The Seven Corners Home Depot Sucks My Dick
Dear Home Depot:
I am loath to use the expression “Suck my dick.” I believe the expression is anti-feminist and anti-sex. I am pro-feminism, and pro-sex. However, there is no better way to say it: the Seven Corners, Virginia Home Depot sucks my dick.
Like many Americans who helped you post over $90 billion in net sales last quarter, I followed the once less-than-totally absurd advice that “one cannot lose money in real estate” and purchased a home. While renovating, I purchased a Hampton Bay Brushed Nickel 5-Blade Sidewinder Fan from your company in January 2008. This fan arrived with a broken light fixture (see above). I visited the Seven Corners Home Depot yesterday to address this problem. After 15 minutes with three different orange-aproned customer service representatives, I was referred to a fourth representative who, allegedly, could help me. After 15 minutes of contemplation, this fourth representative wondered whether my problem could be solved at all and referred me to a manager. Fifteen minutes later, the manager had the representative call Home Depot Direct. Though he was unable to explain my problem to Home Depot Direct, he did put me on the phone with them before walking away. I explained the problem to the operator at Home Depot Direct, who put me on hold for 15 minutes. Thus, I found myself in an unusual situation: I stood in Home Depot, abandoned by one customer service representative, and yet was on the phone with Home Depot, on hold with another.
After 15 minutes on hold, I learned that my replacement part could be secured at your Alexandria location, a mere hour-and-a-half from the District in rush-hour traffic. Fifteen minutes later, a manager informed me that, after all, the part might not be available, but that I could call him to follow-up, though he might not be available. On my way out 15 minutes after that—after almost two hours at Home Depot—I tried to purchase a power strip. This item, which cost less than $5, was not marked with a SKU number, and I waited 10 minutes for a price-check.
I write not to condemn the staff of Seven Corners Home Depot. Though they failed to help me, I believe that, in their way, they tried. Rather, I write to address the general malaise of the Home Depot Corporation. Your company, along with subprime mortgage lenders and design-oriented cable channels, has profited from the absurd market conditions that fueled our nation’s housing crisis. Though you have now fallen on hard times, we—your loyal, equity-hemorrhaging customers—are still here! Must we also hemorrhage time playing the now-inordinately unprofitable game of home renovation?
I am the freelance writer of singular prose that is definitely not journalism and not quite observational humour. My craft commands little recompense on the open market and, unlike developers and real estate agents between 2000 and 2005, I do not pay much of an opportunity cost whiling my time away in a Home Depot. I admit that my time is worth little. The corporate publisher of an unnamed free weekly implies as much by its persistent refusal to pay me $700 I am owed for work completed in 2007. However, if forced to while away time, I prefer a dentist appointment or the dog-eat-dog environment of a $10-$20 Texas Hold ‘Em game to your customer service desk.
In closing, I will express gratitude that Seven Corners Home Depot does, at least, “suck my dick” and, if I may speak for them, the dicks of the many homeowners that patronize it. Dick-sucking implies pleasure. Those of us who jumped into the real estate market in the past year are more accustomed to “getting fucked.”
Sincerely,
Justin Moyer
President/CEO of the WeBlog Iceland
20 Responses to “The Seven Corners Home Depot Sucks My Dick”
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March 7th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I would’ve gone with a modal, auxiliary verb: “Home Depot *can* suck my dick.” That is, you are permitting THEM the pleasure of sucking your dick — but the right of refusal remains with you. The implication of conditional permission would have added an extra layer of authority to your rhetorical situation: “I want you to suffer the indignity of sucking my dick, but I may choose to rescind the offer, particularly if I cannot bear the annoyance of having you in my presence any longer.”
March 7th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I wouldn’t trust them to suck anything!
March 7th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Oh yeah, I am with you here. The Home Depot in Merrifield is slightly better, but only slightly. Home Depot’s service, in general, makes Best Buy look like a 5-star restaurant.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
when you said this arrived at your house that means that you had it special ordered-if their is something wrong with it it comes with RETURN instructions you complete moron-but no- you had to go into a store and abuse the employee’s within the store-and I’m sure you were the millionth abusive spoiled-yes I said abusive customer-that that employee had to deal with-next time read the instructions instead of acting like a complete jackass-we have become a country of self entitled assholes! you should go into that store and apoligize
March 8th, 2008 at 1:09 am
How does a freelance writer afford a home?
