***Final Words From the Best Political Team at Washingtoncitypaper.com***
The Questions: When will the election be called? What will be the most intense and dramatic reactions to the results? What will Sarah Palin be up to in ten years?
Wolf Blitzer will call the election for Obama at 11 p.m. In the following days, a bunch of hill people—like not Capitol Hill people, or Heidi and Lauren from "The Hills," but actual people living in rural hill regions will get together and push over a tractor. It's hard to know where this will occur. Possibly Appalachia. Possibly the Ozarks. I believe the Ozarks. As for Sarah Palin, in ten years, she'll have five more kids, and in 20 years, Bristol Palin will be running for a state senate seat in Alaska. She'll only have one child, having been scared straight by having her mother be Sarah Palin.
The election will be called for Obama at 12:15 a.m. The frothiest-mouthed reactions will occur in the real Virginia, while those in fake Virginia will respond in a typically fey way. They will drink wine coolers in more moderation than the real Virginians will drink real alcohol. Within the next ten years, Sarah Palin will run for president, and then either remain a successful executive in Alaska or go into academia—her field being taxidermy, of course.
The election will be called for Obama at 9:30—he'll take the entire east coast. Yes, South Carolina included. In Phoenix, there will be blood on the streets. There will be little discussion about the results from Republicans, who will just start looking way, way in advance to 2010, when they can begin plotting the next election.
The election will be called for Obama at 10 p.m. All the swing states will go for Obama. Nothing dramatic will happen. I talked to people today, and they were really sort of cautious. In ten years, Sarah Palin will be doing nothing. She will be home in Wasilla. You will never hear from her again, except when she has her own talk show and it plummets in the ratings. She'll be like the next Huckabee—only not funny. I heart Huckabee.
I've already called it, at 7a.m. this morning when I walked into the building. Actually, I called it at 2:30 p.m. My sandwich artist at Harris Teeter asked me if I'd voted, and she said she was going later as soon as she got off work and picked up her kids. I told her it would be a "blow-out" for Obama. She gave me a knowing look. And I gave her a knowing look back. After the election, I personally will be flipping over cars. But, I do that every night.