Why I Will Not Be Working at White Oak Technologies Inc.
Recently, I found myself in the subterranean pedestrian passages of Crystal City, a place I don’t wander too often. There, you will find dozens of advertisements for tech firms and government contractors, including these:
The ads, for an outfit called White Oak Technologies Inc., seem to be intended to recruit software engineers. They depict a fellow whose name seems to be Jeremiah, who likes to dress up in traditional ninja garb and play alone in the woods with his sword. White Oak Technologies seems to think this will convince software engineers to work for them based on the following logic:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, THUS
(b) Jeremiah must be a interesting dude, THUS
(c) Jeremiah must have an interesting job, AND
(d) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(e) All jobs at White Oak Technologies Inc., must be interesting, THUS
(f) You should work at White Oak Technologies Inc.
For some reason, that’s not what I get from this. (NB: I am not a software engineer.) Rather, I submit the follow logic:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, AND
(b) Crazy weekend ninjaism results from an unfulfilling work life, THUS
(c) Jeremiah has an unfulfilling work life, AND
(d) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(e) All jobs at White Oak Technologies Inc., must be unfulfilling, THUS
(f) You should not work at White Oak Technologies Inc.
Or another possibility:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, AND
(b) Crazy weekend ninjas own swords, THUS
(c) Jeremiah owns a sword, AND
(d) People who own swords are liable to bring them into work, AND
(e) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(f) Jeremiah is liable to bring his sword into White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(g) You should not work White Oak Technologies Inc.
And then there’s this:
(a) Jeremiah is a crazy weekend ninja, AND
(b) Many nerds love ninjas, AND
(c) Many software engineers are nerds, THUS
(d) Many software engineers love ninjas, THUS
(e) Many software engineers will love Jeremiah, AND
(d) Jeremiah works at White Oak Technologies Inc., THUS
(f) You should work at White Oak Technologies Inc.
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3:27 pm
Crazy weekend ninjaism sounds like a possible side effect to one of those drugs that gets advertised on TV during sporting events.
“Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, dry mouth and crazy weekend ninjaism. If crazy weekend ninjaism persists for more than four hours, contact your doctor immediately. Samurixifil is not for everyone. Check with your doctor to see if Samurixifl is right for you.”
And fade out on a shot of a man and a woman in a wheat field sitting in two separate bathtubs.
4:54 pm
dude. i had to walk through that tunnel from the metro to over by the chipotle every day. that shit drove me nuts. almost wanted to start playing ninja by myself in the woods.
9:22 am
That poster really might as well say “Girls Need Not Apply”
4:29 pm
If Jeremiah were a real ninja, they would have not been able to photograph him.
5:34 pm
I guess someone had to say this, but not really so ninja. More just Japanese swordmanship. Seems like a pretty standard “samurai sword” that Jeremiah is playing with.
6:23 pm
Dan, you obviously qualify to work at White Oak Technologies.
This entire post was a ruse, one intended to find the finest of the fine.
Your comment has revealed the depth of your understanding.
<<>>>
6:25 pm
I was trying to put SOUND OF GONG at the end of my post, but the City Paper’s site code thought I was inserting some kind of HTML tag.
I am not qualified to work at White Oak Technologies.
12:12 pm
I don’t know, that guy looks like he’s going to suffer from a self inflicted wound more than anything else.
10:18 pm
I saw this poster on the Metro’s Orange Line, took one look at this dude “Jeremiah” and thought to myself:
He–eeeeey….isn’t that the same dude who demonstrated care for his samurai sword 25 years ago in my college public speaking class for his presentation project???
I may have met this dude. His face looks strikingly similar to the person who made that presentation in college all those years ago…unfortunately I don’t remember if his name was “Jeremiah” or not!
4:16 pm
So Jeremiah is a samurai LARPer?
12:02 pm
I just saw this poster yesterday for the first time and thought, “This guy is Dwight Schrute but, you know, for real.”
2:38 pm
My daughter works for them. She says “Jeremiah” is really a nice guy.
7:07 am
I work for this company. Jeremiah is an employee there and yes thats one of his hobbies. Having been in the programming field for over 20 years, I can say this is a great company to work for. There was also another ad of a guy skydiving, remember that one? That too was another employee and that was his hobby.
If I had a crazy hobby, I would have gotten myself in on this deal, but alas, I’m not that crazy.
11:36 am
I am not a programmer, so when I first saw this ad, I thought he was battling Pythons in the woods, looking for the Oracle and being hunted by Linux.
3:16 pm
“Imagine what he does at work!”
Ok.
I imagine him browsing World of Warcraft and LARP websites. Doubtful this is the message they were aiming at. Likely they were aiming at showing the skill and discipline needed to achieve a high level of martial arts. (Aikido perhaps? at the very least Kenjutsu)
None of which is portrayed in this ad.
5:38 pm
Made me want to work there. He’s not dressed up in “ninja garb”, but rather samurai garb, and looks like he’s practicing Iaido. I also practice Iadio, (and have a very fulfilling life, thank you) and think “Jeremiah” looks like he’s probably pretty awesome dude.
All seriousness aside though, this is amusing as a tongue-in-cheek post.
3:27 pm
I used to work with Jeremiah at 24/7 Media … really! Nothing special about this guy. Was kinda a geek and didn’t talk much.