Why I Will Not Be Working at White Oak Technologies Inc.
Recently, I found myself in the subterranean pedestrian passages of Crystal City, a place I don’t wander too often. There, you will find dozens of advertisements for tech firms and government contractors, including these:
The ads, for an outfit called White Oak Technologies Inc., seem to be intended to recruit software engineers. They depict a fellow whose name seems to be Jeremiah, who likes to dress up in traditional ninja garb and play alone in the woods with his sword. White Oak Technologies seems to think this will convince software engineers to work for them based on the following logic:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, THUS
(b) Jeremiah must be a interesting dude, THUS
(c) Jeremiah must have an interesting job, AND
(d) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(e) All jobs at White Oak Technologies Inc., must be interesting, THUS
(f) You should work at White Oak Technologies Inc.
For some reason, that’s not what I get from this. (NB: I am not a software engineer.) Rather, I submit the follow logic:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, AND
(b) Crazy weekend ninjaism results from an unfulfilling work life, THUS
(c) Jeremiah has an unfulfilling work life, AND
(d) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(e) All jobs at White Oak Technologies Inc., must be unfulfilling, THUS
(f) You should not work at White Oak Technologies Inc.
Or another possibility:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, AND
(b) Crazy weekend ninjas own swords, THUS
(c) Jeremiah owns a sword, AND
(d) People who own swords are liable to bring them into work, AND
(e) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(f) Jeremiah is liable to bring his sword into White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(g) You should not work White Oak Technologies Inc.
And then there’s this:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, AND
(b) Many nerds love ninjas, AND
(c) Many software engineers are nerds, THUS
(d) Many software engineers love ninjas, THUS
(e) Many software engineers will love Jeremiah, AND
(d) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(f) You should work at White Oak Technologies Inc.
10 Responses to “Why I Will Not Be Working at White Oak Technologies Inc.”
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August 8th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Crazy weekend ninjaism sounds like a possible side effect to one of those drugs that gets advertised on TV during sporting events.
“Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, dry mouth and crazy weekend ninjaism. If crazy weekend ninjaism persists for more than four hours, contact your doctor immediately. Samurixifil is not for everyone. Check with your doctor to see if Samurixifl is right for you.”
And fade out on a shot of a man and a woman in a wheat field sitting in two separate bathtubs.
August 8th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
dude. i had to walk through that tunnel from the metro to over by the chipotle every day. that shit drove me nuts. almost wanted to start playing ninja by myself in the woods.
August 11th, 2008 at 9:22 am
That poster really might as well say “Girls Need Not Apply”
August 11th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
If Jeremiah were a real ninja, they would have not been able to photograph him.
August 11th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I guess someone had to say this, but not really so ninja. More just Japanese swordmanship. Seems like a pretty standard “samurai sword” that Jeremiah is playing with.
August 11th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Dan, you obviously qualify to work at White Oak Technologies.
This entire post was a ruse, one intended to find the finest of the fine.
Your comment has revealed the depth of your understanding.
<<>>>
August 11th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I was trying to put SOUND OF GONG at the end of my post, but the City Paper’s site code thought I was inserting some kind of HTML tag.
I am not qualified to work at White Oak Technologies.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I don’t know, that guy looks like he’s going to suffer from a self inflicted wound more than anything else.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
I saw this poster on the Metro’s Orange Line, took one look at this dude “Jeremiah” and thought to myself:
He–eeeeey….isn’t that the same dude who demonstrated care for his samurai sword 25 years ago in my college public speaking class for his presentation project???
I may have met this dude. His face looks strikingly similar to the person who made that presentation in college all those years ago…unfortunately I don’t remember if his name was “Jeremiah” or not!
September 4th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
So Jeremiah is a samurai LARPer?