“No One Wants To Date Me Because I’m Asian”
The online dating site OkCupid has some interesting - though, let's be honest, not entirely surprising - findings about its users when it comes to racial attitudes. After analyzing the messaging habits of nearly 1 million people, the site concludes this: Your race is a pretty big factor in determining whether a message you send out into the online dating ether will be answered - and, for some groups, whether a person will date you at all.
Among the findings:
- Black women are by far the most likely to reply to a first message. But they do not feel the love back. "Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race - including other blacks - singles them out for the cold shoulder," OkCupid found.
- White men get more responses - from almost every group. Despite their popularity - or because of it? - they are the worst responders, replying about 20 percent less often than non-white men.
- White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else, and Asian and Hispanic women prefer them even more exclusively. These three categories of women respond well only to white men. "More significantly," OkCupid reports, "these groups’ reply rates to non-whites is terrible. Asian women write back non-white males at 21.9%, Hispanic women at 22.9%, and white women at 23.0%." And, while white women have an "above-average compatibility" with almost every group, they reply well only to "guys who look like them."
Very few people in any racial group considered interracial marriage a "bad idea." Still, in assessing users' answers to "match questions," OkCupid found that 45 percent of whites prefer to date people of their own race, compared to just 20 percent of non-whites. That preference was even more pronounced among white women: 54 percent, preferred to date white men.
Blogging about the findings at dmbosstone.com, Patrick Pho of Arlington, Va., lamented: "No One Wants To Date Me Because I'm Asian." He described himself as a - gulp - "Twinkie," or an Asian man with a lot of white friends who ends up adopting those white friends' likes and tastes - including when it comes to women. He likes white women, is what he's saying. "What sucks is that White girls don’t like Asian guys," he wrote.
Sometimes I joke that I want to be white.
What I don’t tell you is that I want to be white so white girls would actually like me.
In today’s world we are changing the way we think about race in the workplace and life- but I can’t help but think there’s still a lot of hardwired racism I have to fight when it comes to physical attraction. I could have the best personality in the world but I doubt that’s going to make that brunette across the way like me any more if she’s into white guys.
Because I’m not a white guy, but sometimes I want to be.
Happy dating!
Comments? Ideas? I'm at eniedowski@washingtoncitypaper.com, or on Twitter.
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Linked From: October 16th, 2009Case of the Mornings: Daily Dose of the Internets « San Francisco, For the Win
10:09 am[...] dudes just can’t catch a break in the dating world, not even [...]
5:08 pm
Being gay is very depressing and stressful if you are black, but having to deal with white boys who look like Alex O’Loughlin reject you is overwhelming. I look forward to my death. I ask God, why did he create blacks to be ugly, with nappy hair, and Negroid features? Light skin black men who look almost white or Hispanic are seen as attractive by most white gay men. As a former student at Georgetown University here in Washington, D.C., I knew I was gay, because I was attracted to white male students or the white Puerto Rican/Hispanic students. Yes, the majority of Hispanics at Georgetown, Catholic, American, and George Washington Universities are white and come from mostly affluent families in their countries. White gay men can never compare their plight to that of black people, because being born of the Caucasian race in the United States give one privileges.
I am on the gay website Adam4Adam in Washington, D.C. You should read many of the white gay men comments; they are not into black men. The one’s who say they are into Hispanic men, when they met me, they say, you are black. Hispanic is not a race of people. Hispanics can be of any race. Depression is a difficult illness to deal with in this society cause by being gay and cannot come out or be accepted by family, Puerto Ricans/Hispanics, or blacks. Our culture is different than that of white gay males. White gay males can shut their families out if they don’t accept them and be accepted in the mostly white gay community. Non white gay men cannot get this type of support. I can assure you, if I had a white male like Alex O’Loughlin or a white Puerto Rican like Carlos Ponce, I would be the happiest black Hispanic man on earth. lol David, please review sites listed below of Carlos Ponce and Alex O’Loughlin.
http://www.carlosponce.com/
http://hubpages.com/hub/Alex-OLoughlin
2:37 am
I don't find Asian men or woman to be attracted. Both have flat asses. The Asian men have little dicks and the Asian women have little tits and no ass.
5:02 pm
Way to prove the point, dude.
5:36 pm
I'd be interested in learning how many white men respond to the Asian and Hispanic women; as an Indian (South Asian) woman, I notice disproportionate numbers of white men/non-white women couples in the (ultra) conservative town I live in. Further, it is very rare for my male relatives to date or marry white women, whereas the women in my family who were born/raised in the U.S. typically only date white men.
