Hef and friends

Good morning, everyone. It's Friday!

First things first: Let's all wish a happy birthday to Hugh Hefner, who is turning 84!

Puritan patriarch Winthrop

From his bio on the Playboy Enterprises Web site: "Hefner was born in Chicago on April 9, 1926, the elder son of conservative Protestant parents, Glenn and Grace Hefner, and a direct descendant of distinguished Massachusetts Puritan patriarchs William Bradford and John Winthrop."

A direct descendant of distinguished Massachusetts Puritan patriarchs? Who knew? Also: What the hell kind of gift do you buy for Hef?

Moving on: People are animals. People are animals. And, apparently, people are animals.

Other things: Punishment has been meted out in the case of two James Madison University students who threw snowballs at a plow and an unmarked police car during one of the big February snowstorms. The Post reports they will spend 12 months on probation and pick up litter for eight hours. Ryan William Knight and Charles Joseph Gill will also have to write letters of apology to the officers involved.

Det. Baylor not overreacting

Isn't that all what Detective Mike Baylor had to do? No?

More other things: If you're not embarrassed to buy (or wear) jewelry from QVC, click here. If you're wondering what Tiger Woods is up to, click here (or here). If you want to read another story about the Salahis in the Post, click here. If you were planning to see the cherry blossoms this weekend, click wherever you want, but stay home—they're, like, over, and having so many people around is really annoying.

Did you pick up a copy of this week's cover story in the print edition—about rape kits and massive policy fails? If not, read it over the weekend. It's almost the weekend!

Photo of Hef by playboybunnybabes; photo of the Winthrop by cliff1066™, Creative Commons Attribution License

Did you get fooled yesterday? Jason Cherkis did. His brother texted him that Brian Wilson had died, and Cherkis was actually so distressed he all but hung up on the person he was interviewing, and then started sobbing uncontrollably in the newsroom. All of that is true, except for the sobbing part.

Maybe-Possibly Mayor Vincent Gray has a few things he'd like to discuss with Michelle Rhee, if, you know, he were to win that office. Among them, according to the Washington Post: "burn out" and her fiance. Her fiance being Kevin Johnson, the mayor of a city that is nowhere near Washington, D.C. That city being Sacramento.

"She's apparently getting married later this year," Gray said. "Her spouse obviously can't move here. So the question that would be germane to me is, does she want to commute 3,000 miles in order to be with her spouse? People get burned out in these jobs. I was a department director for four years at [the D.C. Department of Human Services], and after four years you burn out. It's good to go do something else at that stage. So that would be all part of the conversation."

First of all, that is a total exaggeration. I just checked Google Maps, and Sacramento is only 2,740 miles from the District, and it takes only 1 day and 19 hours to drive there straight, plus there are these things called airplanes. So it wouldn't really be a problem for the chancellor of DCPS to do that cross-country commute every other weekend or whatever. Schools are out on the weekend! Plus, I mean, Kevin Johnson could run Sacramento from here from time to time, too. What's the big deal? Mr. Mayoral Hopeful obviously hasn't thought this issue through very well.

As for the burnout, Braveheart knows no burnout.

Gilbert Arenas has paid $5,000 into the D.C. crime victims fund as part of his court-ordered sentence for his very funny gun play. According to the Los Angeles Times, the basketball player's $16.2-million salary makes him worth $197,500 per game. Or: $49,375 per quarter. Or: $4,114 per minute, even if he doesn't play all 48 minutes, which he doesn't.

So, basically, Arenas is paying into the victims crime fund what he earns in less than a minute and a half.

That seems about right to me.

Have a Friday!

Good morning, Mayor Vincent Gray!

Just trying that one on for size, given the BIG NEWS in the mayor's race! What does everyone think: "Can We Do Better"? How could we not, with a "dyed in the wool homey" at the city's helm? (How do you spell that word anyway? Backed up by Webster's New World, we're going with "homey." The Washington Post, though, which everyone knows is super-hip, likes  "homie." So we and Webster's might have to reconsider.)

Anyway, the Post likes this all very much, because the Post told Vince to run. And, you see, "A Gray-Fenty mayoral race opens up choices for the District." Now I suppose it does!

Nine people were shot last night in a driveby in the 4000 block of South Capitol Street SE; police at the scene told City Paper's Rend Smith that three people were killed, including two males and one female, after a van pulled up and opened fire on a porch full of people.

