City Desk

Shocking: Suspected Semen Squirter Has College Degree, Girlfriend

MichaelEdwardsWhen a man is accused of walking up behind women at the grocery store (and craft store) and squirting them with semen, apparently the every-day reader of said news assumes the suspect is a loser forever-single uneducated creepo. So wrong!

Please wait as the Washington Post's report blows your mind. Toss all your semen-spraying assumptions aside as we give you the real squirt.

Michael Wayne Edwards Jr., 28, has been charged in five cases of using a small bottle to squirt semen on unsuspected ladies, four of them at the Gaithersburg, Md. Giant and one at Michaels craft store. When police questioned him on the cases, he apparently admitted to the crimes and even had cell phone evidence to prove it. How thoughtful of him to speed up the justice process.

But now he believes he will be vindicated. And how do we know this guy might just be innocent in this nasty crime? He's just your normal everyday dude who's just too smart to actually squirt a load on randoms. The shockers: This suspect has an "undergraduate degree in criminal justice, worked as an armed security guard at a government installation and was described by his mother as a quiet, well-mannered son who trains as a body builder," WaPo tells us. How gosh-darn normal can you get? Minus the whole possible semen thing.

But wait! There's more! His lawyer says he "does have an explanation" (can't wait to hear it!). Oh, and he's got a girlfriend of 10 years who totally stands by him.

Edwards worked for Stronghold Security guarding the Washington Aqueduct drinking water treatment plant on MacArthur Boulevard. The general manager says he passed a background check prior to working there, but we're assuming they don't look into weird semen hobbies. We'll refrain from questioning our water quality, but ponder the question on your own.

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  • Lou

    I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  • Jiggaboo Coon

    How long would it take one man to produce enough semen to accumulate enough to squirt at someone?

  • Cee

    it just goes to show you, a college degree should not be equated with having common sense. a degree ain't all that.

  • Nikki

    Wow, I can't wait to find out what his explanation is! Maybe he has a rare disease where he ejaculates massive amounts of semen at random times and places. Instead of dealing with an embarrassing mess to clean up and carrying extra pants all the time he's at the point where he just has to do it in any container he can get his hands on, in this case a squeeze bottle. Due to the spontaneous ejaculations, he must carry said bottle with him everywhere he goes - and on these trips to the grocery store (and Michaels!) he accidentally squeezed the stuff all over someone after making a quick catch. What else could the excuse be other than that?

  • Quisling Crakkka Dog

    The same amount of time it would take you RACIST sissies to pack yo shit and scram!!

  • Quisling Crakkka Dog

    NIKKI, are you a porn director or a set fluffer??

    Your imagination is out there sista............

  • Chemical Ali

    Now that's what you call a bukkake ambush.

  • Rick Mangus

    'Nikki', put the pipe down!

  • The Sperminator

    Be forewarned, there are more of us sperm-shooting cyborgs out there.

  • Mike Edwards

    Has anyone seen my bottle??!

  • tired



    Ha! He has a very strange fetish. What a freak. This is a person who needs to be put away in a mental hospital for a VERY long time!


    Oh and Quisling Crakkka Dog....really??? "pack yo shit"???? ROFLMAO!!!!!

    You are an incredibly funny R-Tard.

  • Jiggaboo Coon

    Black people are so depraved. No wonder they're always getting arrested and thrown in jail. They act like animals!

  • chokey chicken

    Hey, I do this quite often and I am white!