Going to Parade? Bag It!
Yesterday, we took a look at the very reasonable bag-size requirements imposed by the Federal Security Apparatus (FSA) on those looking to catch a glimpse of the inaugural parade. The skinny: Any bags that you'd like to take past security checkpoints must be smaller than 8-by-6-by-4 inches. Now, whether that means that a bag that's 7.9-by-5.9-by-3.9 inches would be allowable is anyone's guess.
However, it does appear that the classic brown lunch bag (pictured above) may qualify for entrance into what will undoubtedly be the safest 14 blocks of real estate in the entire world, at least on Jan. 20.
Here's how the classic brown lunch bag measures up. You're looking at a specimen that's 9.5 inches tall, 5 inches wide, and 3 inches deep, for a total volume of 142.5 cubic inches. By comparison, the 8-by-6-by-4 jobber has a theoretical volume of 192 cubic inches. But remember: If you read the fine print, the bag you bring in must be smaller than the 8-6-4 version. Though you can never impute, attribute, or ascribe common sense or reason to the FSA, I am going to go out on a limb and advise readers that undercutting the federal standard by 50 cubic inches will qualify as "smaller" and get your bagged PBJ, pear, and granola bar past the authorities.
Then again, a word of caution: The classic brown lunch bag's height could pose a problem. The FSA, after all, has laid down a maximum size of 8-6-4, and one of the classic brown lunch bag's dimensions is 9.5, which could trigger an automatic rejection. Anything could happen out there.
Photograph by Darrow Montgomery
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12:47 pm
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but couldn't you just cut off an inch and a half from the top?
12:54 pm
Sure, but if you do that, you're losing 22.5 cubic inches of space. Have you ever used a classic lunch bag and remarked to yourself, "Man, I have too much bag here. This thing could take a haircut and I'd still be fine."
1:01 pm
As long as you don't fill the bag up all the way, you can fold the top over the way you normally do with a lunch bag and it should be shorter than 8 inches. I'd definitely assume security could take the strictest interpretation possible, meaning the bag has to be shorter in each dimension, not just smaller in overall volume. But they'll probably have come up with new, even more insane rules before Tuesday anyway.
1:01 pm
I haven't used a classic lunch bag in years. What am I, in 4th grade?
1:09 pm
Pretty soon, bulky outerwear will no longer be tolerated.
1:13 pm
Kevin, if you were in 4th grade you'd need a Knight Rider lunchbox or something, not a bag.
Darrow brings up a good point. Winter coats make it a lot easier for the suicide bombers to conceal their vests. Expect an announcement over the weekend that coats won't be allowed and people may wear a maximum of two layers, counting underwear, with no clothing over 1 mm thick.
1:33 pm
Erik Wemple measures his food both in terms of calorie content and cubic inches, so this is a man who knows exactly how much bag he needs.
1:43 pm
Why are all the bags being reviewed in this excellent series the grocery store variety? I'm going to need a bag of a much sturdier material for the stuff I'm planning to bring down there. Paper or plastic? Please. My digital camera is not a sandwich.
2:34 pm
Think pockets, people. Why carry any bag? Army fatigues, cargo trousers, fatigue shirts with four pockets, jacket with four outside, two inside, etc.
By the way, will my steel flask be permissible?
3:08 pm
sorry mr. gonzalez - army fatigues can double as terrorist garb and therefore will not be allowed in DC, MAryland or Virginia until - well never again.