In case you missed it yesterday, Cara Cottle, the former girlfriend of Dirk Smiler, a mainstay in the D.C. goth scene who was shot in the head in February, was arrested and charged with his murder. Reached by WCP Arts Editor Jonathan Fischer, who has reported extensively on what went down the night Smiler died, Cottle declined to comment, saying: "Go to hell."

A D.C. Council oversight hearing into the conditions and mismanagement at the D.C. General shelter will be held today beginning at 10 a.m. It's a hearing and all, so Families Forward, which has the contract to run the place, will have to say something. So will honchos from the Department of Human Services. Jason Cherkis will be there to write down in his notebook whatever it is.

And finally: As the official Booty Wall and Booty Clock correspondent for City Desk, I must bring to your attention another Booty-related event: Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band is coming to D.C.! Well, Falls Church, Va., but still. The booty cannot be stopped.

Happy hump day, City Desk! Happy hump day, Maybe-Possibly Mayor Gray!

I just want to say that last night was City Paper's Best of D.C. 2010 party, at Lux Lounge, and there were drag queens serving waffles there and I didn't have one and I now regret that.

It's Judgment Day, Gilbert Arenas!

Today is the day we learn if popular professional basketball stars who bring four guns into the workplace as a "joke" have to face consequences everyone else who brings four guns into the workplace as a "joke" would have to face.

Prosecutors say Arenas should spend three months in jail. The maximum is five years. But probation—Arenas' preference, appropriate since he is very, very sorry and did not at all attempt to cover anything up—is also an option.

Unfortunately for Agent Zero, ESPN reports in a handy Q&A that "leniency is unlikely":

He will do time in jail. It will be difficult, if not impossible, for Judge Morin to ignore the previous gun charge and the fact a sentence of probation will be viewed as evidence of special treatment of a celebrity athlete. There seems to be no doubt that an unknown citizen who was a repeat offender, was represented by a public defender and was charged with the same crime would be sentenced to jail. The government's assertions that Arenas lied about the event and made a clumsy attempt to cover it up are compelling arguments that will produce a jail sentence. Morin enjoys a splendid reputation as a jurist who is capable of independent and insightful decisions.

Superior Court Judge Robert E. Morin could, however, be won over by the 32 (!) letters of support offered up by Arenas' legal team attesting to the fact that, you know, he's awesome. Question: Could you get 32 letters of support if you brought four guns into the Verizon Center locker room as a "joke"?

The letters

include tributes from two officials of the Wizards (a community relations officer and the equipment manager), a judge in Baltimore, Arenas' financial manager, a college student from Chicago who is financing his education selling Arenas autographs, a police officer from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, a literary agent who represented Arenas in a book contract (since cancelled as a result of the guns incident) and an elementary school principal, among others.

His financial manager? A police officer from DHS? A judge in Baltimore? Have you ever been to Baltimore? I can say that, I live there!

For what it's worth, I think Gazo the Pranksta has submitted a letter attesting to Arenas' character, too.

You've made it (almost) to the weekend; enjoy it. And if you haven't picked up a copy of Best of, do.

Well, our new Web site has been live for more than 24 hours now—plenty of time for you to have decided what you like, what you hate, and what you really, really hate. So let us know. We might even listen!

Are you excited for our Best of D.C. 2010 issue, out in print tomorrow? Pick it up, it's the best! In it, you will learn much more than just where to go for the Best Burger, the Best Barbecue, and the Best Wine List. You'll also find out the Best Dandy (no, it's not you), the Best Edible Cold Remedy, and, according to the Readers Poll, the Best Place to Smoke Weed.

Speaking of weed, get ready to grow some! D.C. Councilmember Phil Mendelson says a provision that would allow "home cultivation" is under discussion and could be added to David Catania's medical marijuana legislation. You could get five or six plants! I mean, there's rules and everything, but still.

As the Washington Post points out this morning, a lot is at stake in how the city sets up the whole program, which will likely center around five (or some other number of) dispensaries. Luckily, there are lots of people with experience willing to help: like a "Netherlands company offering indoor-growing technology" and a "California dispensary proposing a new franchise."

(Could you go wrong with either one? Advice, Mike Riggs?)