March 8th, 2008 at 2:58 am
Regardless of how the fan was purchased any store at any location should have been able to handle the problem. Now we know another reason for shopping at Costco. Their return policy is an example to all.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Did you purchase your fan as a special order? That would explain why they did not have a replacement part. If it was also shipped to you, it is unfortunate that it arrived broken but not HD’s fault. 4 people tried to help you? You got attention. As for the item without a price sku. Next time be responsible and look for an item with a tag. That has happened to everyone once so know I am smart enough to look for a tag before I go to the register. All items are tagged unless some bonehead customer pulls it off. The employees don’t stand around all day pulling tags to piss off customers. Sincerely, REALITY DAN
March 8th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Several people in that store tried to help Justin even though he special ordered the product and tossed out his return instructions that come with every fuckin order you put through the net- so he expected the people to figure out how to undo his idiocy-to return his product even though it it can’t be processed through any register because it is a special order through the net-it doesn’t exist in a store just on line- thats why it comes with return intructions you absurd moron- so Justin Moyer decides that people should just figure out how to undo HIS mistake-and they tried-but no-Justin had to blame the store for his mistake-I guess Justin is just one of those special people that the world needs to cater to-Just one of those people who doesn’t need to figure things out for themselves-you know what they say Justin- ignorance is bliss-so you must be pretty fuckin happy
March 8th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
I have been successfully boycotting Home Depot for over one year now. My wife has been instructed not to spend one cent there. The funny thing is that I discovered all these other small companies who actually take their time to help. There is a sence connection to my community because I am supporting the small business owners. Oh, I make it a point to stop and use Home Depot restrooms if I need to go. I figure that is a small compensation for their abuse. You don’t have to spend your money where you are not appreciated.
March 9th, 2008 at 3:38 am
You have never been abused in a Home Depot until you have worn the Orange Apron and had to face moronic idiots for whom a manufacturers warranty is not good enough, who can threaten attorneys and television reporters when manufacturers and trucking companies delay an order, who stand in a store literally screaming for help when the available workers are with other customers. You have not had a bad day until some asshole calls you on the phone screaming about some inane piece of hardware sold from a different department, maybe even a different store… maybe years ago… you have ANY idea of what he is even talking about. You have not lived until some moron sends his wife to store with a bag full of faucet parts, but no manufacturers name or description of the product. He is home drinking a beer, she is left with a bag of crap and not enough information for the guy in the store to determine what is required. You have not lived until the expert customer demands the highest quality for the lowest price and yells and screams because his demands for low prices do not allow for a well-seasoned, well-paid work force on a ratio of 2:1. Get a life. I refer all customers like you to Lowes.
March 9th, 2008 at 7:55 am
You want Justin to “read” the instructions on what to do if he receives a damaged product from Depot Direct? That would take all the point of his rant away from him. For fun he should buy something at the store and try returing it to Depot Direct. And of course I buy something in January and they then wait 8 weeks! I’m sick and tired of people complaining about “big business” He could have gone to a local lighting store and spent $500 for his fan, but… he wanted the purchasing power (i.e. of a big corp.) You can’t have it both ways! Personal responsability? No just blame someone else for his lack of common sense. And I always go to a register with a product with no label, just to yell at people!
March 9th, 2008 at 9:12 am
I work for the Depot in the San Francisco bay area. I agree that over the past few years the company has gone thru a downward spiral- those were the Nardelli years. Though his leadership is NOT missed, the people who run the Company still inculcate to us (lower management) that he ran his P&L immaculately and though his ‘leadership’ the Company grew by leaps and bounds, but I challenge anybody who is so autocratic to see that perfect numbers don’t mean a fuckin thing to a customer who needs to fix a faucet or replace a window or buy a decent reliable drill.
I totally agree that when I transferred to this area from out of state I was apaulled by the apathy and lack of interest in customer service-especially in the younger crew members.
The lack of Management to be exemplary when it comes to cultivating a positive work culture-and all the time placing all that responsibility to their subordinates and showing no ownership to the negative environment.
We are asked to show leadership thru threats and instilling fear in our subordinates, but the word RESPECT is never used. How can we repect our customers when we never even mention the word?
The training is impersonal and horrible. The only redeeming factors are some of the long timers that operate as sovern “free agents’. But even some of those tend to be pork-barreled by management.
March 9th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
The irony, as someone else pointed out, is that you complain about inattentive home depot employees and yet 5 different employees heeded your call for help.
And a $5 item from a store as large as Home Depot doesn’t have a price sticker and you get upset for waiting 10 minutes for a price check? Cmon bro.
Some personal advice…anytime I’ve felt anger towards waiting for something or something gets fucked up like your return, it’s more likely that your state of mind is affecting your mood more so than the people around you trying to solve your problem.
March 9th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Hey Justin did you find your paacking slip yet-you know the one with the pre-paid postage to return the item- our are you going to go back to that store to ask the employees to find it for you
March 9th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
To all commenters: thanks for spirited comments. Though I must still conclude that Seven Corners Home Depot sucks my dick, I wanted to offer a few points of clarification.
