City Desk

The 15 Dumbest Lines in The Hill‘s “50 Most Beautiful People”

The 15 Dumbest Lines In The Hill's "50 Most Beautiful People"

Upholding stereotypes of federal Washington—the superficiality, the high school-esque cliques, the general douchiness—isn't easy. But someone's got to do it, and thankfully, The Hill is on the case. Yesterday, the paper unveiled its annual "50 Most Beautiful People" list, a photo-and-profile spread of the Capitol complex's best looking denizens.

The list is mostly young, and heavily Republican—26 GOPers to 16 Democrats, according to New York's Daily Intel blog, which apparently took it seriously enough to do the math. (The other eight people on the list are mostly "non-partisan" or independent, most of whom are journalists, except one Hill staffer who listed her political affiliation as "centrist.")

Besides good looks and partisanship, The Hill's list also features a lot of bad writing and dumb quotes. Below, as a public service, Washington City Paper presents our own list: "The 15 Dumbest Lines in The Hill's '50 Most Beautiful People.'" We read the whole thing, so you didn't have to!

  • "'I think being nice is being pretty,' Johnson said. 'Having a bad attitude makes you unattractive.' Johnson would know, having won the superlative “most sincere” in high school." (Johnson also tells The Hill she's a big fan of Malcolm Gladwell: "I would marry him if he were available.")
  • "Call him the Tom Cruise of Congress—Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-Ill.) flies planes, fights wars and wrestles criminals to the ground."
  • "Stephenson wears brightly colored outfits that give away her Hispanic heritage. She continually brings in different regional cuisines for lunch. She says she keeps her hair shiny by using a family recipe: She mashes up an avocado with olive oil, rubs the mixture into her hair and lets it sit under a shower cap for an hour. When she washes it out, it shines like a freshly waxed limousine."
  • "When not holding down a full-time job or serving up drinks, Goscinski keeps busy batting for the House softball league. His tips for looking good might not be for everyone. '“No sleep, a lot of Jameson,'he said with a laugh. While he’s not sure what his 'life plan' is just yet, Goscinski joked that one thing’s for certain. 'When I make my millions,' he said, 'I’ll still bartend one or two nights a week.'”
  • "For Coley, a typical Saturday night is decidedly untypical: She often gathers with friends to listen to jazz on NPR and mix up a specialty drink — concocted just for the occasion—called the 'Constantino Brewmidi,' a play on the 19th century painter (Brumidi) whose frescos adorn the underside of the Capitol dome."
  • "'I still do workouts from the ‘70s,' the congressman said during an interview in his office in the Cannon House Office Building. 'I’m very traditional, very old-fashioned.' 'I really do think that when you look at all the top bodybuilders in the world, there’s always extreme training techniques that [they take] from Arnold Schwarzenegger,' Grimm said. The former Marine may be able to execute a floor-rattling clean-and-jerk, but Grimm has yet to master the art of dog training. During the interview, his teacup Yorkshire Terrier puppy, Sebastian, yipped for attention behind a plastic gate that kept him confined to one corner of the congressman’s office. 'No barking,' he said futilely. 'You’re in jail.'"
  • "Off the field, Palisi pursues her own passions. These days, she’s busy looking for the best chicken wings in D.C., after having developed a taste for the popular appetizer while a student at DePaul University in Chicago. 'Every night there was a cheap wing-and-beer deal,' she explains. 'It became the food of my choice.'"
  • "Adam Kohnstamm doesn’t like being held back. Even in times of present danger, like when he was 10 feet away from a pack of 400-lb. mountain gorillas in Uganda’s Bwindi Impenetrable Forest."
  • "'I lived off street meat in Europe,' said Grossman, who works for Meridian Hill Strategies. He recalls working in Alaska, when he spent a week stuck in a blizzard eating ramen noodles and cake mix. Not only that, as part of the international group The Explorers Club, he’s eaten several exotic meals, including maggots and scorpion. 'The maggots were not good, and they got stuck in your teeth,' he said. 'People who’ve had snake say it tastes like chicken — it does. … And scorpions have a weird crunch.' He then admits a bit wistfully, 'I missed out on the [meal] where they served tarantula.' As for his go-to food, he calls himself an 'inventive sandwich guy,' coming up with a new version every day."
  • "Woestehoff has introduced fish and chicken back into his diet, a symbol of the consistency he seeks throughout his life."
  • "With parents who both had children from their first marriages, Carlos Fleites said he has always considered himself the 'mutt' of his family. Yet his strong jaw and bright smile show that Fleites’s good looks are as pure as they come."
  • "Though she’s lived in Washington for only six months, Martin already is baking her way into the hearts of her colleagues on the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, where she was hired as counsel earlier this summer. 'I made some pretty amazing key lime cupcakes recently,' she says."
  • "For Light, staying beautiful comes as common sense. 'Try to eat small portions and don’t eat crap all the time,' she laughs. And don’t forget to take off your face before bed, she says—and with authority. Light previously worked with the Personal Care Products Council, an advocacy group representing the cosmetics industry."
  • "When Thompson isn’t working, bartending or exercising, he enjoys shopping for clothes at Astor & Black. 'I really like clothes,' Thompson said. 'Dress for the job you want, that’s what everyone says.' Another new goal: daily flossing. His dentist gave him a study showing that flossing every day strengthens the immune system."
  • "Ever tasted a Brie cheese, dark chocolate and fresh basil Panini? It’s one of Kate Bluhm’s many specialties."

UPDATE: By popular demand (well, by demand of one email), we've added this line, which was intended to go in the original 15 but was accidentally left out:

But he doesn’t exactly eschew all of life’s finer things. Bauserman wears a pair of shiny, silver Senate cufflinks, which he bought in celebration of his being hired in the Senate. He also has a pair of House cufflinks that he purchased 11 years ago when he first started on Capitol Hill, and he still wears them occasionally ('I’m a House staffer first… I remember where I came from,' he said). Rounding out the Democrat’s collection is a pair of donkey cufflinks. And then there are his grooming products. 'One word: Kiehl’s,' he said.

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  • BobInDC

    I went to The Hill and looked at every single profile. I thought that doing so, through the suffering, would make me a better, stronger person. I was wrong. It's 15 minutes of my life I will never get back. The experience was painful and made me feel like a loser for living in D.C.

  • LDubs

    Wow. These people are all douchebags.

  • S.B.

    Adam Kinzinger kidnaps taxi drivers and uses them to commit murders.

  • DG

    Could you list the name of the covert right-wing flack hack who wrote the Hill piece so we can mock them without having to to actually go to that site?

  • Viss1

    DC is apparently still Hollywood for ugly people.

  • Ward 1 Voter

    Kiehl's is no joke though. I've been using their moisturizer and my face has never felt so good.

  • KM

    I guess The Hill churned out this garbage in support of the old adage, "If you are intelligent, go to New York. If you are beautiful, go to Los Angeles. If you are completely full of shit and only moderately attractive, go to D.C."

  • Lulz

    "Stephenson wears brightly colored outfits that give away her Hispanic heritage."

    Captain Stereotype, away!

  • Walter Fauntroy

    One word: Kegels

  • la_molkas

    thank you, thank you, thank you between the "article" and the comments I just had the best laugh in weeks - had to keep it all in since I'm in the office.

  • https://twitter.com/ AfroStyling

    I am wearing 2 bright colors right now and i assure you it has nothing to do with my Hispanic heritage seeing as i'm Nigerian. Who wrote that crap? O_O

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