5:49 pm
Hey U.S. Citizen,
Better to have a little dick than BE a BIG DICK like you.
6:22 pm
Most men think Asian females are excellent. South Asian, East Asian, they all make great girlfriends. Asian chicks rule!
7:29 pm
Angry Al Gonzales, you are a homosexual man. When did you start liking women?
7:31 pm
I agree with U.S. Citizen. I don't find Asian women to be attractive. They are not built right. I am a white Argentinean. I prefer white or white Latina women.
8:25 pm
I am Asian(Chinese) male and I perfer to date whites, and guess what I am not small at all.
11:07 pm
Thanks to Feministing in pointing this site out.
Why should these results be a surprise? MOST people want to date someone of their own race. However, it seems like alot of men these days are totally turned off by American women, so they go for asians or latinas. Most white men will not date african american women online, or even message them back after looking at their profile. This is my experience with many of my friends, and watching some forums on plentyoffish, where men say exactly the same thing.
My girlfriend is latina, and she tells me these things she sees working at the restaurant where she works: White men are never with african americans, asian girls are only with white men, and noone wants to date the latinas. Heheh...lucky for me!!!
1:31 am
Thanks also to Feministing for pointing this out. I'm a white female, and a lot of my white male friends are only into Asian women (East Asian - mostly Japanese). I'm not sure if they think being with Asian women makes them more powerful because they're physically smaller (or for other cultural reasons) or just because they love the exotic - but I can tell you that it's excruciatingly frustrating. What's up with singling people out? I think all "races" are sexy!
8:37 am
I'm a white male and I find Asian women to be the most attractive of any group, particularly women from the Philippines. It is not because I'm "racist" or look down on non-Asian people in any way. I just find their physical attributes and culture to be attractive. Some men prefer blonds, some prefer brunettes, I prefer Asians. It's not racism, it's just a preference. I'm also tired of the stereotype that men "seek Asian women" because they're "submissive". That's not true anyway. My wife is Filipino and most of her female co-workers and parents at the day care center where she works are afraid of her.
10:24 am
Women don't like Asian men because your peenor is too small.
4:13 pm
So the asian man is lamenting the fact that the white women he likes won't date him? The women he likes because of their race won't date him because of his race. He's a victim of racism! How tragic. It brings to mind the wise words of Bill Kristol: "White women are a problem, that's, you know -- we all live with that."
11:10 pm
Why is it racist to have preferences? Is it "hairest" to prefer brunettes? Is it "eyist" to prefer blue eyes? Is it "tallist" to prefer tall people? We're not talking about saying hateful things (though some of these responders are), we're talking about PERSONAL PREFERENCES. We're allowed. Get over it. As for the Asian guy who prefers white women but they're racist because they don't choose him: Look in the mirror! You're a sexist. You're saying that as a man you are entitled to your preferences but woemn are not.
2:16 am
Also, thanks to feministing for pointing this out.
I think there's a certain amount of validity to the argument about preferences and physical attraction, yeah, but I think the point of the article in exhibiting OkCupid's studies (which I always find fascinating), is that an online site is NOT a reliable place to find/evaluate genuine sexual attraction or interpersonal chemistry... Therefore, it SHOULD, at least, in terms of initial messages and flirting, not have anything to do with basic appearance and body type. (Because, seriously, if you think that hot chick isn't wearing make-up or trusting out her chest in those photos, you're missing something on the concept of asthetic photo-cropping....) But what's really shocking about it simply that, it doesn't.
Online dating SHOULD offer a chance to get to know someone's personality, rather than their pure physical appearance that you can judge in less than 5 seconds... Because a five second glance at a photo, can only really tell you that a person is "darker skinned", you can't actually evaluate even tonalities of different colors of "blackness" (I apologize for such a crude word) or "asian-ness"... And definitely can't give you a good idea of who the person is-- for that, you have to at least instigate a few initial messages. Which means that these results indicate that people are reacting to purely racial assumptions, and not the people themselves.
Assumptions like: Asian men have small dicks. Asian women have no ass. Black women have big asses. White men are affluent. Etc. And I think that really is pretty telling.
2:37 pm
I think maybe the reason no one wants to date Mr. Pho is that he hates himself. Whining that people he wants to date don't want to date him can't be very attractive to potential dates. His attitude is that everything is beyond his control and he just can't win with white women, and I know I wouldn't want to date a person with that attitude, no matter what race he or I were; if I were white I would feel like he just had a fetish, if I were any other race, I would feel like he was asinine and shallow.
