City Desk

“No One Wants To Date Me Because I’m Asian”

love_1The online dating site OkCupid has some interesting – though, let's be honest, not entirely surprising – findings about its users when it comes to racial attitudes. After analyzing the messaging habits of nearly 1 million people, the site concludes this: Your race is a pretty big factor in determining whether a message you send out into the online dating ether will be answered – and, for some groups, whether a person will date you at all.

Among the findings:

  • Black women are by far the most likely to reply to a first message. But they do not feel the love back. "Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race – including other blacks – singles them out for the cold shoulder," OkCupid found.
  • White men get more responses – from almost every group. Despite their popularity – or because of it? – they are the worst responders, replying about 20 percent less often than non-white men.
  • White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else, and Asian and Hispanic women prefer them even more exclusively. These three categories of women respond well only to white men. "More significantly," OkCupid reports, "these groups’ reply rates to non-whites is terrible. Asian women write back non-white males at 21.9%, Hispanic women at 22.9%, and white women at 23.0%." And, while white women have an "above-average compatibility" with almost every group, they reply well only to "guys who look like them."

Very few people in any racial group considered interracial marriage a "bad idea." Still, in assessing users' answers to "match questions," OkCupid found that 45 percent of whites prefer to date people of their own race, compared to just 20 percent of non-whites. That preference was even more pronounced among white women: 54 percent, preferred to date white men.

Blogging about the findings at dmbosstone.com, Patrick Pho of Arlington, Va., lamented: "No One Wants To Date Me Because I'm Asian." He described himself as a – gulp – "Twinkie," or an Asian man with a lot of white friends who ends up adopting those white friends' likes and tastes – including when it comes to women. He likes white women, is what he's saying. "What sucks is that White girls don’t like Asian guys," he wrote.

Sometimes I joke that I want to be white.

What I don’t tell you is that I want to be white so white girls would actually like me.

In today’s world we are changing the way we think about race in the workplace and life- but I can’t help but think there’s still a lot of hardwired racism I have to fight when it comes to physical attraction. I could have the best personality in the world but I doubt that’s going to make that brunette across the way like me any more if she’s into white guys.

Because I’m not a white guy, but sometimes I want to be.

Happy dating!

Comments? Ideas? I'm at eniedowski@washingtoncitypaper.com, or on Twitter.

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  • Mark

    I'm Asian and every female wants to date me

    Asian guys just need to step it up and they'll be fine...

    Learn from other Asian males who just get it.

    Where can you find guys like this?

    ==>Asian Pimp Status

  • TJ

    Well I must reply to the posts from black women saying nobody wants to date them.

    Not true! I''m a white man and I generally prefer black women to white women and so do some others I know. Most of the black women I have known have ben far from the stereotypes that are pushed in the media and were beautiful, feminine and generally a delight to be with.

    Don't believe the hype....

  • Beltway Greg

    You people are so picky. When I was single I had few requirements: breathing and female. Beyond that everything else was negotiable.

  • Liza

    I think one of the reasons a lot men don't prefer Black women is because Black women are portrayed as strong individuals who don't take sh*t off anybody. Women are STILL supposed to be basically submissive. Of course Black women were never given the "chance" to be submissive since they had to, you know, do the white man's labor and work harder than anybody. Secretly though many men think Black women are very sexy and attractive.

    White women and men are preferred because whiteness still denotes power and all us sad little monkeys will always scramble to "get with" what's powerful. Power=Beautiful, which is why whites are looked at as beautiful, with even people of color being considered "prettier" if they have more European features, Halle Berry anybody?

    Asian women are adored and Asian men are abhorred because Asians as a whole are stereotyped as submissive and "feminine."

    I think Black men are adored and Black Women are abhorred is because people of African descent, both men and women, are stereotyped with "hyper-masculine" qualities, which descend from the slavery era. This is why The Black Boyfriend is the ultimate bad boy for white women and why white guys secretly love but are scared to death of black women.

