic on 19th Street...They run up the stairs and say, ‘Science! We’re both biologists.'” Environmentalists also frequent the Dupont Circle spot, he says, adding, “we have been extremely well received by the scientific community and dorks in general."

When the words "wireless caller" appear on the caller ID at Pizza Boli's in Brookland, general manager Nadeem Ali gets suspicious. He has to. All summer long, his deliverymen have been set up by muggers who call in orders on cell phones and proceed to ambush the drivers at the delivery point.

During the most recent attack in early September, he says, three men mugged a driver and an employee in training. "They just hit him," Ali says of the driver. "He was bleeding from the head."

According to Ali, the attackers stole $75 worth of pizza and soda, and robbed the men of all the cash in their wallets. The driver went home and never came back to work, Ali says.

A few days later, at the urging of the police, Ali banned cell phone orders from local residences. He makes exceptions for businesses and colleges. "It's hard to track the cell phones," Ali says, and "sometimes a cell phone is stolen."

Ali says his customers have had mixed reactions. "Some people understand. Some people don't," he says. Either way, "it's not worth taking the risk."

For the last 11 years, the Washington Project for the Arts has operated under the umbrella of the Corcoran Gallery of Art. That will no longer be the case as of the end of 2007.

The WPA and Corcoran announced their split in a press release. "The success and strength of the WPA\C today is due in large part the support and guidance provided by the Corcoran over the past 10 years. Today the WPA\C is on strong footing and has gained a reputation as a vibrant, dynamic, and authentic leader in contemporary arts in the greater D.C. area. Our efforts will only grow stronger in our new position as an independent organization," WPA\C advisory board chair Jennifer Motruk Loy said in the release.

The WPA has maintained a base of operations at the Corcoran, but it plans to relocate to new offices in Dupont Circle. "We are excited at the prospect of being back in the community of artists and audiences that we've worked so hard to develop," WPA director Kim Ward said in the release.

Two months ago, the Washington Post reported that Montgomery County had abruptly ended talks with the Birchmere about opening an outpost in Silver Spring.

According to the Post, Live Nation, “the world’s largest producer of live concerts,” was also interested in operating a venue at the Silver Spring site, which was once home to a J.C. Penney.

Now 9:30 Club owner Seth Hurwitz is throwing his hat into the ring, too. In a Sept. 24 letter to county executive Isiah Leggett, Hurwitz said he wanted “to officially express my interest in working with Montgomery County to bring a music venue to the location.”

He noted that I.M.P., his concert-production company, has been headquartered in the county since 1980, and he trumpeted the company’s success revitalizing the Merriweather Post Pavillion a few years ago.

“This proven track record is what we would bring to a partnership with you to create a facility that would be the pride of Silver Spring,” he wrote in the letter.

He said he would be reaching out to Lee Development Group, which, according to the Post, has pledged 9,000 square feet of land to the project, to begin negotiations as well.

"I have always been looking for a venue that would be bigger than the 9:30 Club," he said. "I'm not interested in doing another 9:30 Club, but I would look at a mid-size venue."

At 1:30 p.m. yesterday, DJ Mac was rocking out. Sandwiched between two speakers on the plaza outside the D.C. Department of Health, he blasted Parliament and . “Old school stuff,” he said. “Hand-dancing music.”

Hand dancing, D.J. Mac said, is what they do on TV. (For a brief history of D.C.'s relationship to hand-dancing, go here). “You’ve got all this wild dancing, but hand dancing makes two people one,” he mused.

Perhaps, but hand-dancing also just makes people move, and that's the point. Erica Thomas, a program manager with the Department of Health, says yesterday's show was the second installment of Wellness Wednesdays, an effort to get agency employees up, out, and exercising. “We were trying to find a different form of fun physical activity for Department of Health employees,” she says.

So, starting Sept. 12, and through Oct. 31, the Department of Health is sponsoring music and hand-dancing from 12-2p.m. every Wednesday.

“This is sort of a pilot to see if everyone likes it,” she says. If the response is positive, they’ll keep it going, maybe even expand it. During the winter, she says, the department might offer belly-dancing, yoga, and Tai-Chi at a gym inside the government building.

But despite DJ Mac’s best efforts, the workers perched on the plaza yesterday were practically motionless. The most he could get was a foot tap. That came from Joseph, an employee with the D.C. Office of Tax and Revenue. “That’s my era,” he said of the Intruders. “I actually listened to them coming in this morning.”