FYI #1: I do not abuse Home Depot employees. I do not raise my voice or swear at people in orange aprons. After two hours, in a moment of weakness, I might sigh.
FYI #2: I admit that I came to Home Depot without a physical packing slip. I did have receipt stored on my laptop, which I did bring. A representative said that he didn’t need my receipt when I offered to pull it up on my laptop for him. In addition, I found a my fan in a catalog at the store and, for further clarification, brought a picture of my broken fan. I pointed to the picture in the catalogue and said: “I have the fan in this picture. But my fan looks like this [hold up digital camera with photo of broken fan]]. I want to make my fan [point to camera] look like this fan [point to catalog].”
Further responses:
“if their is something wrong with it it comes with RETURN instructions you complete moron”
I followed return instructions and was told to go to a Home Depot and request a replacement part. I was even furnished a replacement part number and provided it to Home Depot employees. Also, your use of the possessive “their” is incorrect. You meant to type “there.” Grammatical errors ruin even the soundest argument.
“And a $5 item from a store as large as Home Depot doesn’t have a price sticker and you get upset for waiting 10 minutes for a price check?”
Yes. Two minutes, no. Ten minutes? Yes.
“How can we repect our customers when we never even mention the word? The training is impersonal and horrible.”
Thanks—your comment gets to the heart of my argument, which was less about the staff of a particular Home Depot than the absurd real estate market and home improvement culture that turned Home Depots into a ritual site where oft-unrealistic design dreams are made and broken. It does not surprise me that this business’s corporate culture is sub-par.
“4 people tried to help you? You got attention.”
Yes—from 4 people who could not help me. Thanks for that attention!
“even though it it can’t be processed through any register because it is a special order through the net-it doesn’t exist in a store just on line- thats why it comes with return intructions you absurd moron”
Your comment gets to the heart of the difference between Home Depot (brick and mortar) and Home Depot Direct (online). This difference is in no way transparent to the average Home Depot customer. Again, I contacted Home Depot Direct, which referred me to a physical Home Depot. Also, I’m not sure if the adjective “absurd” appropriately modifies “moron.” Someone can be a “complete moron,” or a “total moron,” but an “absurd moron?”
“How does a freelance writer afford a home”
Vast inherited wealth.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:11 am
So what you’re really saying, Justin, is that several of these commentators can suck your dick.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Hilarious. Joe W wins for wit.
March 13th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Justin- yes I did type their instead of there, however, I must admit it was very late when I had made that comment. Do you have spell check? ” how can we repect our customers”-you know spelling mistakes ruin the soundest arguments. You tried to make yourself sound so smart.”I’m not sure the adjective absurd properly modifies moron” Next time use spell check Justin when you try to get cute. Oh god - your one of those winey guys whose girlfriend doesn’t actualy think you are a real man- don’t ask her she won’t tell you the truth-sorry to give you the bad knews-the truth does sting a little.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Fuck you mother fuckers. Home Depot rocks the house. I work there dude. I am a good hardware man. I can handel like 4 people at one time. I get lots of people tell the desk that I do good. My customers like me. You pussies cant find your ass with both hands and a map, yet you ask me where the fucking hammers are? Fuck off! Gimmie a break, we rock all hardwear stores.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
After reading the previous posts, my thoughts and feelings towards Home Depot have been reinforced. Those of us who are general contractors, and those homeowners who actually know how to do DIY projects, etc. are being shortchanged by Home Depot’s catering to the arrogant yuppie types who have no business whatsoever in ANY home improvement store. You know who they are, and the list of idiotic and selfish things they do is almost endless. They do things like send their wive’s to the store with a bag of parts. They try to return items for any number of frivilous reasons; sometimes without a receipt. They break things out of sheer stupidity, and then return the damaged goods; expecting a full refund. Or the idiots who get raped on price for a paint based on a name like Eddie Bauer. Or the polo shirted assclown who’s never hammered a nail in his life deciding to buy an air nailer and then complaining that it doesn’t work even though it’s because he doesn’t know how to use it. And so on and so on…
Home Depot needs to stop trying to be everything to everyone. They need to stop catering to selfish idiots with far more money than brains. If you’re an arrogant polo shirted Hummer driving assclown (or his equally arrogant spouse) you need to call a professional when you need something done. Contrary to Home Depot’s “you can do it we can help” banter, you CAN’T do it, and their morally worn down employees are tired of dealing with your ungrateful, condescending bullshit. That’s the reality; deal with it. Give Home Depot back to the contractors and the homeowners who actually know WTF they’re doing.