    I'm a white woman who finds guys of different races attractive but I only seriously dated white guys, and if I'm perfectly honest with myself it's because deep down I know I would lose a healthy amount of white privilege if I ever entered into a serious relationship with a person of color.

  • JoAnn

    I have been on that site and honestly the data captured it very true! I am an African American female, and when ever I sent out a message I NEVER got one back. Not trying to put myself up there or anything, but I find myself to be quite attractive/very pretty, and I was very disappointed at the ''racism'' that was pouring out of that site. It really is true that black women are hated, viewed as ugly, and no one wants to date them! I am attracted to whites and Asians the most, but get nothing but views from OTHER BLACK GUYS! It’s a dark world for our race, and even thou I am light skinned it doesn't change anything. This world can make you really hate being yourself, make you look forward to your death! Sometimes I see little white girls posting silly stuff like ''do you think I’m pretty'' polls... THEY DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD THEY HAVE IT!!! I wish I was looked at as pretty so I would AT LEAST BE GIVEN A CHANCE to show my unconditional love! That site was the last straw and I gave up on online dating. Once upon a time I use to be open to meeting guys from different race in public places, now I just view them from a far thinking, ''he is not even paying attention to me'', ''that black guy is looking why won't he'', ''he probably thinking I am ugly anyway'', ''trying to talk to him would be suicide!'' I see a potential guy every 20 mins in my day and this is what I think EVERY TIME because that is how low I have been shown to be! They hate us! I am not loud, I am not ghetto, I am EXTEMELY sweet and yet I am hated for something I do not fully understanding! Now image how good you got it!

  • poka

    I'm a white girl and I love Asian guys! I have lots of white girlfriends who also love them lol, and I know lots of interracial couples. Maybe I just notice them more because I like seeing them, lol. It really depends where you look. If you are an Asian guy who wants other than an Asian girl, def try to take an East Asian class of some sort, you will be guaranteed to meet girls who are into Asian guys.

  • ATLSis

    Life has taught me a lot.One of the lessons that came from is to see people for what they are.

    When I read about that article it kind of remind me of my prior days of thinking.Back then, I wanted my ideal man must be at least 6'1-6'5, about 230 lbs,must have a great since of humor. Even though I had these then qualities for him to have, I didn't discriminate on who it had to be for. At that time I wanted all races of men to fit this criteria. I was young with a then abstract way of thinking.

    As a child, I watched STAR TREK. There were three characters on that show that I liked on there, Dr.Spock( Leonard nimoy), Uhuru( Nichelle Nichols) and Sulu( George Takei). My mom and I would watch this program because of them. Spock( i thought that he was unique) Uhuru( I thought that she was pretty Black woman and not having barely any Black models her image really helped me ) and then there was Sulu.( That man has a very sexy voice). I liked to hear him talk and not he wasn't bad looking either.

    Far as my initial impressions of Asian men,I knew most of them from Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia. The Vietnamese tripped me out.They seemed( At least the ones that I've met)were so full of life. Far as men, I found them to be sexy because of how they they talked. The Asian Guys I came across had deep sexy voices. Some were short some were average height and one or two was over 6 feet,but no mstter how they looked their way of talking just made them look good.

    Since I can remember I've always lead a diverse life. I guess because how i lived and what my folks taught me about life. I've been attracted to all races, nationalities. It did matter. I've been attracted to an african-american man with one leg. He was cute and such a great guy--the predominate reason that I liked him.

    From initial glances, we see the outsides of the person,but I try my best to see people from the heart. I don't " look" for men, I let nature take it's course. If it's meant for me to get married,have kid or to be single for the rest of my life, and if he just happens to be Black/non-Black that's all good.

    I believe that some people may miss out on finding the loves of their lives is because ,for some they may have frivolous expectations of what they want in their spouses.
    I have looked at several IR websites and for the most part i enjoy going on them. While there are some people who are sincerely on there to celebrate their love, there are some others who are stereotypical about why they want to be in one . Love isn't just an emotion, it's kind, colorblind, long suffering,tolerant and beautiful.

