Things I Learned From Seeing Indiana Jones
I caught Indiana Jones and Close Encounters With the Crystal Skull (or whatever it's called) on Sunday night at the Uptown. A lot of other people had that idea too. Here's what I learned:
* No matter how old you are, you never stop being a nerd.
* When the Lucas Film logo came on the screen, I thought everyone in the audience would start clapping. I heard people clapped in Baltimore. We didn't clap. Baltimore must have forgotten about the last three Star Wars movies. We have not.
* Because it has been many, many years since the last Indiana Jones flick, his famous fedora hat must now be first shot as if it's Grace Kelly's face.
* People will clap after Indy(!) and his obvious-yet-still-secret son romp through Yale on motorcycle nearly plowing into nerds(!), jocks(!), and preppies(!).
* People will not clap when an alien is revealed. People will also not clap after seeing its flying saucer.
* I wonder why all aliens in movies always look the same: human-like features with just bigger heads and giant eyes.
* The crystal skull looks like something you would buy at Sharper Image or Spencer's.
* At some points, I thought the movie should have come with a controller so you could play along as Indy(!) and Co. battled their way through the jungle and water courses.
* Indy(!) and Co. had to survive not one but three waterfalls. Cool. But watching them plummet to the misty bottom not once but three times still reminded me of Land of the Lost.
* If people are going to clap at the end of a movie, I'm gonna clap too.
11:17 am
There was no clapping of any kind in Texas, where two people in my row fell asleep. (I was one of them.)
11:43 am
You also learned that if you live in DC (or any other major US city that could be a target) then you better invest in a lead-lined refrigerator!
11:45 am
I learned how much I hate Lucas. He has now ruined Indiana Jones, just just like he ruined Star Wars. His goal seems to be to destroy all my childhood icons. The new Indy movie was a watered down overly nostalgic piece of baby boomer crap. The first 1/3 feels like a Indiana Jones movie, but then it jumps the rail and descends into post x-files cliches. Worst of all the film has been neutered by Spielberg. People shoot guns, but they don't hit anyone, people get shot, but its always off camera. The movie was made for boomers and children, anyone else would be insulted by it. It felt like a Stephen Sommers Mummy Movie, except with A list stars. George Lucas is amazing, he can ruin everything.
2:30 pm
When A = Monkeys, and:
B = Swinging through the jungle canopy like the big-eyed, frolicksome jackanapes they are, then:
A + B = Awesome.
However:
When C = Shia the Beef, and D = REALLY SHITTY CGI, then
A + B + C + D =
A SciFi Original Movie.
2:50 pm
Clowned by George Lucas. Again!