A decade ago, I climbed into my father’s car and hit the road. Like generations of fathers and daughters before us, we started slowly, circling empty parking lots and driving carefully around cul-de-sacs. We drove almost every Sunday, blasting Blondie as we tooled around Northern New Jersey.

When I turned 17, I got my license and immediately hit the highway. A week later, I hit a concrete divider. It wasn’t a terrible accident, but when I punctured the oil tank, all my confidence leaked out. I never drove again.

Until last weekend. Fellow City Paper contributor Sadie Dingfelder and I decided to face our fears and learn to drive. We tell ourselves we’re doing it for feminism and for freedom. We’re also doing it to save face. After all, there’s nothing more embarrassing than hitching a ride with the people you once babysat.

Last Sunday, our friend Jason offered us his car and his wisdom. He taught us turn signals and driving etiquette (always wave to the neighbors, he says).

Sadie did great. The stop and go was a bit bumpy, but by the end of the lesson she was sailing along. Mine was a bit more…eventful. Just as I was praised for my driverly skills, I nicked a parked car’s mirror. Visions of Cher Horowitz danced through my head. Still, we’re determined to keep going. Stay tuned.

Driving Lesson 1
Destination: McLean
Weather Conditions: Sunny
Lessons Learned: Gas to the right, brake to the left. Always wave to neighbors.
Sadie: B-. No collisions---but failed to be friendly.
Jessica: C+. Hit another car---but did remember to wave to the neighbors.

In late August, Alexandria resident Alana Hurley, 22, went to see a sword-swallowing act at the Palace of Wonders. On her way home from the H Street NE bar, she tripped on “a giant fucking hammer laying in the middle of the sidewalk.” She picked it up. “I have a lot of good ideas when I’m drunk,” she writes via e-mail.

A Metro ride later, Hurley and her friends began traipsing through the parking lot at the King Street station. Her new hammer caught the attention of three burly Metro cops, who shined flashlights in her face, told her to sit on the curb, and warned her that her “ass was getting arrested” if she ran, she says. They took the hammer.

According to Metro spokesperson Candace Smith, Hurley was stopped because a customer complained about a woman twirling a hammer. The officers told Hurley to sit down, Smith says, “partially for fear she would fall down.”

Smith says there’s no rule against tools on the Metro. Riders can carry screwdrivers, hammers, or ballpoint pens, she says, unless they decide to use them as weapons. “If you decide to stab someone with it, then that would be illegal,” she says.

Still, Hurley is disturbed about getting busted with an unlicensed home repair tool. She got off without a citation, but she wants her hammer back.

She can have it, Smith says. “If she really wants it, she can give me a call. Just make sure she’s sober."

The Rock & Roll Hotel will host D.C.’s second John Stabb benefit show Sept. 23, according to organizer Marc Ganancias, and will feature the bands Pup Tent, L.O.J., Alive At Last, No Image, 76% Uncertain, and Government Re-Issue (including Stabb, Tom Lyle, William Knapp and Brian Baker).

Stabb, the former frontman of the D.C. punk band Government Issue, was attacked near his Burtonsville, MD home at about 10:30 p.m. on July 17 and sustained three facial fractures, two broken bones, a broken nose and four and a half hours of surgery. He now has five metal plates in his head and braces. He estimates his medical costs will be several thousand dollars. Proceeds from the concert will contribute to those costs.

The Velvet Lounge hosted the first Stabb benefit Aug. 10 and featured Dave Smalley, frontman of punk bands DYS, Dag Nasty, and Down by Law, along with Pup Tent, Lorelei, and the Saviours.

If you think the blogosphere is insulated from the media’s trends toward consolidation, think again. Earlier this summer, Shawington, a collection of Shaw-specific blogs, burst into cyberspace.

Shaw residents Ben Welsh and Martin Moulton created Shawington to make life easier for residents overwhelmed by the proliferation of blogs offering news about their neighborhood. (In April, the Web site outside.in named Shaw the second “bloggiest” neighborhood in the country, trailing Clinton Hill in Brooklyn and beating out downtown L.A.)

“There’s a lot of blogs in the neighborhood,” Welsh says. “The goal is just to simplify the reading process.”

