City Desk

D.C. Urban Moms Hate Your Stroller Because They Aren’t Getting Laid

As a young woman living in D.C., this week's cover story on the horrors of the D.C. Urban Moms message board further convinced me that D.C. is a wretched place to reproduce. I couldn't stop wondering why these women spent all of their time judging others on stroller choice, what school their over-privileged snob got into (the better the school, the more coke up their nose!) and yearly income. How could people that seem to have so much going for them be so mean?

I solved the mystery, folks! They aren't getting laid!

If you haven't fully explored DCUM, you are probably missing the best part of the message board: Sex and Relationship Issues (explicit). It's a scary look into the world of rich-people sex post-children. Basically you aren't getting any and the few that are getting it regularly are sure to rub it in your face if you dare talk about your sexless existence. You'll be thankful you've got the Graco stroller after all.

We've collected some of our personal favorites for you to enjoy, but please post others we should explore to make ourselves feel better about our lives. All people on this board are anonymous.

TOPIC: Sexless marriage and..
"sick of porn. what does one do?"
"Continue to use your rabbit (I'm assuming you're a woman) and live a life of quiet desperation. Join the club."
"www.ashleymadison.com"
"Just wondering what's the sex frequency threshhold to qualify for a sexless couple? I'm sure we'd qualify with our once a month schedule... I'm a female, so there are sexless moms here, too"
"Also in a sexless marriage. My husband is older and has zero interest in sex. I'll admit that I've thought about divorce or affairs.....Problem is I have very young children and can't fathom being a single mom."
"Do you mean that you can't fathom having to get a job? Since this is obviously all about you. I say that because you mentioned YOU being a single mom, not the fact that your kids would have a broken home."

TOPIC: How many times per week or month?
"We Have 2 kids both work fulltime and have sEx once a month. What about you?"
"Both work FT too, 5 and 2 yr old. Ranges between once a week to 5 days a week. Depends on our moods and on those of the kids!
DH got a vasectomy and our sex life has definitely improved because I was always kind of worried I'd get pregnant again and I don't want to be anymore."
"5 days a week is impressive to me. I haven't done that since college."
"About once a week. It's nowhere near enough. I masturbate two or three times a week also."

TOPIC: Sex and Babysitting
"Does anyone have friends that help each other babysit so that they can have sex? I know that there are ways to not let people know what you're doing, but I personally have trouble finding friends to help out and hiring someone in your house (which means that you have to find a place) is expensive."
"why do you need a babysitter to have sex? do it at night when kids are asleep in your bedroom with door shut."
"Until they start crying when 1/2 way into the thumping and the thrusting and the pumping?"
"Why would you need a babysitter to have sex with your spouse? Do you live in a one-room trailer? If not, put your kids to bed, lock the bedroom door, and have at it."
"Thanks for your responses. I guess I didn't realize how different most people must have it. When the children are asleep, that means that my wife is asleep. If I wake her up, I'm denying her sleep she's already deprived of. She usually complies and suffers through it but never enjoys it because, you know, she's tired."

And just for the gross-out factor: Elderly father addicted to porn

Photo by kodismom via Flickr/Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivs 2.0

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  • Steve

    As a Dad on Capitol Hill I subscribe to the Moms on the Hill (MOTH) closed e-mail list on Yahoo. It has about 3000 members. I've been a member for several years (Dads on the Hill are eligible to join).

    MOTH has none of the unpleasantness that one finds on DC Urban Moms described in this weeks article. None. After reading about the carping on DC Urban Moms, I wonder why. I think because MOTH is a closer knit group. We're neighbors and it rarely pays to get a bee in your bonnet. There is also less a spread of incomes and other demographics. I think you'd find similar in other smaller, more localized parenting groups in the DC area. I used a Graco stroller and never felt the need for a fancier one.

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  • Cole

    I am glad that you "solved a mystery" that seems to elude the rest of us parents out there. As a self-identified "young woman living in DC," you surely have enough time on your hands to visit the rest of the fora on Jeff's site. If you did, you would realize you saw a very small piece of the larger DCUM picture.

    I am trying to be gracious, but you really pissed me off with your cursory review of the site, and subsequent judgements. Get back to us when you have a legitimate reason to use DCUM, and I can guarantee that people will be kinder to you than you are to them with this bullshit piece.

  • single dingle

    Dear author:

    Some day this will be part of your massive online resume. I'm sure this, and your last few articles mocking other sites around DC will only help you in your quest to get a "real" journalism gig someday.

    Hahahahaha. Seriously, you're a windbag and you don't even have kids yet. Yikes for you...

  • wtf

    Emily. Stop. This piece will bite you in the ass down the road if you pursue a real career in journalism. The internet is a bitch like that.

  • Carnies and Rubes

    Who would want to have sex with these disgusting magpies?

  • Elizabeth

    My first observation is that you have confused journalism for just plain 'bitchin. But the real humor in this article is that you too will find yourself in the EXACT position of many of these women. You can protest and deny all you want that you won't be -- we ALL did -- but you will be. And not just once, but many, many times.

    Elizabeth Jones
    A proud DCUM Mom who will continue to accept the support of other mothers

  • C

    I don't think Jeff Steele can take much more of this. He's started a thread on his site about this blog, in which he rambles on a bit incoherently about how those who comment on City Paper blogs are lame and don't get laid nearly as often as the users on his site do; how his users are not lame, and how he'd "put his users up" against those who comment on City Paper blogs any day of the week. The DCUMers, in turn, are bragging about how they "broke the bed" last night and pointing out that you can't become a mom without getting laid. ;)

    If this makes little sense to you, I can assure you that the problem lies with the source rather than the messenger. Check it out for yourselves -- it's in the off topic forum.

