The New Year will bring new protections
Like totally random inspections
The last time they tried
We hued and we cried
'Til Metro gave in to objections

Lanier is remaining as chief
Which had some in slight disbelief
Her salary rose
While other pay froze
Admittedly, causing some grief

If House members have it their way
Our statues will go on display
The thought's a bit heady
That L'Enfant and Freddy
Will stand there with Chandler and Clay

'Til now DC9 has been closed
(From "ice skating" they're indisposed)
Tonight is your chance
To go out and dance
With manner and cause undisclosed

Post-iPad the dudes who were "banned"
Have got yet another thing planned
Hell-bent on displaying
The piece so dismaying
That NPG folks had it canned

Most taxes, it seems, won't increase
And therefore will services cease?
The council while scrambling
Okay-ed online gambling
So long as D.C. gets a piece

Two actors of Narnia fame
Have picked an, um, obvious name
Would ol' C. S. Lewis
Adore it or sue us
Or maybe just think it was tame

This Fall saw a bit of suspense
(Not Shark Week. I mean, no offense.)
As part of recovery
Folks at Discovery
Think maybe they'll build a big fence

This city's collective malaise
Has ended my week in a daze
The progress we've made
Can seem so decayed
But here, let me list out the ways...

Commuters are stabbed in the head
Eighteen-year old girls show up dead
It drives you to drink
But not from the sink
'Cause tap-water here still has lead

The District is stabby in parts
But we are the home for free arts!
Though if it's subversive
And folks get coercive
We bow to the whims of old farts

Amidst all my D.C. maligning
There must be a silvery lining
We're up to 4Gs
Have two big-ass trees
So maybe I'll lay off the whining

The thought of four Walmarts enrages
But what if they paid decent wages?
Sold food fresh and canned
And we could demand
A store that had no twenty gauges

As if they could be more detested
(They're snotty and sometimes arrested)
Now five of their dorms
Have bed bugs in swarms
It seems that these kids are infested

What condom best matches your soul?
To answer that, fill out this poll
Just taking the quiz
Won't shield you from jizz
But may may make your day a bit droll

True, Walmart may get all the zeal
But me, I just want a good meal
So most of my fervor
I save for my server
At IHOP, 'cause now it's for real

Virginia politely implores
Some deer hunting while you're outdoors
Past hunters of meaties
Have gotten entreaties
To help out with pest control chores

And speaking of bullets to take
It looks like we may get a break
The turning of tides
Means Chaffetz presides
'Lest chairmanship, he doth forsake...

The trial, in all of its glory
So far has been brief, gross, and gory
You'd think we're beyond it
But now we hear Condit
Is writing his side of the story

You lion-heads, cast in your lots
With gingerbread, icing, and Dots
Entry ain't free
But winners will see
These cubs 'fore they lose all their spots

Campaigning has reached a finale
Not much to be done 'bout the tally
Election ennui
Is big in DC
So f–k it, we're off to the rally

A joy for each wonk, nerd, and geek
Jon Stewart's in town for the week
Obama to Goolsbee
This ain't where 'da fools be
'Round here we all think 'fore we speak...

Sure, sanity loss is widespread
But so are the walking undead
Those zombies (promotional)
Made you emotional?
Chill; they aren't just in your head

Though zombies may be what you've seen
It's vamps that will light up this screen
The early reviews:
Great movies, plus booze
So hey, have a great Halloween!

Those PETA folks sure are astute
They do more than shout, "cows pollute!"
At noon they will blast
The sound of gas passed
As their 'inconvenient (fake) toot'

Remiss if I do not opine
on all that involves DC9
First charged with assault
Now booze sales may halt
Seems business (and fun) will decline

You talk while you drive in DC?
You dumbass; that comes with a fee
The news: cops are nabbing
More drivers while gabbing
So hang up or do it hands-free

Ms. Levy's been dead such a while
That jogging Rock Creek's back in style
The news is replete
With many a tweet
As Ingmar prepares to stand trial

Progressions like this are quite rare
When dealing with voters or hair
From balding to Gray
Is never the way
Unless you are running for mayor

While Vincent declares that he's "humbled"
It's clear the incumbent just fumbled
His gaffes like not polling
Trumped door-to-door strolling
His campaign's response? well, it crumbled