More from the Post:

Council members are looking to the 14 states where the use of medical marijuana is legal for answers. Steph Sherer, executive director of Americans for Safe Access, which supports legalizing pot for medical reasons, said that once policymakers become more familiar with regulating marijuana dispensaries, it becomes a routine part of governing.

"It's a boring clinic. It just maybe smells different than anything you've been in before," said Sherer, a D.C. resident who uses a marijuana spray four times a day for neck spasms.

That's actually what the clinics are going to be called: Boring Pot Clinic No. 1, Boring Pot Clinic No. 2, Boring Pot Clinic No. 3, etc.

In other non-pot-related local news, a flasher (description: white male) has been exposing himself to women on the Washington & Old Dominion bike trail. It's happened at least 11 times since January.

Speaking of white males, Joe Biden got really, really excited at the East Room signing ceremony for the healthcare bill yesterday. Barack Obama said things like:

“Our presence here today is remarkable and improbable. It has been easy at times to doubt our ability to do such a big thing, such a complicated thing. It’s easy to succumb to the sense of cynicism of what’s possible in this country."

Biden, not realizing he was being picked up on a mike, said simply: "This is a big fucking deal."

Happy hump day.

Photo by ElPablo!, Creative Commons Attribution License

Good morning, Friday lovers. It's amazing how, if you just keep working for four straight days starting Monday, the fifth one that comes around is Friday. Every single week!

Just so you know, there will be no references to Alex Chilton in this Morning Roundup (except for an indirect one at the end).

There will, however, be a reference to yesterday's City Desk post on the untimely deaths (or maybe they weren't untimely?) of 1. a tarantula 2. a sugar glider 3. a rabbit 4. a chameleon 5. an anole 6. and 7. two frogs 8., 9., and 10. three rats and 11. and 12. two mice. Do you know what a sugar glider is? Read it!

How are you doing with your bracket? Did you pick Murray State? Of course you didn't! Did you pick Georgetown? Of course you did! So what you're saying is, your bracket is ruined.

Speaking of March Madness, I must tell you something important involving the office pool you dropped $5 on. As in: It's illegal! Or it might be. I'm sure you've already checked with your office HR department to see if your place of employ has a policy against gambling (this is the case with many federal government agencies, though the company I work for, Creative Loafing, is very much pro-gambling). But beyond office policy, there's a whole legal thing.

"The legality of NCAA bracket contests in offices is really dependent upon state law," Anthony N. Cabot, who practices gaming law in a city that is known for doing a little gaming every now and again (Las Vegas), tells NPR.

(Does that mean we have to run our bracket past Peter Nickles? What the hell does he know about the NCAA tournament? If I didn't pick Murray State, he didn't pick Murray State.)

Anyway, Cabot says that most pools are fine as long as they're just "a casual bet between people and no one is making a profit."

To which I say: Of course we're making a profit! Or we would be if Murray State hadn't won, and Georgetown hadn't sucked so bad. Hoya Suckxa.

One sad piece of news to report: A Howard University senior drowned over the weekend while on spring break in Cancun. The Washington Post quotes the campus newspaper, the Hilltop, as saying Davon Green-Franklin, 22, of Baltimore, drowned on Sunday; details were scarce. "Known for an effervescent smile and positive outlook, he strived to learn lessons from everything he encountered," the Hilltop reported. On Saturday, Green-Franklin sent what is now an eerie-sounding tweet: "Life Lessons from the ocean water: the waves will pull you out further before they take you back to shore."

So, for the second day in a row, we end our Morning Roundup: R.I.P.

Photo courtesy of D34n, Creative Commons Attribution License

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Erin Go Bragh! Green Beer Rules!

Full disclosure: I feel, and am, vastly underqualified to write this Morning Roundup, devoid as I am of any Irish blood. But it's Wednesday, and that's my day, so allow a bonnie lass to try (I'm pretty sure "bonnie lass" is Scottish, but I am American, so it seems close enough to me.)

Here is a list of the best Irish movies. Here is why corned beef is a sham. Here is a picture of a cartoon leprechaun (with a pipe, winking). Here is a video of two real-life leprechauns doing Irish step-dancing. Here is a green bagel I would never, ever eat. Here are the top five ways to get lucky on St. Patrick's Day.