Shawington currently aggregates 34 blogs, a group that includes A Shaw Thing, Fifth and Oh, and Treebox Vodka. The Web site also offers a photographic tour of Shaw’s vacant properties.

There was an interesting observation embedded within Monica Hesse’s article on group houses in Monday’s Post. Of the five roommates she profiled, not one is an only child. Which made me wonder: do only children stay anti-social well into their twenties?

I’m an only child, and it took me a while to pry myself from self-induced isolation. In elementary school, I spent more lunch periods than I’d care to admit reading alone on the blacktop. But I’ve grown up since then. I like people now. I even hang out with them from time to time.

In fact, according to researchers at the University of Texas at Austin, while negative views of only children are common, they’re more myth than fact. Apparently, we’re no more lonely, selfish or maladjusted than anyone else.

Still, when I was apartment-hunting last summer, I knew without a doubt that group-house living wasn’t for me. So, here’s the question for you only children out there: does your only-ness still dictate your behavior?

It looks like Ron Hunt, the flamboyant owner of Nexus Gold Club and the Edge/Wet strip clubs, is first in line for a coveted spot in Ward 5.

The Alcoholic Beverage Control board determined Aug. 1 that Hunt had submitted a liquor license application for 2127 Queens Chapel Road NE well before his fellow strip club owners, Deloris and Ronald Dickson, submitted theirs for a space at 2122 24th Place NE.

That’s relevant because, under current law, two nude dancing clubs can’t be fewer than 600 feet apart, and the properties Hunt and the Dicksons have been eyeing are 19 feet apart at their nearest point. Only one of the displaced clubs can relocate to the spot, with the prized license going to the one who got there first.

According to an alcohol administration official, that’s Hunt, who, barring any formal protests from the neighborhood, seems poised to move forward with his application.

Matchbox mavens got a bit of a scare last week during the live discussion with Washington Post food critic Tom Sietsema. The Aug. 8 exchange went like this:

Alexandria, Va.:

Have you heard of a phantom reservation-taker?
Yesterday, we called and made a reservation at Matchbox. A gentleman answered the phone number from the Web site (202-289-4441) and took the reservation. When we arrived at ten before seven, we were told by the hostess that they did not take same day reservations. We explained that we had in fact made a reservation and got some story that there is a man who is taking reservations without permission. They refered to him as a phantom who does this ofen.
Have you ever heard of such a thing?

Sietsema said the incident sounded “strange.”

It was strange enough, in fact, that several eager eaters got worried—very worried. According to Galeine Jhelyazaova, one of Matchbox’s official “reservation coordinators,” several concerned customers called the downtown bistro to make sure their reservations were safe.

They were, Jhelyazaova says. “Either it was a miscommunication,” she says, “or one of our employees did not pass it on.” Regardless, she says, there's no phantom reservation taker. “Our employee totally used the wrong word…We apologize for the whole misunderstanding.”

D.C. has the Social Safeway, the Soviet Safeway, and the Secret Safeway. We almost had the Shrapnel Safeway.

According to police, the Adams Morgan supermarket closed briefly Sunday evening due to a bomb scare. Officer D.J. Jackson, a department spokesperson, says the police received a bomb threat, prompting the bomb squad to evacuate the store and cordon off the area. "It was a hoax. Nothing was found," he says, adding that the person delivering the threat "was nuts."

Police would not reveal any additional details, but Victoria Wheeler, a security guard at the Safeway who was on duty Sunday evening, suspects a disgruntled customer. "A young lady came in and was disturbed because she had left the store for about an hour and they had put her groceries back," she says. The woman's cart was filled with perishables, Wheeler says, like shrimp and other seafood, and she left the store to get more money. When she returned to find her cart empty, she got "really upset," Wheeler says, and had a bit of a fit, yelling "and cussing really loud." The police had to escort the woman out, Wheeler says, and two or three minutes later they evacuated the Safeway. It was closed for two hours starting around 6 p.m., she says. Wheeler says she did not see anything that looked like a bomb.

Adams Morgan resident Carol Miller was about to pay for her groceries when the checker told her she had to leave. The place was surrounded by cops, she wrote in an e-mail, and she wondered whether the health department had finally decided to shut the place down. "That Safeway is awful. I swear they ship the nastiest and oldest produce in to that store, and fruit flies were everywhere."

Craig Muckle, a Safeway spokesperson, says that Safeway-specific bomb threats are "very, very rare."