Author Archive for Emily Kaiser

Chihuahua Dies in Hot Car While Mich. Tourist Visits Holocaust Museum

When temperatures creep near 100 in these parts, the true American idiots are sure to be found. How? They leave their dogs inside a ridiculously overheating car while they go about their day of activities. Because we all know how enjoyable it is to sit in our own car with the windows up in this [...]

Zoo Babies: National Zoo Welcomes Four Lion Cubs, More Coming

It's baby-birthing mania over at the National Zoo. The zoo's 5-year-old lion Shera gave birth to a litter of four cubs overnight. The first-time mom is resting comfortably with her new pests.
And that's not all, folks! Baby daddy Luke also likely knocked up Shera's sister, Nababiep, in June. She's expected to give birth sometime in [...]

Shocking: Suspected Semen Squirter Has College Degree, Girlfriend

When a man is accused of walking up behind women at the grocery store (and craft store) and squirting them with semen, apparently the every-day reader of said news assumes the suspect is a loser forever-single uneducated creepo. So wrong!
Please wait as the Washington Post's report blows your mind. Toss all your semen-spraying assumptions aside [...]

Alleged Serial Semen Sprayer Connected to Three More Grocery Store Squirts

It's the gift that keeps on giving: Gaithersburg is under attack and women are being sprayed with semen. We thought the incidents at Giant and then Michaels were bad enough, but now even more victims are coming forward. It's semen-squirting mania in Maryland!
In addition to the incident on July 15 at the Giant grocery store, [...]

Ted Stevens is Dead and NPR Fans ‘Like’ it

Former Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, the longest-serving Republican U.S. senator, died in a plane crash in a remote part of Alaska. He was 86. NPR posted said news on their Facebook page and 32 minutes later, 113 people already "liked" the news. Come on, folks! No more respect for the dead?

Gaithersburg’s Semen Sprayer Suspect Also Squirted Woman at Michaels

The now infamous Gaithersburg grocery store Semen Sprayer has been pegged in another attack. This time he allegedly squirted semen on a lady at Michaels craft store in Gaithersburg. Not even the innocent knitters are safe from semen attacks! And there could be more victims out there, police say. We can't wait to hear what [...]

Gaithersburg Giant’s Suspected Semen Sprayer Caught By Police

If your shopping experience at Giant usually feels like a nightmare, at least you weren't sprayed with semen on your way out. We wish we were kidding.
A woman was shopping at the Giant grocery store in Gaithersburg, MD when she noticed a man staring at her in the store. As she left, she felt a [...]

Boob Mix-Up: Woman Breastfeeds Wrong Baby at Virginia Hospital Center

Anyone who watched the latest season of The Office probably remembers the classic scene from the delivery episode where Pam, in a confused and tired state, reaches over to the bassinet on the side of her bed to breastfeed the crying newborn. When the baby latches on, Pam is ecstatic as her baby was having [...]

Is an Eco-Terrorist Slashing SUV Tires in NW?

If you're a loud-and-proud SUV driver in northwest D.C., be on the lookout for a possible eco-terrorist. At least 20 vehicles had slashed tires this morning in one neighborhood. And you guessed it: All of them were SUVs. Suspicious, right? Neighbors are already accusing the suspect of trying to make a point about their horrible [...]

Georgetown’s Mystery Rat Poisoner Might Kill Your Pets Too

There's someone in Georgetown who probably thinks they are doing the area a great service by dumping rat poison around town. False.
Now Georgetown pet owners will likely be in a frenzy protecting their pooches from inhaling the pellets during their evening strolls. Before we know it, all fuzzy creatures will be extinct in Georgetown if [...]

Rep. Jerrold Nadler’s Cab Driver Fights Back, Sticks to Ride-and-Ditch Story

Thought Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) vs. cabbie Abraham Habteab was over? Of course not! No one lets the man get you down, especially cab drivers who want their $8 cab fare paid back. And no one wants to be thrown under the bus by a stingy congressman.
Last week, Habteab picked up Nadler at Union Station. [...]

Woman Finds Dog Dead in Her Sweltering Car Outside Costco, Returns Pet Supplies

When the temperature outside climbs above 100 degrees, we're always bombarded with warnings that leaving pets and children inside cars will slowly cook them to death. This woman never got the message.
A woman in Frederick County, Maryland is accused of leaving her dog inside her sweltering car as she shopped in Costco July 6, ABC [...]

Montgomery County Cops Sniffing Out Your Public Park Marijuana

Thought you were clever setting up your pot-growing operation in a Maryland public park? Wrong. Cops are on your tail and ready to bust you just like they take down murderers and other horrible human beings. We didn't believe it until we saw this NBC Washington report that convinces us pot growers are destroying the [...]

Did a New York Congressman Ride-and-Ditch a D.C. Cab Driver?

What does a U.S. representative do when a D.C. cabbie doesn't follow his specific, and also illegal, instructions for their drive around town? Ride-and-ditch like any wholesome American!