Here is the definition of the word "blarney." Here is an Irish soap ("Clean as a whistle!"). Here is an Irish breakfast cereal. Here is some information about the National Leprechaun Museum, which I'd suggest we visit, except it's in Ireland. Wait: Here's the name of an Irish friend I have in Cork: Gavin Sheridan. (Maybe we can stay with him.)

A tip from Gavin: IT'S NOT ST. PATTY! IT'S PADDY! SPELL IT RIGHT!

Here is how Barack O'Bama is Irish. And, finally, here is a stupid Irish saying that's probably not even Irish: "May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks. May your heart be as light as a song. May each day bring you bright, happy hours. That stay with you all the year long."

Look for District Limerick—limericks are Irish!—later today on City Desk.

Happy hump day, Paddy.

Good morning, City Desk. The bad news is it's raining. The good news is water falling from the sky can't change the fact that it's Friday. It just is!

Your mini-roundup: Mayor Adrian Fenty's been raising a lot of cash. A D.C. inmate escapes, then gets tired. Maryland doesn't want to tax sin. And Times Square is coming to Gallery Place?

Daylight Saving Time begins this weekend—fall back, spring ahead—which means we'll all lose an hour of sleep in the name of saving time (huh?). It was Benjamin Franklin who first suggested the idea way back in 1784 in an essay called "An Economical Project for Diminishing the Cost of Light," which is exactly the type of essay one would expect from Benjamin Franklin.

An Englishman named William Willett who liked to get up early and force everyone else to gets the real credit, though. He thought it was stupid that people would draw their shades at night even though it was still light out, so he wrote a pamphlet in 1907 called  "The Waste of Daylight" and then the idea took off (apparently pamphlets trump essays). Actually, it was all much more complicated than that, but see, this is a Morning Roundup, not a history book.

The loss of sleep will make for some cranky people—read: me—in the office next week, but that is not all. City Desk has learned that DST is also dangerous! According to some very scientific research, the number of heart attacks spikes in the first few days after the time change. Men are more likely to commit suicide. There are more traffic accidents on the Monday after. And: "Economists have found that sleep-deprived traders typically produce 'large negative returns on financial-market indices' in the week following the shift." (Don't traders do that anyway?)

Given all that, I think I'm just going to do what Arizona and Hawaii and Guam and American Samoa do: Go by the old time, and be an hour early for everything. Or is it an hour late?

Happy Friday!

Morning!

First, a mini roundup: Washington Post readers don't like pictures of gay men kissing ("please don’t shove this 'Gay' business in our face"; "I will be glad when your rag goes out of business. Real men marry women"; "disturbing"). Former representative Eric Massa (D-N.Y.) has some splainin' to do (it's not every day you can Google "tickling" and come up with a breaking news story). And Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson and his betrothed, DCPS Chancellor Michelle Rhee, are not Romeo and Juliet.

Now to the question of the week: Should Georgetown secede?

Discussion after the jump.

Carol Joynt, a writer and former TV producer who's behind the weekly talk show "The Q&A Cafe" and is the former owner of the now closed Nathans, threw that doozy out there this week on her blog, saying:

This isn't as much a question against the city as it is a question  for Georgetown. Its worth forming a panel to explore the idea and also inviting public debate. Reason one is that DC's not going to get home rule. I just don't see it happening. Why should we wait around, caving into powerlessness, when we could come together to create a governing body that helps to improve the quality of living right here where we live?

We could be the City of Georgetown or the Town of Georgetown. Regardless, have our own mayor, our own council, our own police force (on some streets we already do), our own public school system, contract out – like DC does – for a lot of the utility work (think: plowing snow), our own parking enforcement, our own ABC Board, and use our local tax dollars for Georgetown's own needs. We already provide a local bus system.

If you think about it, it makes sense. If you live in Georgetown, how much of the management of the city government relates to you in a positive way? How many city government decisions are made with Georgetown even remotely in the equation?

Anyone from any other D.C. neighborhoods want to answer that?

The Georgetown Metropolitan weighed in with some interesting history. Turns out there's precedent for this, and I'm not talking about the Southern states or Quebec. In 1838, Georgetown residents wrote a motion to request "retrocession" of all D.C. land west of Rock Creek. And the motion passed! And then some folks went to Annapolis, where it also seemed like a good idea! And then Congress pissed on it!

