City Desk

Our Morning Roundup: The “Are You Insecure About Your Calves?” Edition

donkeycalf296_1Hello, and welcome to today. It's Friday! You've probably heard about the expected hike in Metro fares and that the man accused of killing Chandra Levy is facing new federal charges.

But did you know that Tiger Woods is insecure about his calves? Honestly, that's the least of his problems right now, but let's consider the matter for a moment anyway. Jaimee Grubbs, a cocktail waitress who claims to have had 20 sexual encounters with Woods over 31 months, said she once ribbed the world's best golfer about his lower legs' less than manly size. "I remember him giving me the biggest death look," she said. "He told me he was very insecure about the size of his calves. He said, 'I can't grow calves.' And I was like, 'Okay, sorry!'"

In the interest of trying to help out a guy when he's down, I have compiled a few quick tips on growing calves.

Writing on the message board at, Antihero suggests a disciplined plan of donkey calf raises, standing calf raises, and seated calf raises: "I have been using Arnold Schwarzenegger's calve routine for the past few months, and it's been quite good. I have been gaining about .25 inches on each of my calves every month. So I have been very satisfied with the results."

Tim Henriques over at Testosterone Muscle likes the "Turn Those Calves Into Cows" routine from the book The Poliquin Principles by Charles Poliquin: "My calves got much stronger and noticeably bigger from that routine, which I followed for about 18 months." (Disclosure: Poliquin's Canadian. But maybe Tiger won't mind, since he's Cablinasian himself.)

I don't know what kind of calf-building regimen Adrian Fenty does, but Tiger might also want to consult him. The only caveat there is that all the exercise may be making the mayor crazy.

One last piece of  bad news for Tiger: The First Church of Tiger Woods has disbanded over his "sins." A positive spin: More time for calf training!

Photo of donkey calf raise from

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  • Comrade Al Gonzales

    PANIC! Snow tomorrow! Panic! I bought all of the TP, bread, & milk in Traitor Joe's & Safeway. Headed to Giant now to buy all of their supplies.

    Panic! Snow tomorrow! Panic!

  • Contrarian

    Oh good googly moogly... the city will shut down. Al, since you got them all I guess I have to Charlottesville to get out side your range of purchase. They need to close the office now so we can get home before the first flake hits the ground... to much to do to prepare...

    Well, there are plenty of flakes around here, but they aren't on the ground yet...

    AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! [fade shot of man running screaming into the woods as snow falls on his hunched shoulders]

  • Comrade Al Gonzales

    Panic at the disco! Wide spread panic! I got gang-banged at the Cleveland Park Giant by MILFs and nannies with strollers, swarming in the aisles like busy bees, buying all the TP, bread, & milk.

    Panic! Panic! Snow! Panic! Snow! Panic!

  • cminus

    There are times when I think Comrade Al is Monkeyrotica with a reference copy of the Communist Manifesto by the computer. This is one of the times when I don't think he even needs the book.