The fact that Hizzoner did lose
Is certainly somewhat old news
What happens to Rhee?
Just wait and we'll see
What governance dust-up ensues

A town that's so deeply divided
Might wonder what Tuesday decided
If Gray can't deliver
Both sides of the river
Then clearly, this dude is misguided

For Hill scandals this ain't illicit
No diapers, nor photos explicit
A word to the many
Who owe quite the penny
The IRS really does miss it

The pen is your weapon of choice?
Then here is a cause to rejoice
The Mall ain't for jogging
'Cause now you'll be blogging
When WiFi enables your voice

Oh hey, there's a Tuesday election
The District must make its selection
My vote goes to Gray
But why, do you say?
Because his name rhymes to perfection...

Dismay, go astray, cabaret?
There's little his rhymes can't convey
And then there is Fenty
(One rhyme just ain't plenty)
Compared to the Vincent buffet

Though cringe moments, I have enjoyed
Real Housewives just left me annoyed
They're filled with self-loathing
Have got way too much clothing
Their heads? Just a huge gaping void

Vince Gray's full of vigor and vim
(Or that's what he says with his trim)
The man with new glasses
Says Fenty half-asses
When jobs in this city are slim

They ranged from type II diabetic
To needing some real anesthetic
But even a cynic
Observing this clinic
Would deem these guys nearly prophetic

I'll finish this rhyme with a quiz:
This guy stood outside of what biz?
But wait, it's a trick
Two stores? What a prick!
For covering shoppers with jizz

The start of this week was so dour
As many were left without power
Repairs are a farce
And Pepco's an arse
That "storm" was naught more than a shower

The primary has people stressed
So BOEE ran a test
Unless folks all lied
The party divide:
What ice cream, to you, tastes the best

Those City Desk guys I adore
Are giving each day its own score
The needle goes higher
When good things transpire
It shit hits the fan: minus four!

The Archives so rarely make news
But now they've got more to peruse
You like the New Deal
Like really? For real?
Then this stuff, you just can't refuse

The panda experiment failed
Now hopes ride on lizards quite scaled
To us they seem slinky
To them is that kinky?
Let's hope they get righteously nailed

With school getting set to resume
It seems that more firings loom
M. Rhee is selective
If deemed "ineffective"
A teacher will soon meet his doom

Don't cross her when talking 'bout sportin'
She's Eleanor "Badass" Holmes Norton
When those 'cross the aisle
Want substance 'fore style
She's quick with the you-too retortin'

A drop-top, bright red, who'd have thunk?
Twice towed 'fore they opened the trunk
It just took a whiff
To locate the stiff
And pinpoint the source of that funk

By PETA, our city was crowned
The best place for veggies around
Falafel's delish
But sometimes I wish
That something more bold could be found

Of hope, it seems we have a glimmer
The District weighs in a bit slimmer
So go for it, fatties
Eat bacon-topped patties
But broccoli might keep you trimmer

For ages the District has waited
And these dudes may soon be instated
But Brady is noting
That statues and voting
Are not even slightly related

For those of the scofflaw persuasion
Fuggedabout past tax evasion
You criminals, hardened
Will briefly be pardoned
To bolster the budget equation

Like you, I was flummoxed to learn
Our leader! A signal-less turn!
The man is a menace
When late for his tennis
The match is a bigger concern

At sixteen you can't drink a Bud
(You'd just hit the ground with a thud)
The Red Cross is low
On stocks of type O
So maybe soon teens can give blood

A lot like a snowball in hell
The chances of this don't seem swell
This week the sweat trickles
And Vince hates on Nickles
By asking to bid him farewell

Yes, rhyming 'bout weather is lame
But heat has me off of my game!
Our swamp, lads and ladies
Is hotter'n Hades
And these dudes are clearly to blame

We all have our groc'ry routines
And times when our rice just needs beans
If Giant is trouble
Your options soon double
When Target adds fresh leafy greens

If Metro is not how you travel
You know nearby "streets" are just gravel
To lighten your moods
The street work concludes
Before we are all start to unravel

The verdict came down on their side
The three guys aren't guilty as tried
But where their luck faltered:
It's likely Price altered
The knife on the night that Wone died

Reluctant at first, but not now
M.Rhee sent a shot 'cross the bow
If Gray beats Hizzoner
Then she is a goner
Not staying? No way and no how.