GM's Topher Matthews says, perhaps needlessly, that Joynt's suggestion is "totally ridiculous and never going to see the light of day. There is no way the government of the District or Congress would approve. And if there’s one thing that can get the rest of the District to hate Georgetown more, it would be to agitate for secession."

And Joynt more or less agrees:

I'm a realist. I know this won't happen. But I like the debate. It reminds everyone on the inside and outside of our "borders" that Georgetown is a village and the residents can be engaged in civic activism. We're not passive, but we get distracted. Too much of our focus is directed at the not always attractive commercial development of M Street, when its important to look at and nurture every nook and cranny of the commercial and residential areas.

But that's not the good part.

As for whether "secession" would further dispossess the dispossessed, I always look to Marion Barry. He treats his ward like it is a city and that he's its mayor and their needs come before all others. Say what you will about him, he looks out for his flock. He fights for what they need, what they deserve. Its the same with Ward 1's Jim Graham.

Wait, did she just say Georgetown needs someone like Marion Barry?

Photo by sylvester75117, Creative Commons Attribution License

In this space way back on Wednesday, we mentioned—OK, ranted—about O.J. Simpson's "acquittal suit," which, as part of a ridiculously stupid idea, was being offered as a donation to the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian didn't want it, because what self-respecting institution would?

The Newseum! According to the Washington Post's Reliable Source, the museum is "in discussions to obtain" the suit.

Seriously, can't we just burn it?

In related news, the Los Angeles Police Department has apologized to the family of the late Robert F. Kennedy for exhibiting at a homicide investigators conference the tie, shirt and jacket he was wearing when he was gunned down in 1968. Because, yeah, well, duh.

In other news: how not to run a transit agency;

how to ensure police will come and break up your post-game celebration over the Duke men's basketball team with pepper spray and billy clubs;

how not to go about obtaining beer from CVS (or anywhere);

how to apologize for shooting someone in the parking lot of a mall; and

how to be like Ezra Klein (if doing 20 blog posts a day doesn't appeal to you, skip that last one).

Marion Barry turns 74 tomorrow, and he's planning a quiet celebration. Understandable enough after the week he's had.

Happy birthday, Mayor for Life! And happy Friday!

Big news of yesterday: Marion Barry was censured.

Big news of today: Marion Barry was censured yesterday.

Big news of tomorrow: Marion Barry was censured earlier this week.

And not only censured. The D.C. Council also voted to strip him of his committee chairmanship and refer the findings of the Bennett Report to a criminal prosecutor. Can you say "consequences"?

In Webster's New World College Dictionary (Fourth Edition), under the "consequence" entry, there is a definition not just for that word, but for the phrase "take the consequences." It means "to accept the results of one's actions."

Barry wasn't so much into taking the consequences. He had this (and more) to say at the John A. Wilson Building yesterday afternoon: "How can I be accused of breaking something that doesn't exist?" And: "You punished Marion Barry on the words of one person." And: "The people of Ward 8 are going to get more out of me than ever before." And: "I'm still gonna work. I'm the jobs czar in this town."

Last night, when he delivered his State of the Ward address at Matthews Memorial Baptist Church (pastors first prayed for him and anointed him with oil), Barry added some more: "I'm not gonna let anyone or anything turn me around." And: "They may take my committee chair, but they can't take my dignity."

I won't fill up any more space here by repeating anything else, that shall be Loose Lips' job (hope you've been following his live-tweeting). The Morning Roundup must move on.

To Gay Marriage Day! Right here in the District! City Paper will of course have full coverage of the goings-on down at D.C. Superior Court, where we expect to run into the ever-thoughtful Fred "God Hates Fags" Phelps. By the way, here are the Sexist's Gay Marriage Day guidelines and a little gay marriage limerick, for good measure.

One more thing, because there's always one more thing: The Smithsonian announced yesterday that it has NO GODDAMN INTEREST ARE YOU KIDDING ME? in accepting as a donation the suit O.J. Simpson wore on the day he was acquitted—the so-called "acquittal suit." Earlier in the week, it was reported that a Great Compromise had been reached in a dispute over that suit. Who knew there were people who actually cared about it?

