City Desk

Winter Storm Anxiety Advisory Posted for D.C.

The National Weather Service has issued a winter storm watch for the entire Baltimore and D.C. region, which means there's at least a 50 percent chance of said winter storming coming our way later this week. And that, in turn, means there's a significant chance of winter storm anxiety. Here's the Washington City Paper winter weather meta-advisory:

A WINTER STORM WATCH...WHICH IS IN EFFECT STARTING
WEDNESDAY WILL IMMEDIATELY LEAD TO A HALT
IN THE AREA'S FUNCTIONALITY

* THERE IS 95 PERCENT CHANCE OF METRO DELAYS OF
AT LEAST 30 MINUTES. 100 PERCENT CHANCE THE RED 
LINE WILL BE UNDERGOING MAINTENANCE
WORK, FURTHER DELAYING THE DELAYS.

* IF THE SNOW APPEARS TO BE STICKING, SOCIAL
MEDIA-SAVVY D.C. RESIDENTS WILL ORGANIZE A
SNOWBALL FIGHT IN DUPONT CIRCLE OR NEAR U
STREET NW. A COP MAY SHOW UP WITH A GUN.

* ACCUMULATION OF MORE THAN THREE INCHES MAY
CAUSE NATIVES OF MORE NORTHERN CITIES TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW D.C. HANDLES THE SNOW. 
THESE PEOPLE SHOULD MOSTLY BE IGNORED.


* 90 PERCENT CHANCE WHOLE FOODS WILL SELL OUT
ON WEDNESDAY OF LOW-SODIUM CANNED SOUP, QUINOA,
AND PRE-MADE ORGANIC CREAMY MACARONI AND CHEESE. 

* AREA SCHOOLS WILL DEFINITELY CLOSE, EVEN IF
THE SNOW OPTS NOT TO FALL. WORK WILL CONTINUE AS
USUAL, THOUGH ALL EMPLOYEES WITH CHILDREN WILL BE
FORCED TO TAKE VACATION DAYS TO CARE FOR THEIR KIDS.
* NBC 4'S PAT COLLINS WILL ASK VIEWERS IF THIS IS
THE WORST STORM THEY HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. MOST WILL
CONTEMPLATE HIS QUESTION AND ULTIMATELY SAY YES. 

* 100 PERCENT OF AREA RESTAURANTS ARE EXPECTED
TO CAPITALIZE ON THE STORM, MANY OFFERING DARK
AND STORMY COCKTAILS ON THE CHEAP. RESIDENTS WHO DO NOT
MAKE IT TO WORK BECAUSE OF TREACHEROUS
COMMUTING CONDITIONS WILL STILL MAKE IT TO
HAPPY HOUR. 

* THE 15 PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO COMMUTE ON BIKES
ARE EXPECTED TO SURVIVE THE SNOW, THOUGH THEIR
CLOTHES AND BIKES WILL BE COVERED IN THE TONS OF
SALT THAT CITY OFFICIALS PREEMPTIVELY PILE ON THE STREET.
THESE BIKERS WILL RECEIVE MEDIA COVERAGE FOR 
HEROICALLY DECIDING TO BIKE IN THE INCONVENIENT
CONDITIONS. 

* THERE IS A 99 PERCENT CHANCE AT LEAST 50
PERCENT OF ALL CONVERSATIONS INITIATED WITHIN THE NEXT
SEVEN DAYS WILL RELATE TO THE SNOW OR LACK OF SNOW.

CONTINUE TO STAY POSTED FOR THE LATEST FORECAST.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

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  • Dracontine Colophon

    Since the buzz words "snowmageddon" and "polar vortex" have already been beaten to death, newly coined buzz words will emerge to be overused both by teleprompter meteorologists and laymen who think overuse of buzz words makes them sound smart.

  • Typical DC BS

    DMV residents are still clueless when it snows. If it's icy, that's one thing. Snow up to 6" SHOULD NOT be a reason to shut down schools and the general area.

  • Kes

    I'm from, as my Virginian boyfriend calls it, the "Bitter North", and I think it is totally fair for DC to cancel due to an overnight storm putting down more than 4". Unlike our prepared and hearty Northern cities, DC just doesn't have the trucks and equipment to make the roads safe in time for the morning commute. And given this level of snow happens once or twice a winter, if that, nor should they.

  • AJ

    I think that Pat Collins needs to do all news reports for all the local channels. Other reporters just aren't able to provide the dramatic delivery that Pat Collins is able to. That's what is missing in reporting today.

    This guy doesn't know what he is talking about. Pat Collins is the best!

    http://thisismylawn.com/2010/05/13/i-absolutely-hate-pat-collins/

  • Facepalm

    Since ~450k (data from 2011) people commute into DC with only 80k going out, the issue isn't really the snow - there is only so much paved surface area for a commuter city. Granted some will be traveling via the metro, it still relies on you being able to get where you're going in a reasonable time. Keep things open with 6 inches of snow? This isn't your hometown in WV. Good lord. Think just a little bit.

  • Joseph

    Too bad that "Saturday Night Live" is on break until after the Olympics.

    Otherwise, they could have done a hilarious skit based on this article!

  • http://westnorth.com Payton Chung

    @Dracontine: oh, but that's exactly why our teleprompted overlords at the Weather Channel came up with dramatic sounding names -- to bestow every passing cold front with the same destructive power as a Cat 5 hurricane, or an insane foreign dictator with armies massed upon the border.

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  • Novatronic

    The more humid micro-climates in the area make for a different kind of snow, that can get packed down into a hard and slippery layer, so it's a lot different than the snow that I am used to in the Northeast. I'm glad they now take the tack of shutting down the government to get all those cars off the road to prevent the nine-hour ride home (or the sleep in the office syndrome).

  • LB

    This article is full of win. I for one would like all of my news to be delivered by Pat Collins.

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  • Kriss

    Facepalm and others who agree it's not unreasonable to shut down DC with 6 inches of snow either in the forecast or on the ground, I'm with you, too. No one considers that DC has a large contingent of embassies and diplomats and visitors from warmer climes who also don't drive well in even dry conditions. I'm really tired of people like the student from Denmark who made fun of DC-ers and our snow by saying "I'm from Denmark and we deal with this all the time." Swell. Go back to Denmark and show some respect for your host country! We do well enough and do what we can to protect workers and residents who come from 3 states and the District every day. Also, yes, the Red Line will probably be scheduled for work, but that's an "indoor" job, so no need to postpone it! DC is nothing if not entertaining -- and I LOVE it all!

  • Chet

    Whiners... the HKEK still has salt from the last snow. Who are the other 14 commuters?

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