City Desk

The Needle: Tornado Edition

"Lots of rain in a short amount of time will pound the land"

Virginia is for Gay-Bashers: Turns out the Transportation Security Administration was hoping more people would opt out of the scans and force them to touch their junk last week. Or at least, such is the feverish conspiracy theory espoused by Loudon County Board of Supervisors member Eugene Delgaudio. The TSA patdowns, Delgaudio declares, are all part of a plan by gay TSA agents to "secretly [get] pleasure out of your submission." File under: Proof that being represented by even the looniest D.C. Council member is still better than living in Loudon County. -1

Freeze Away: No need to panic, apparently—the 1.4 percent pay raise President Obama is freezing for federal workers was so miserly in the first place that canceling it won't affect the District's economy much. Of course, the pay freeze will save $60 billion, while tax cuts for people who make more than $250,000 a year will cost $700 billion; figuring out which one would trim the $6.2 trillion deficit over the next decade ain't hard. Unless, that is, you're actually making policy, in which case it's apparently impossible. +1

Go Nutmeg: 'Tis the season to scare the crap out of parents with feature stories on how dangerous wrapping paper, holiday lights, and other December mainstays can be. As if on cue, today brings the terrifying news that—gasp!—teenagers are snorting and smoking nutmeg, and even—double gasp!—"posting video of their nutmeg abuse on YouTube." Next thing you know, they'll be having rainbow parties under the mistletoe! -1

Surrender Dorothy: A bad weather year keeps getting worse: Storms passing through the area tonight could bring winds of up to 50 mph and tornadoes. (Flooding is possible, too, so the District is, once again, distributing sandbags to residents.) In the event of an actual tornado, remember this essential tip: Click your heels together three times, not twice, while repeating, "There's no place like home." Clicking twice will just get you to the Orange Line. -2

Yesterday's Needle rating: 49 Today's score: -3 Today's Needle rating: 46

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  • DCexpat

    Ha! The nutmeg thing! We talked about that in high school too but never did it. Other prison-tricks to get high were smoking dried toothpaste, peanut skins, and the inside of bananas peels. Thank goodness we had weed instead.

  • Alien

    Bwahaha! I remember the whole nutmeg thing when I was in college, like, a hundred years ago. Don't forget about licking toads, too.

    Anyway we should probably be happy when kids are smokin' nutmeg, which as I recall was unpleasant enough to smoke that you generally didn't bother doing it more than once. With all kinds of bored teenagers engaging in such brilliant activities as huffing propane, a little holiday nutmeg high should be a relief.

  • SUBMIT PUNY HUMAN! YOUR DOOM IS AT HAND!

    Okay, so bear with me: Obvs the homosexual agenda bit is batshit crazy, but from a psychoanalysis of the power dynamic, yeah, TSA and the security apparatus in general do very clearly get off on our submission.

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