Lawyers for O.J., who is presently in jail in case you had forgotten, though I can't see how you would've because it's so nice to think about him rotting there (though maybe he isn't rotting?), and Fred Goldman, whose son Ronald was murdered in 1994 along with O.J.'s ex-wife, Nicole, had both laid claim to the suit. But they decided to finally put aside their differences in the name of, you know, something greater than themselves—namely, the American people. Somehow, they thought it would be normal for this suit to appear in a glass case in the same institution that displays the original Star-Spangled Banner and a piece of Route 66.

Note: not normal.

Happy hump day. Go get married!

Photo by emdot, Creative Commons Attribution License

Mary Buckley, of ANC 8B: Buckley says "everyone should be treated the same." If the Council is planning to take any action against Marion Barry, "there should be policies, something in writing, that what happens [happens to any councilmember], not just Marion Barry. If there's a policy that already exists, a purely outlined policy, then everyone should be treated according to the written policy. I don't think there's any law that Marion Barry violated to be singled out to be treated differently." She says Barry should "absolutely not" step down. "He hasn't done anything to step down for." She adds: "This is an allegation," she says. "The court hasn't found Marion Barry guilty. If a court finds Marion Barry guilty of anything—or anyone else—they would have to face the consequences."

Barbara Clark, of ANC 8A: Of the Bennett Report, she says, "It seems like that whole thing was a gray area, for me. 'Cause it was pretty opinionated, because there was nothing that I could see, that it was just a thing of what other people do. Sometimes you might hire a friend. ... I'm saying these things happen. I wish they would concentrate more on the positive things he does." She doesn't think Barry should step down: "I'm a native Washingtonian, and I know how he has championed for the have-nots. I don't see anybody right now that I can put a finger on to say that champions the have-nots. We need to think about that. Because somebody needs to think about the poor people. There are a lot of homeless people here. And not only that, just Ward 8 itself, it is one of the poorest, it's the poorest ward in Washington, D.C. It's all social services, no business or anything else, unemployment, a lot of ex-offenders are housed here, and crimes. It's all economics, and I always felt like some of the things we do have, the programs we do have, is because of the former mayor." She adds: "As far as I'm concerned, he's always, always has looked out for the poor. I think sometimes things get taken out of context. I'm not saying Marion has always been—he's a very charismatic person. He's a good-looking guy, and no matter what, women are always going to after any man who's in power, anyway. ... Look at Tiger Woods." And to those who say Barry is too old to serve, she says, there are U.S. senators in their 80s and 90s. "He's functioning well. There's nothing wrong with his mind. He's a brilliant man. He definitely hasn't forgotten where he's come from."

Olivia Henderson, of ANC 8D: Laughing, she asks, "Will this be held against me? They always say that I'm very confrontational." She continues: "I'm not saying he was right or wrong. However, there should be some type of consequence." Should he step down? Henderson says she isn't sure anyone would even notice if he did. "We do need better leadership over here in Ward 8. He is my representation and leader when I look for a councilmember, and I just feel as though something needs to happen now. I don't know how they impeach a person or anything like that. But we hold these people accountable for what they state. I understand what he has done in the past. But what is he doing in the future? I definitely think that he needs to be made an example out of. If not, they will continue to keep doing the same thing over and over." One more thing: "It really doesn't even matter if he steps down or not because I don't think he represents us at all."

Mitchell Hawkins, of ANC 8B: "Actually, I have not been following up with it. A lot of people tell me I should keep up with current news and things. I've been hearing about it, and I know there's some investigation or something like that going on. I don't know the outcome of it." He thinks Barry should step down because of his health problems. Otherwise, he adds, "I think it should just be dealt accordingly as if it was any other councilperson."

Carolyn Bridges-Ward, of ANC 8A: "Something I don't agree with is this lady [Donna Watts-Brighthaupt, Barry's ex-girlfriend]—she's the main course to the problem. The lady who Councilmember Barry was supposed to have given the grant to, if she truly worked for the grant, there's no problem. But I'm saying if she didn't truly work for the grant, then that should be a problem." Bridges-Ward doesn't care much about Barry's personal life. "I'm a Christian, so I feel like what happens in people's bedroom should stay in people's bedroom. It's not doing the community no good." And she doesn't think Barry should step down. "I don't see the need of him stepping down, not unless they find some discrepancy. I can't tell the government what to do, I'm just saying. If there's any monies to be paid back... or if there's not any discrepancies, just move on. It's enough of that out here already." Should there be any punishment at all? "Are you going to punish him for having an affair, or are you going to punish him for doing the wrong thing with the grant? I wouldn't remove him, not at this stage. No one is perfect, I'm just saying. I say let's move on."

