City Desk

Waterfront Man Considers Paying Gentrifier Protection Money

Property crime is a fact of life in Washington, especially in neighborhoods with changing demographics. But it might not have to be. After one Southwest Waterfront resident's car was broken into Sunday night, he decided to rollerblade on a nearby basketball court, which lead to an idea.

He was concerned that area children would rob him of his 'blades, until he had an idea. Instead of being mugged, why not pay them to protect his car?

"I want to use the neighborhood basketball/tennis courts to practice some slalom cone skating, but there's a group of 'yutes' hanging around there," writes Reddit user "minigiggles," explaining his problem.

In addition to the whole "being a person who uses rollerblades" problem, there is a racial complication. "I'm an older white guy, they are young and black, it's their turf and there's probably some tension since it's a neighborhood in transition," he writes.

But "minigiggles" has a plan:

I was thinking about skating anyway and if they approach maybe offer to pay them to look after my car at night. But I'm also in $500 skates...

No word yet on whether this Reddit user's plan to pay children to hang around his car will succeed. Our quick-thinking gentrifier hasn't responded to a request for comment, and this could be just another Internet hoax. But if it isn't, dibs on the rights to Crash: The Rollerblade Musical.

Rollerblading picture by Shutterstock.

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  • lefabe

    what a nerd. Go over to Hains Point to rollerblade.

  • Will Sommer

    Is that the good roller-blading spot?

    Relatedly, is roller-blading coming back? I feel like I'm seeing more people doing it than I used to, but then, my usual number of people roller-blading was 0, so it's hard to tell.

  • lefabe

    only person I ever see rollerblading is the chinese lady with her ipod and big headphones. I see her all over the place, but mostly at Hains Point and on the Mt Vernon Bike Path.

  • Jim Ed

    Rollerblading is definitely making a comeback. I seem to see one once every 2-3 weeks now, when I'm pretty sure I went a good decade without seeing one before. I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this.

    Also, this guy is an idiot.

  • MJB

    @lefabe - I thought she looked more Japanese?

    There is also a rollerblading club that comes through HP at times. I've seen them out there in the middle of the summer right after sunset.

  • Will Sommer

    @Jim Ed

    Thanks, good to know I'm not hallucinating roller-blades, Beautiful Mind style.

  • CCDCvoice

    Wait...all I need to do to be featured in CityPaper is make a really crappy, pointless reddit post?

    "r/dc, DAE have trouble not fondling DMV clerks? They're just so open and welcoming...I wonder if I bribed them to tell me to go to the back of the line, would they do it? Also, insert poorly-veiled racism/ racial "humor" in comments below please!"

  • Dino

    So let's say the O.P. decides to pay the 'yutes' to watch after his car? What's stopping them from breaking into his car, and stealing his precious rollerblades anyway? Do you think their legal counsel would advise them to have a contract of services, something that would be legally binding that instructs them on the manner in which the O.P's car would be watched? No. My money is on the yutes taking this sucker's $500, fancy roller skates, and his car radio.
    I've been the older (30 being older than say, 14) white guy moving into a mostly Black transitional neighborhood before. Here's some advice on how not to be robbed: Don't do conspiciously-douchey things like practice your slaolming in your $500 rollerblades across from the street from the projects. That goes double for trying to pay off perceived trouble makers. It will only make you an easy mark.

  • noodlez

    HOLD THE FUCK UP!

    AM I NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES NOT SEE ANY HUMOR IN THE BULLSHIT?

    SO THIS CONFUSED ASS INDIVIDUAL STUCK IN AN EIGHTIES TIME WARP AUTOMATICALLY THINKS THAT SOME YOUNG BLACK FOLK HANGING AROUND A BASKETBALL COURT WOULD HAVE INSIDE KNOWLEDGE OF A CAR BREAK IN? IN ORDER TO KEEP FROM BEING SINGLED OUT OR ROBBED MR. FUNNY BRITCHES MADE AN ASSUMPTION THAT BY DOLING OUT A FEW DUCKETTS HE WILL KEEP THE NATIVES IN LINE?

    ALSO THIS IGNORANT MUTHA FUCKA THINKS JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE “HANGING AROUND” THEY KNOW ABOUT CRIME AND WRONG DOING?

    I DON’T SEE ANYTHING FUNNY IN A SEEMINGLY GAY WHITE MAN LABELING YOUNG BLACK FOLK CRIMINALLY INCLINED THAT HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW. A WHITE PERSON COULD HAVE BROKEN INTO SAID VEHICLE. THE VEHICLE OWNER COULD HAVE EVEN DONE IT TO MAKE A FALSE INSURANCE CLAIM.

    THE STORY ISN’T PAYING THESE YOUNG FOLK OFF TO BE ON HIS SIDE LIKE THE MILITARY DID TO MUSLIM FOLK IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. THE STORY IS THE RACIAL STEREOTYPING THIS CLOWN IS DOING WHEN HE MOVES INTO THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD WITH HIS PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS THINKING SOMEONE WANT TO STEAL SOME FUCKING GAY ASS ROLLER BLADES.

  • http://www.canadainsuranceplan.ca Susan

    Hopefully it is good roller-blading spot and when you have to enjoy the music then act on your freewill !

  • lovessoldier

    Thank you noodlez, it cracked me up too. What a arse....

  • Dave b

    This can't be real. Is he like one of those amish people who get to leave the farm for a year to experience the real world.

  • eli

    I think it's a great idea to to advertise how much your skates cost. Now that everyone knows how valuable they are, no one will dare steal from this man.

  • Rebecca

    Still not convinced this is real, but "minigiggles" claims to be from Texas, which may explain a lot.

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