City Desk

Cheap Seats Daily: Who Is the Real Redskins Life Coach?

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Somebody named Johnny Parker, who identifies himself as "Redskins Life Coach" on invitations, will be hosting the latest in a series of domestic tranquility seminars next month in Alexandria.

Parker's event is titled "Married Couples Tell All Part 4: Bigger and Better Than Ever!"

After playing a "Newlywed Game," Parker will give attendees his take on a series of "hot topics."

From the official invite, the meeting agenda:

  • Resolving He Said, She Said Conflict
  • Marriage. Expectation vs. Reality
  • Reconciling After Infidelity
  • Fertility and Parenting
  • Are You Ready for Marriage
  • The Lifecycle of Marriage
  • Emasculating vs. Edifying
  • Submission. “Miss Independent” In Marriage
  • I Make More Than Him, and He Can’t Take It

What Parker learned from Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snyder's treatment of Jim Zorn will inform the "Emasculating vs. Edifying" segment, while throughout his career DeAngelo Hall has gone public with sentiments along the lines of "I Make More Than Him, and He Can't Take It."

And what Redskins fan doesn't need to know more about "Expectation vs. Reality?"

(AFTER THE JUMP: Diageo has bigger friends than Dan Snyder? The Bowie Baysox let a jump in the Bay get wintered out? The Canadians link "Bullets" and bullets, too?)

As for whether Parker really is the official Redskins Life Coach, well, these T-shirts say otherwise.

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For the head-in-the-sand print platform of this week's Washington City Paper, I wrote about Diageo, the Redskins official liquor company. They'll go anywhere from FedExField to Port au Prince to get the Diageo name out there.

Go pick up a copy. Read the story. Patronize every business. Twice!

Diageo, a worldly conglomerate, has friends in Washington other than just Dan Snyder. Folks just as powerful as Snyder, too. Seems the mega-boozers got a sweet deal from Congress to relocate a Captain Morgan rum plant from Puerto Rico to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Puerto Rico will lose an estimated $4 billion when the Captain sails. The feds gave Diageo a reported "$3 billion tax break" to make the move.

How could that happen? Fabulous question!

And perhaps, an answer, from the website ProPublica.org:

Diageo's windfall at Puerto Rico's expense wouldn't be possible were it not for pricey lobbyists, the complexity of the nation's tax laws and Congress's ability to approve politically embarrassing deals with a sleight of hand that leaves little trace.

On K Street, Diageo has an in-house team of lobbyists that was paid $2.25 million last year. Diageo also has the help of DLA Piper, one of the world's largest legal and lobbying firms, which has an office seven blocks from the U.S. Capitol. Last year, Diageo paid DLA Piper $770,000 to lobby on this and other issues.

Blame the lobbyists! One of DLA Piper's many rainmakers is Berl Bernhard, former owner of the Washington Federals. When I talked to him a couple years ago about his star-crossed old USFL team, Bernhard seemed like the most content, happy man on the planet. No wonder: The guy's been swimming in money and rum.

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The Bowie Baysox give out Pat Sajak bobbleheads and Lindsay Czarniak bobbleheads and even Scott Van Pelt bobbleheads (* limit one (1) bobble head collectible per person ages 6 & up. There will be a no exit policy in effect at the stadium from 5:00 – 6:00 pm or sooner if all of the bobble heads have been distributed) and just never miss a beat, promotion-wise.

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Until now.

Here's the lede of a press release out of Bowie yesterday: "The Bowie Baysox took an icy plunge today at Prince George's Stadium after missing the 2010 Polar Bear Plunge on Saturday, Jan. 30, due to inclement weather."

In other words, the Baysox originally scheduled and much-hyped fund-raising jump into the frigid Chesapeake Bay was canceled...because of winter!

But but but but...isn't the whole point of these "Polar Bear Plunges" to showcase a fool's man's ability to overcome Mother Nature? Baseball games get canceled because of bad weather; Polar Bear Plunges do not.

Except with the Baysox.

To make up for not diving into the Chesapeake Bay when team representatives said they would, Baysox spokesman/carnival barker Tom Sedlacek filled up an inflatable pool with air and water and snow at the stadium and jumped in by himself.

Bill Veeck's pissed, wherever he is.

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A tragic intersection of "Bullets" and bullets: A murder trial opened yesterday in Toronto that all of Canada is paying attention to. Two teenagers, whose names are not being released to the media because they were juveniles at the time the crime was committed, are accused of murdering 15-year-old classmate Jordan Manners in the stairwell of a Toronto high school. The Manners murder, which occurred in May 2007, was a huge story in Canada from the start, since it came only a month after the slaughter of 31 Virginia Tech students and faculty and for a time had the world talking about American school violence.

The last two graphs of the trial story in today's National Post:

The six men and six women were also shown pictures of the clothing that Mr. Manners was wearing. There was a slight burn hole visible at the top of the zipper on the sports-style G-Unit jacket, the clothing line produced by hip hop performer 50 Cent.

Underneath the jacket, he wore a black T-shirt and a vintage "Washington Bullets" singlet with the number 41 and the name "Unseld" on the back, referring to Wes Unseld, a 1970sera basketball star in the NBA.

Several other trial stories in the Canadian media also mention that the victim was wearing a Bullets jersey. I have to think the Gilbert Arenas situation, and all the attention that focused on Abe Pollin's team's name change, have something to do with that.

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Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

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