    For the time being, I love the single life, but for any man that I get, I would like for him to be a respectful individual who understand the meaning of commitment, to see me as his equal, to love me, his family and his community--Just a man that people would look up to.Any man can be this.

  • KennyBaby

    I’m amused by this article, I also got a kick out of the many bigoted responses but anyway I just wanted to voice out a little something here; I'm a Chinese-American male, I came to this country when I was 5 (I'm 39 now) and throughout my childhood years in Elementary, Middle, to Jr High and High school I had the most amazing times with girls from all races and backgrounds. When I was in second grade, I had a really cute green-eyed / pale skinned Mexican-American girl, she was a doll (like 'Darla' from "The Little Rascals") and I’ll never forget her. As I got older during my teen years towards the the Jr High period, my first serious girlfriend was a Yugoslavian-American girl with golden curly locks; we were just like any other teenie-bopper at the tender age of 14.

    As time progresses to my late teens and early 20's, I went out with three more Mexican/American girls, a Swiss girl, a French/Vietnamese, and two older Asian women (one from Taiwan - 33, and an Asian/American from Berkeley, CA - 37, I was between 20 and 23 at the time). Again, fast-forward to age 25, I got into my first serious relationship with an Irish/American. She was a full-blown blond, green-eyed, tall and also a bit older. A real nice person to be around with for a very long time, we had the best of times, but eventually we've parted. I now look back and thought to myself; I had it all, and as a Chinese-American fellow I didn't knew or felt anything negative other than the norm. I guess I was just being myself and cherished life. I don't know, but maybe people see me as a person that loves life and cherishes his surroundings. My only flaw (I think) was that I got bored very easily during a relationship, I should be married by now but I'm not. I am more serious these days and have been in a serious relationship with my girlfriend (a Middle/Eastern girl) for 9 years now.

    I don’t get it, these stories really; people crying, complaining, other people making fun and the stereotyping. I Read them and I laughed. So, as an Asian guy, I'm not complaining. It is amusing to me reading the article, especially towards the person who wrote it.

  • slimjim

    It's okay, nobody wants to date me because I am black, male and accomplished in my own unique way. I am that invisible class of black men who never get mentioned ever. I am not the thuggy ghetto trash. So I do not exist, except only when people want to hate on me. Black, white , Asian it doesnt matter. Being rejected is one thing. Being treated like a non-person by everyone is another. Women ignore me and hate me. I have never known a good woman. I am ignored everywhere. That is my life. IIn reality I am hated more than a ghetto trash thug. At least people understand him. I am that 1% of 1% that people do not understand. And it terrifies them more so than a man with a gun. Living a with a target on my head because I have a mind is the worse feeling of all. I am working hard to try and leave the usa forever in order to be free ofthis nightmare. I hate htis country with a passion and my life here. It is horrible as a man to live like this and this way. And to be completely invisible to everyone. Never feel bad man. Things may be bad but at least you are not like me.

  • ss

    How about the short guyz !
    I am 5'4 and more hated then blacks.

  • blondestar

    I love asisn men! Aside from the awesomeness of them in bed and oh so smooth skin they are hardly ever out of shape and aim to please. I don't know why you have had problems dating. But I really don't think all that in a package is a bad thing.

  • Ben

    alice, have you been a whore for long? How do you deal with the STDs?

  • Jackee

    Asian men are hot as. I love every thing about them they are so perfect. Every thing i mean there arms, legs i want to and need to marry one, its tear me apart some thing bad i cant find one i dont know where they hang or what they do. Bring it on any time little man lol.

  • Just Sayin

    No he's not. You're just reading hate into an article where there was none, ignorant dumbass.

  • shutupthanks

    You probably look black as fuck. But yell mixed raced because no one can tell by just looking up at you. Mixed blacks do that the most I noticed.

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  • Lix

    You forgot small vaginas.

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