    Jeff has become completely unglued.

    Check it out for yourselves. The dude is coming unglued.

  • D

    Emily: You must have missed the one where the wife is desperate seeking advice as to how to handle her husband's smelly balls. That? Was classic!

  • Kevin

    The writer of this article just comes off as mean, spiteful and judgmental. I can't even understand why this was written.

  • C

    Because it's true, Kevin. Because it's true.

  • Z

    They're not getting laid because:

    1. They're bitchy.

    2. They nag and are always complaining about and to their husbands.

    3. They're intensely jealous, which turn off their husbands.

    4. Most of them are fat and have otherwise let themselves go. Thay think this is their god-given right because they had children. This is the DCUM theme song. Their husbands should love them for "what's on in the inside".

    5. They bitch about their husbands' sexual needs and preferences, and brag about how they will not, um, accommodate them.

    6. Due to all of the above, many of their husbands are having affairs. Some of them know it; the rest are in a profound state of denial.

  • Z’s Fat SIL

    Some men refuse to have sex with their fat wives.

  • Gerald

    Who would want to have sex with a fattie??

  • Jay

    Some men have affairs with attractive women with hot bodies simply because looking at their wives fails to make them horny anymore. That's all it takes. Sad, but true.

  • TOW

    The "other woman" often lies to her lover that she is not having sex with her husband, because they all know that this is what their lovers want to hear. Actually, TOWs are usually having sex with their husbands and a few others, in addition to their one and only "lover".

    And most of the selfish pricks who cheat on their wives are so ego-starved that they believe every single lie told to them.

    They get just what they deserve. And more.

  • Maggie

    Oh god, it gets funnier! I've followed this "scandal" and found it hilarious - thanks for adding to the fun and also to commenter Steve for pointing out a local resource that has none of the ridiculousness of DCUM.

  • Melissa

    Funny indeed. I just found a 15-page thread where men are complaining that their wives won't shave or wax their pussies, and the women are countering that they shouldn't have to.

    What a bunch of losers. Yeah, we all need advice from them.

  • EHK

    This is just so narrow. When you are walking the floor with a colicy baby, you will find yourself on DCUM asking what to do.

    I have learned more about DCPS than I ever could have on my own - and you will be in that situation of do we move out to the burbs, go private or asking what public school is good and safe. You'll ask.

    And not all of us rich, snide or sexless. You missed the post about what people did for New Year's Eve.

    My friend had a baby 6 months after me. We went to a party at her house before the baby was born. After the baby came, all their friends changed. Just wait: when your life has to accomodate children, you'll be grateful for all the help you can get. And it won't be from the folks still partying.

  • Miranda

    And if you ever need advice on where to get a good vibrator, DCUM will be a good resource for you as well. One woman even shares her experience of putting a condom over a banana, screwing herself with it, and then putting the fruit back in the fruitbowl for her kids to eat.

    No, I am not kidding.

  • Eve

    I had spent several afternoons in a hotel with the husband of a DCUMer that I met through DCUM. The place is a bit of a cyberbar.

    He spent hundreds of his family's money each time, just to enjoy me for a few hours. Why? His wife has a stretched out pussy, is fat, and dresses herself funny. I was a respite for that, until he started to disgust me & I sent him home to his wifey for good.

    Ladies, take heed: While your husband may say he's reading DCUM for parenting advice, he's probably using it as an Ashley Madison. Only with no subscription fee, and much better cover.

  • Gerald

    Yesterday, in a post entitled "Washington City Paper Part 3", Jeff Steele queried (with great indignation), "Who writes [who'd want to have sex with a fattie?]??"

    Most men don't want to have sex with fatties. We're the same men who query who would. Jeff likes to pretend he does not mind having sex with a fattie, but that's only because he has no choice but to have sex with a fatty. Check out her picture on the site -- what a babe!

    If he's a real man, he minds plenty.

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  • http://www.adequateparenting.com Adequate Parent

    With undying respect to the Katherine M, an eye roll to Emily K, and a spoonful of respect for mothers, urban or not, see the responser at -- Adequate Parenting.

  • D

    And see the comments. Adequate Parent is whore. But she'll probably delete them. Because she's also a vain coward.

  • Nah

    This is what Adequate Parent really thinks of DCUM:

    http://adequateparenting.com/?p=425

    That is, before she decided she needed Jeff to be her BFF.

  • Emily

    Adequate,

    So happy to hear that you admire my work. I admire yours as well. However, I don't think it is appropriate for you to promote your blog over here. I think that constitutes advertising, for which you must pay a fee. If you wish to pimp your blog here further, please contact the advertising department.

    Cheers!

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  • DC Dad

    Moms are getting laid -- ALL THE TIME.

    I'm a DC dad. I take a lot of time off to take my baby to events, where there are mostly moms. I'm the only person there one child. Every woman has at least two, if not three and sometimes more.

    We're the only family on our street with one child. Everyone else has 2 to 5 kids.

    Do you think women in their 30s get pregnant on the first try? It takes many tries for most women once they hit a certain age.

    Trust me, the professional (and stay at home moms) in this area are getting tons of action.

    I've been to DCUM. Some of the women are, indeed, nuts. When my wife and I got married, I checked out the Knot. Yeah, some of the engaged women in the forums are nuts. Some of the women in my office are nuts, too.

    You see, that's the thing, some women are nuts, regardless of how much action they're getting.

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