There are people from many different races that I am attracted to, and there are people from those same races that I am not. I'm sure Mr. Pho doesn't find all white women attractive, he most likely has a type, like willowy, tall brunette, and that's fine, but framing a type as a race issue IS racist.
I find the study fascinating, but I also wonder about the other factors that play into the responses. I'm a Chicana--third generation US born with Mexican ancestory--and there would probably be two big reasons I would not respond to people on a dating site, based on my own racial backround. 1)I don't always feel "Hispanic enough", I was raised in schools and communities without much Hispanic influence, and I don't know or understand many traditions or rituals, I also do not speak Spanish, so if a Hispanic man approached me talking about a shared backround, I might feel too lacking in common ground with him. 2)I often hear men(usually white or black men, occasionally Hispanic men) who have fetisized Hispanic women, who call me "mami", automatically assume I speak Spanish because of my name or display other prejudice traits. If a man did something similar via a dating service, I would write him off without hesitation. Maybe the women of all races who are not responding are not responding because of similar reasons, not simply because of racial factors.
7:24 am
What about mixed-race people like me?
12:51 pm
If you're cool, you get action no matter what you are. Not cool, no action. Simple as that.
& peenor, did you do some survey for your theory :) Anyway, some Asian guys started a porno-gangster films just to prove their "manliness". Whatever.
People are people. If you're cool, you'll get lots of action.
12:54 pm
"Why is it racist to have preferences? Is it “hairest” to prefer brunettes? Is it “eyist” to prefer blue eyes? Is it “tallist” to prefer tall people? We’re not talking about saying hateful things (though some of these responders are), we’re talking about PERSONAL PREFERENCES."
Preferences that are race based are RACIST PREFERENCES. Eventually folks with such racist preferences will end up like Justice of Peace Bardwell.
"We’re allowed. Get over it."
Agreed. However we are also allowed to have preferences..the preference to call you a racist. So you do according to your preference, and we will do according to ours. I will respect your Racist Preferences..please reciprocate and respect our preference to call you a racist!
12:59 pm
Thanks also to Feministing for pointing this out. I’m an Indian male, and a lot of my white female colleagues are only into white men (any white skin will do, even Lebanese moslems who look white and have nothing in common with white American women). I’m not sure if they think being with only white men (or someone with white skin color or Caucasian features) makes them more superior and make it easier for them to maintain white privilege- but I can tell you that it’s excruciatingly frustrating. What’s up with singling people out? I think all “races” are sexy!
1:22 pm
Culturally, for South-Asians (Indians, Pakis, Lankans, etc.), white people, and indians who have similiar physical characteristics, were always promoted as being a superior class of people. I was raised in MD and whenever my family and I went to the temple, we were always given preferential treatment because of our appearance. The "darker" indian girls were always into us, but we were never allowed to date them because our family looked down on them. My parents marriage was arranged and their parents before them. And it would be difficult to find a "dark" indian in our family. The British used this system to control their colonies when it was a colonial power. As a result, this idea of white superiority got embedded into our pysche. We had a air of superiority to us that quickly got deflated when we entered the real world. Because in this country, if you're not "genetically" white, you're fucked.
In College I was approached by white girls because of my exotic look, but I was never "attracted" to them in the same way that I was to my darker skinned country-women (think forbidden fruit). That's not to say I didn't have a blast sleeping with girls from different races. I slept with a lot of them, black girls, white girls, Japanese, mulatto, lebanese, mexican, italian, greek. It was great, but the best for me was a dark-skinned Indian girl. I miss her to this date. I'm set to marry a light-skin Indian girl from Kashmir because I'm not man enough to tell my parents I can't. If I could, I would say, forgot races, follow your heart or your um, you know...
9:51 pm
Wow. Seriously people.
who cares about race. its whats inside that matters. Im a white female & ive seen cute guys from ALL races. & more importantly, ive seen people with great personalities from ALL races!!!
stereotyping is a big problem. not just racism, but stereotyping. for example, some people think that all african-americans are gangsters, which isnt true. & even if they are 'gangster', it doesnt stop them from having strong loving hearts. or, i have overheard a group of african-americans saying once how they thought caucasian ppl were all jocks & preppy. its not true, trust me.
so, how about we all get over what we first see & get to actually know people before judging them? cuz long-lasting relationships are mostly loving each other for who they are inside, not outside (well that too, buy not nearly as much)
if you are feeling a lil bit of racism still:
read "bronx masquerade" by nikki grimes. AMAZING BOOK!!!!