Absalom Jordan, of ANC 8D: First, Jordan says he finds the Bennett report "flawed," in part because "we don't know the level of evidence that constitutes proof" of any potential wrongdoing. "We don't know if it has to be overwhelming evidence or clear and convincing." Second, Jordan says, Barry has apologized to the council. The council can't remove him: "No one can stop him from serving." He adds: "My concern is that I don't see enough evidence that would warrant him stepping down. He has said he accepts responsibility for certain things, that he admits that he shouldn't have done some things. He said he made some mistakes. He's apologized. I'm not looking for him to step down."

Have you heard the one about the fake 140-year-old hot dog?

How Batman kicked Superman's ass? ("Holy ass-kicking, Batman!")

How pot dealers prefer FedEx to UPS ("I mean, if you absolutely, positively have to get stoned overnight, I guess it's the way to go," says the Post's Petula Dvorak) but the USPS over both?

Actually, the story behind that last item is worth a closer look.

According to Politico, Melanie Sloan, a former federal prosecutor who works for the Center for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (responsibility? ethics?), was cooking dinner and watching her 11-month-old on Monday night when a FedEx guy showed up at the door with a package. It looked weird. It had only her Capitol Hill address on it, not her name, and it came from a mailing center in Anaheim, Calif.

She and her husband weren't expecting anything, but what the heck, who doesn't love an unexpected package? They set about opening it. It took 10 minutes, which was probably the first clue it wasn't a handmade knit hat for the baby.

Sloan and her husband cut through layers of insulation normally used in ceilings – which led them to believe there was an explosive inside. But the next level was a “huge oval wrapped in a zillion layers of plastic wrap.” It was then they smelled coffee, which is often used to cover the scent of drugs. And as a former Assistant United States Attorney in the District of Columbia, Sloan knew what was inside.

When she called the police, 12 showed up at her door. And they shot a series of photos of the huge block of pot. “They’re used to seeing dime bags,” Sloan joked.

One more thing: It has been reported to me by a top secret source that the print-edition City Papers were missing from their normal spot in the Rosslyn Metro station yesterday. Did you see them, Jim Brady?

Good morning.

So, in no particular order: Marion Barry is "truly, truly" sorry. Erik Wemple is leaving City Paper. Dick Cheney has had another (!) heart attack. And more snow could be on the way!

Speaking of Barry's apology, some people think poems are a good way to express regret. For example, the Web site perfectapology.com offers the one below, explaining: "This poem works well in a situation where you've been a little stubborn and haven't been able or willing to acknowledged your wrongdoing." That is perfect!

Three words, eight letters, so difficult to say.
They're stuck inside of me, they try and stay away.
But this is too important to let them have their way.
I need to do it now, I must do it today.
I am sorry.

Unknown Author

Speaking of Wemple, where did DCist get that picture of him wearing a tie?

Speaking of Dick Cheney, Wonkette says "he didn't die so you all can make fun of him."

But seriously. Speaking of snow, did you know that the District's Online Snow Removal Tracking Tool has been recognized as one of the best in the nation? I'd direct you to the press release, in which Chief Technology Officer Bryan Sivak is quoted as calling the Snow Map "just one of many examples of how the District has leveraged technology to make city services more efficient and helpful for our residents," but the link there from DDOT's home page is broken.

Luckily, I received a copy in my electronic mail.

A website that monitors creative government initiatives has confirmed what many District residents already know: the city has one of the best online tools for tracking snow removal efforts. OhMyGov says the DC Snow Map, provides a “snow mountain of useful information” and is ranked a close second [Editor's note: behind only Spokane, Wash.!] in a review of government snow removal websites across the nation.

So, basically, D.C. has an awesome tool to track how awful it is at snow removal? The press release goes on:

In the period between January 29 and February 15, which included back-to-back blizzards in 5 days, 40,071 users logged on to snowmap.dc.gov to track the snow plows. Traffic on the site peaked on February 8 when 7,804 people used the tool, and February 11 when 7,473 people logged on. [Editor's note: Admirable traffic indeed, even if all 40,071 logged in screaming, 'Where's the freaking plow?']

And so. Happy hump day.

Photo posted on Twitpic by dc_christina