City Desk

D.C. Now a Suburb of Fairfax County: What This Means for You

Your New D.C. Council

With increased development in Tysons, some in Fairfax County have started declaring that Fairfax, not Washington, is the center of the region.

"Fairfax County is now the downtown," one official is quoted saying in the Washington Post. "D.C. just became our suburb."

Who knew? Fortunately, as a former resident of the county, I'm familiar with their customs and mores. Now that we're all headed there for work and leisure, a guide to what's about to change in the Fairfax County Metropolitan Region:

Your New Nostalgia: Unlike Washington, Fairfax County has laser-tag arenas. And if you're more into bowling alleys, Fairfax has you covered there, too. We aren't talking nouveau, H Street Country Club-style bowling. This is vintage '90s birthday party bowling, down to the sticky bathrooms and dads drinking Coors.

Your New Marion Barry: See that guy with the cane? He's Gerry Hyland, a member of the county's Board of Supervisors and, like Marion Barry, kind of a character (minus the crime). Hyland is notorious for his genial attitude, Telly Savalas-like visage, and again, his vaguely Renn Faire cane.

Your New Power Lunch: Bon Chon!

Your New Worst Nightmare: If you thought Choppa City was bad, wait until you meet juggalos, the devout followers of the Insane Clown Posse. They're so numerous in the county that the police have declared them a street gang and asked citizens to call in any "hatchet man" bumper stickers.

Sounds like a great place to be a bedroom community to. See you in the 'Fax.

Photo by Flickr user Fairfax County used under a Creative Commons license

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Comments

  1. #1

    good joke, Fairfax

  2. #2

    It's not truly official until we start giving ridiculous, SoHo-style nicknames to the neighborhoods.

  3. #3

    FUCK VIRGINIA.

    LET'S START TAXIN' THEM BAMMAS WHO LIVE IN VA AND WORK IN DC.

  4. #4

    I'm with you noodlez

  5. #5

    NE John and noodlez are some funny dudes man... with Virginia and Maryland residents paying for meters, overpriced parking garage fees, metro fees, sales tax, souvenirs, etc etc, DC wouldn't be any better than what you see if you drive by the Federal City Shelter each day.

    Y'all act like DC can stand on its own. It's obvious there's not enough talent residing in the District to staff a fully functioning Government or to grow legitimate District businesses that don't need to go outside city limits to get District money!

    You keep thinking your city is strong enough to stand on its own 2 feet, Mr. NE John and noodlez... while you do, get out of my way so I can get to my job in the District so I can take the money back to my house in Virginia and spend it on Virginia taxes and goods and services.

  6. #6

    Tell it LOL!

  7. #7

    "Y'all act like DC can stand on its own. It's obvious there's not enough talent residing in the District to staff a fully functioning Government or to grow legitimate District businesses that don't need to go outside city limits to get District money!"

    Give me a fucking break. Like this District government is the most corrupt in history, more than any other shit city like NY, CHI, DET, Gary. Just because artificial political boundaries define a city doesn't mean its citizens should be stripped of their basic human right of self-representation.

    Die 1,000 deaths from DC parking tickets. Then go fuck yourself.

  8. #8

    And you can spend hours just trying to go a block or two in Tysons. Above all, it's a shame and embarrassment that the most discriminatory state in the nation should have this kind of focus.

  9. #9

    It's baloney that you can spend hours just trying to go a block in Tysons. And who said we are the most discriminatory state in the nation? I want to see those rankings. We haven't been able to crack the Top 5 in many years.

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