City Desk

Cheap Seats Daily: Charlie Weis? No! Marty Schottenheimer? Yes!

This holiday season has given me a new favorite TV commercial: the one for Fun Slides.

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That's a pair of slippery plastic pieces you strap to the bottom of your shoes like skates and slide around the house in. The spots for these carpet skates run every few minutes on the over-the-air Channel 66.2, a QUBO network affiliate out of Manassas (but get-able to cable-free households in downtown DC with mere rabbit ears).

The tag line: "More fun than socks on a polished wood floor!"

I mean, childhood obesity has to be dealt with, but this is ridiculous. How Fun Slides haven't been parented or lawyered out of existence amazes me.

You can get little Johnny a pair of Fun Slides for just $19.95 plus shipping. But wait! With each purchase you'll get a second order free, plus an instructional DVD with "bonus footage of pro and semi-pro fun sliders getting extreme!"

According to the ad copy, unsafe as they surely are, Fun Slides won the "National Parenting Center's seal of approval" and were named to Dr. Toy's 10 Best Active Products list. (I'm guessing this Dr. Toy would give his blessing to a box of rusty nails so long as the check clears, and that Dr Toy's malpractice insurance premiums are through the roof. And before you let your offspring strap on some Fun Sliders, you might want to inquire where Dr. Toy went to med school.)

I'm not saying I've seen these commercials too many times. But for weeks now I've had this incredible urge to get extreme with a semi-pro Fun Slider. But not a pro.

(AFTER THE JUMP: No Army, but the EagleBank Bowl can still get Bill Cosby? And there's a party? But is it a Gary Clark party? DC RollerGirls lose their voice? DC Divas will sell you a season ticket for $40? Are you listening, Santa? Tiger Woods finally gets caught up in steroids scandal, and brings in that overage, overbuilt swimmer lady with him? Open Letter Tracker turns its sights on City Desk?)

***

So the EagleBank Bowl didn't get their men. Army, the squad organizers were hoping to land, lost again to Navy over the weekend to finish 5-7, or one win fewer than the six required for bowl eligibility. So in steps UCLA (6-6) to face Temple (9-3). Temple should be a big draw, having not made a bowl appearance in 30 years.

Call me Nostradoofus: I predict that the day before the bowl, Bill Cosby will be in town doing interviews about the game from Ben's Chili Bowl while wearing a maroon Temple sweatshirt.

On Dec. 29, the day of the game, there'll be a big tailgate party on the RFK Stadium/DC Armory grounds, with buffets and beer and video game contests. So, now that I think about it, things are playing out exactly like Gary Clark said they would. Sort of.

Maybe he's Nostradoofus.

***

Skaters, Cont.: The DC Rollergirls have announced that Derby Diamond Dave, the only P.A. announcer the squad has ever had, will call it quits after this Saturday's Roller Derby Doubleheader at the D.C. Armory.

I've got emails into the team to find out why DDD or anybody would let go of that gig. (Reminds me of the circus joke with the "What? And give up show biz?" punchline.)

The Rollergirls don't get the media coverage of, say, the Redskins, but they have had an influence around town: The other day I saw a gang of kids skating down the street in Petworth wearing old-school side-by-side wheels instead of in-line skates. I hadn't seen that in decades. "Gotta be roller derby!" I said. I believe that!

***

Sticking with girls who don't get enough attention: The DC Divas have announced their 2010 schedule and put tickets on sale just in time for Santa.

The season opens at home April 10 vs. Baltimore. For folks looking for ways to spend the money they will no longer be spending on Redskins season tickets (and who didn't find all the answers in my first charticle), a general admission season pass to all Divas home games will cost you $40, or about as much as you'd pay to park once at Dan Snyder's adjacent stadium on a fall Sunday.

***

The Redskins want Charley Weis?

Well, an unsourced Tweet's good enough to get the ball rolling on a story these days. We've already been through the Skins Want Jon Gruden! chapter, which sounded like hokum from the start but probably helped Gruden get his ESPN extension and more money. And Mike Shanahan's name keeps coming up.

But here at Cheap Seats Daily, we still say Marty Schottenheimers' the only guy who can save Dan Snyder this time around.

Unless Jim Zorn wins out. Boy, would that make things interesting.

***

He who wins last ranks highest. Good Counsel and DeMatha had the same records overall (13-1) and against each other (1-1) this season. DeMatha won the regular season matchup. But GC won the game that counted most, the WCAC Championship, and so takes the top ranking in the Washington Post's final Top 20 football poll.

Interesting tidbit in the story: Good Counsel has lost only three of its last 32 games, all to DeMatha.

Sad tidbit: Another year goes by and not a single D.C. school finishes in the Top 20.

***

It was only a matter of time before the Tiger Woods tale brought out the steroid rumors. From the New York Times:

A Canadian doctor who has treated many N.F.L. players as well as Olympic medalists like Donovan Bailey and the world’s top golfer, Tiger Woods, is under criminal investigation in the United States. He is suspected of providing athletes with performance-enhancing drugs, according to several people who have been briefed on the investigation.

The F.B.I. investigation of Dr. Anthony Galea, a sports medicine specialist who has treated hundreds of professional athletes across many sports, follows his arrest on Oct. 15 in Toronto by the Canadian police. Human growth hormone and Actovegin, a drug extracted from calf’s blood, were found in his medical bag at the United States-Canada border in late September. Using, selling or importing Actovegin is illegal in the United States...

Dr. Galea said Mr. Woods was referred to him by the golfer’s agents at Cleveland-based International Management Group, who were alarmed at the slow pace of Mr. Woods’s rehabilitation after knee surgery in June 2008. The doctor said he flew to Orlando, Fla., at least four times to give Mr. Woods the platelet therapy at his home in Windemere, Fla., in February and March of this year.

When asked for comment about Mr. Woods’s involvement with Dr. Galea, Mark Steinberg, of I.M.G., responded in an e-mail message: “I would really ask that you guys don’t write this? If Tiger is NOT implicated, and won’t be, let’s please give the kid a break.”

Guess the kid's not getting any breaks. I can't believe it took so long for that geezer swimmer lady built like Madonis to be outted.

***

More fallout from Tiger's saga: The outbreak of open letters, a scourge followed obsessively by Cheap Seats Daily since the Woods saga broke, has officially gotten outta control.

Why is it now official? Well, unless I'm mistaken, an "Open Letter to Joe Lieberman" appeared in this very forum earlier this morning.

(BTW: According to Cheap Seats Daily's newfangled and highest-tech feature, Open Letter Tracker™, "Open Letter to Joe Lieberman" gets 88,100 Google hits. That's about 81,000 more hits than "Open Letter to Jesus.")

***

Story tips? Wanna Play the Feud? Tube amps for sale? Send to: cheapseats@washingtoncitypaper.com

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  • Comrade Al Gonzales

    Norv Turner just won his fourth straight AFC West title with the Chargers. How many has Punky Snydester won since he fired Norv?

    That was the last good team the Skins had, the year Snydes got his mitts on the team. If the Turk Brothers hadn't fucked up that snap & field goal in Tampa, maybe the Skins wouldn't have suffered this ten year period of stink, stench, & malodorous putrescence.

  • Typical DC BS

    Amen, Comrade Al. You're right on the money here.

  • paul

    84isaconartist@comcast.net

    Nostradoofus doesn't even begin to describe Gary Clark. The guy has lawsuits, judgments, failed to child support and illegitimate kids throughout the DC area. This so-called party was his last big scam since the real estate market crashed. He is the king of mortgage fraud.

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