6:43 am
So basically we asians have the hardest in dating...if people date theere own race..yet asian women going to white guys then..who's left for us..since white girls don't like asian guy cuz of small penisis.sorry mr.pho its hard to be asian cuz we not in the media...so we don't have much popularity...ya sucks to be us..
6:48 am
And btw I'm like the perfect guy too...I'm super funny..everyone loves to be around me..I have a great body..I drive a nice bmw..I'm super smart.cuz I've beem going to schhol forever...I work a good job for the state of ca..I can sing and play piano. I do volunteer work...and on top of that i ve done modeling..so I'm very handsome/.....yet...dese stupid girls never get to see that cuz I'm asian...can't bypass that...I guess we fuked...cuz dese whiteboys takin asian women now and white girls which I prefer too don't like us..
3:58 am
"sexyguy":
I am an Asian guy too. Korean-American.
You claim you're sexy, smart, educated, talented, employed, and so forth.
That's great and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but unfortunately you sound more like a semi-literate and whiny school boy in your posts, than a "perfect guy", which is what you call yourself.
So just going by simple logic it's clear that it's not your appearance, looks, talents, education, or job that's the problem. It's your total and utter mental castration by the hands of a society that is hell-bent on treating you, an American Citizen and a decent man, like a cockroach. All while accepting Asian women with open arms. We all know that old dance, don't we?
Which brings me to this point: I don't disagree with you that it's very hard to date, find love, or just fuck women, as an Asian-American man. America as a society takes visceral joy in pounding the punching bag - and while black men were that until the 1960s, white people have discovered that since they can't dump all their frustrations on the "negro" anymore, they're going to do it to the next best thing: immigrants. That means guys like us, and also Mexicans and other Latin American men.
I don't buy any of the hollow posturing about it being illegal and immoral to discriminate on the basis of race, but the personal prejudices of white Americans still linger - even those of the so-called "liberals" that love to date Asian women but reject Asian men. These people are some of the most unbelievably racist people I have ever met: and worse yet, they masquerade as "anti-racists" which is utter bullshit - so again, I'm with you bro. I speak from experience, as I have been to almost all 7 continents in the world (except Antarctica, which has no women anyway). I have been able to meet women fairly easily in Asia, Latin America, Europe (yep, even the blondes), Australia, Africa, and so forth.
So believe me when I say how sympathetic I am to your plight. I feel you.
But there's just something about the posts you just made that rubs me the wrong way. You're literally whining ("then who's left for us... boo hoo hoo"), and on top of that you can't seem to write (your writing is peppered with ellipses ("dot-dot-dots") - what's that about?). So without meaning to, you're showing us just WHY you're REALLY single.
A hint: it's not because you're Asian. It's because you whine too much (Every guy get's rejected a LOT - regardless of race!)and you don't have any balls to stand up and keep asking women out until someone says 'yes'.
4:02 am
sexyguy:
In the last sentence, I meant to say that the racism and hypocrisy in Americans is not the ONLY factor. Hope that clarifies things a little bit.
My point is that if you really ARE that great (with all the talents and accomplishments you mentioned above) - then the only thing that's holding you back is your lack of confidence.
Despite everything I've said about my fellow white Americans and the hypocritical posturing regarding race, there are actually a surprising number of them who would date Asian men and lustily fuck us in the sack. I know from experience - you just have to come at them the right way, and your way DEFINITELY isn't the right way, unfortunately.
4:07 am
Cotton Candiii:
Sorry babe. Until you put your money where your mouth is and actually date/sleep with/love an Asian-American man, your "Color doesn't matter!" speech is nothing more than the "colorblind" rhetoric vomited onto the American public by closet racists that masquerade as anti-racists.
Remember: if you would sleep with a black man, but not with an Asian or Mexican-American guy, that still makes you a racist. Jumping in the sack with a black man isn't a ticket out of 'racist hell', which is what some white folks seem to think. Just ridiculous.
Anyone can bump uglies with someone or even someTHING - that's just not deep at all.
So again: put your money where your mouth is. And I challenge all white women reading this to do the same.
8:06 pm
In my believe, ladies are ladies. If u have the right looks and personality and they find u attractive then its on. I myself is an Asian American and I've met a fair amount of different females from different races. Its not about size or anything. Its about how you would approach the ladies. And sexyfreak, quit it with the whinning and balls up. I agreed with those two who posted before me because they opinon seem to be more correctly than them other Asians.
