The New Year will bring new protections
Like totally random inspections
The last time they tried
We hued and we cried
'Til Metro gave in to objections
Lanier is remaining as chief
Which had some in slight disbelief
Her salary rose
While other pay froze
Admittedly, causing some grief
If House members have it their way
Our statues will go on display
The thought's a bit heady
That [...]

Post-iPad the dudes who were "banned"
Have got yet another thing planned
Hell-bent on displaying
The piece so dismaying
That NPG folks had it canned
Most taxes, it seems, won't increase
And therefore will services cease?
The council while scrambling
Okay-ed online gambling
So long as D.C. gets a piece
Two actors of Narnia fame
Have picked an, um, obvious name
Would ol' C. S. Lewis
Adore it [...]

This city's collective malaise
Has ended my week in a daze
The progress we've made
Can seem so decayed
But here, let me list out the ways...

The thought of four Walmarts enrages
But what if they paid decent wages?
Sold food fresh and canned
And we could demand
A store that had no twenty gauges
As if they could be more detested
(They're snotty and sometimes arrested)
Now five of their dorms
Have bed bugs in swarms
It seems that these kids are infested
What condom best matches your soul?
To answer [...]

Virginia politely implores
Some deer hunting while you're outdoors
Past hunters of meaties
Have gotten entreaties
To help out with pest control chores
And speaking of bullets to take
It looks like we may get a break
The turning of tides
Means Chaffetz presides
'Lest chairmanship, he doth forsake...
The trial, in all of its glory
So far has been brief, gross, and gory
You'd think we're [...]

Campaigning has reached a finale
Not much to be done 'bout the tally
Election ennui
Is big in DC
So f–k it, we're off to the rally
A joy for each wonk, nerd, and geek
Jon Stewart's in town for the week
Obama to Goolsbee
This ain't where 'da fools be
'Round here we all think 'fore we speak...
Sure, sanity loss is widespread
But [...]

Those PETA folks sure are astute
They do more than shout, "cows pollute!"
At noon they will blast
The sound of gas passed
As their 'inconvenient (fake) toot'

Remiss if I do not opine
on all that involves DC9
First charged with assault
Now booze sales may halt
Seems business (and fun) will decline
You talk while you drive in DC?
You dumbass; that comes with [...]

Progressions like this are quite rare
When dealing with voters or hair
From balding to Gray
Is never the way
Unless you are running for mayor
While Vincent declares that he's "humbled"
It's clear the incumbent just fumbled
His gaffes like not polling
Trumped door-to-door strolling
His campaign's response? well, it crumbled
The fact that Hizzoner did lose
Is certainly somewhat old news
What happens to Rhee?
Just [...]

For Hill scandals this ain't illicit
No diapers, nor photos explicit
A word to the many
Who owe quite the penny
The IRS really does miss it
The pen is your weapon of choice?
Then here is a cause to rejoice
The Mall ain't for jogging
'Cause now you'll be blogging
When WiFi enables your voice
Oh hey, there's a Tuesday election
The District must make [...]

Though cringe moments, I have enjoyed
Real Housewives just left me annoyed
They're filled with self-loathing
Have got way too much clothing
Their heads? Just a huge gaping void
Vince Gray's full of vigor and vim
(Or that's what he says with his trim)
The man with new glasses
Says Fenty half-asses
When jobs in this city are slim
They ranged from type II diabetic
To [...]

The start of this week was so dour
As many were left without power
Repairs are a farce
And Pepco's an arse
That "storm" was naught more than a shower
The primary has people stressed
So BOEE ran a test
Unless folks all lied
The party divide:
What ice cream, to you, tastes the best
Those City Desk guys I adore
Are giving each day its [...]

The panda experiment failed
Now hopes ride on lizards quite scaled
To us they seem slinky
To them is that kinky?
Let's hope they get righteously nailed
With school getting set to resume
It seems that more firings loom
M. Rhee is selective
If deemed "ineffective"
A teacher will soon meet his doom
Don't cross her when talking 'bout sportin'
She's Eleanor "Badass" Holmes Norton
When those [...]

By PETA, our city was crowned
The best place for veggies around
Falafel's delish
But sometimes I wish
That something more bold could be found
Of hope, it seems we have a glimmer
The District weighs in a bit slimmer
So go for it, fatties
Eat bacon-topped patties
But broccoli might keep you trimmer
For ages the District has waited
And these dudes may soon be [...]

Like you, I was flummoxed to learn
Our leader! A signal-less turn!
The man is a menace
When late for his tennis
The match is a bigger concern
At sixteen you can't drink a Bud
(You'd just hit the ground with a thud)
The Red Cross is low
On stocks of type O
So maybe soon teens can give blood
A lot like a snowball [...]

We all have our groc'ry routines
And times when our rice just needs beans
If Giant is trouble
Your options soon double
When Target adds fresh leafy greens
If Metro is not how you travel
You know nearby "streets" are just gravel
To lighten your moods
The street work concludes
Before we are all start to unravel
The verdict came down on their side
The three [...]