12:52 am
I guess I just don't fit in the statistic... Because generally I find myself being more attracted to non-white males pretty much exclusivley. Especially if they are Asian. (East and South Asian). Not because I think there is anything inherently wrong with white guys. In fact I find many white guys extremely attractive or they're just really awesome guys. Physically though, I just find Asian men more attractive. And attraction is the intial step to forming a relationship (well at least at a young age like myself). I'm always deeply insulted when someone insinuates that I only like Asian men, because I am a self-hating white girl and hate white men. False. I am proud of my heritage, but being from a mixed background myself (Metis/Irish/Icelandic) I see nothing wrong with dating outside your racial or ethnic group. I have dated both asians and whites.
But I have seen, first-hand the attitude that this article says exists. When I was sitting with my "white friends", one of the girls commented on how she could never ever find a brown guy attractive and she thought they were gross. This comment cut me deep as I was dating a Sri Lankan guy at the time and I thought he was one of the most attractive (looks AND personality) guy I knew. Needless to say... I don't associate much with those "friends" anymore.
Not just my white friends, but my asian friends seem to have a particular loathing towards asian men, prefering white males. It baffles me.
Now not to end on a cliche note, but I don't like a guy JUST because he's Asian. His personality matters too. He could be a totally hot Asian guy, but if he's a total jerk, I don't want to date him, Asian or not. And I'm not saying "oh Asians have the better personalities." Because that is not true. Your race cannot define your personality, everyone is an individual. Being kind or intelligent or funny doesn't have anything to do with black/white/asian/hispanic/brown etc.
Currently single though, if only a nice, cute Asian guy would ask me out... I find Asian guys have the preconcieved notion that white women do not like them. Which I can't blame them for, but because of this they don't approach us white girls. And I am far too shy and old-fashioned to approach a guy myself. =(
To all the Asian guys out there!!! Stay Sexy. You'll find someone out there. Asian/White/Black or whatever you're looking for. =)
12:57 am
The key is to get out from behind the computer and meet people in person where they can actually get to know you, instead of classifying you with a bunch of check marks.
4:43 pm
As a Caucasian girl who gets hit on everywhere she goes (not trying to be all that, just true) I have to say that White men are overrated by Asian women. Some of my Asian girlfriends think I am nuts for loving Asian guys, while they are so hung up on Nabisco men with bank accounts, knowing I can get any man I want. The truth is, Asian guys know how to pay attention to a woman like no other man I've known (believe me I've known them all), and I am not talking about gifts and such--I am talking about romance and ehem-staying power. I've had marathons with Asian guys for as long as 12 hours--I mean all day long, into the night, and then a night cookie too before sleepy time. This is pretty typical of an Asian man. Granted, I am talking about pretty quality Asian guys, but still, I have never had even remotely as powerful sexual experiences with a non-Asian. I guess that's why there are so many of them--tee hee.
4:47 pm
Oh, and they make more money than any genetic race, statistically speaking, including Whites. So maybe I am a bit of a golddigger when it comes to my preference.
And that little stereotype. It actually applies more commonly to White men. I guess that is why they try to impose it on other guys so much, especially the ones they are most threatened by. With the brains, the money, the staying power, the good looks, (the list goes on) and all.
7:24 am
Maybe I'm mistaken but "sexyguy" sounds like a f*ckin' troll trying to pose as an Asian male but I digress...
Just as Blacks were once "invisible men" of American society, the elites of society have shifted their focus by placing targets on the backs of Asian men. That would explain why I never see an Asian male playing the lead role in a Hollywood romantic comedy simply because it poses a threat to the White male power structure as Madam Mystique mentioned. So to counter the threat, they will go out of their way to emasculate and burlesque Asian men while sleeping with as many Asian women to perpetuate the ill-conceived notion that White male = Alpha male. WRONG. Any Color Alpha Male = Alpha Male.
And for those who argue about the lack of marketability and profitability regarding Asian men, that argument is no longer valid due to globalization. The U.S. is not longer the hegemonic power it once was before. So its inevitable that women of all colors, especially White American women, will realize sexy Asian men do exist and aren't William Hung clones *Surprise Surprise*. Asian men are making their way into Hollywood from a blogpost I found a couple of days ago. http://masirjones.blogspot.com/2009/11/5-asian-men-changing-face-of.html
Furthermore, many Asian men such as Jake see through the bullshit institutional racism imposed upon us. They're not going to just sit back and take the abuse when there's a significant imbalance of White male/Asian female couples. Things are changing indeed.