City Desk

City Paper Staff Violently Divided Over New Coffee Machine

Well, the timing's not great. We can all agree, I'm sure, that the week we cut five staffers isn't ideal for rolling out the coffeemaker from the future. Here's our old one—a sturdy Bunn that made coffee studiously avoided by pretty much everyone in editorial but Cherkis, who swears by the stuff. I admire its utilitarian charm, but I'm pretty sure there's a formaldehyde tank in there somewhere.


This morning a new machine appeared in the upstairs kitchen. It looks like a Cylon warrior.


Yes, it's a Keurig! As in, the sound your newsroom makes when it's been ripped apart. KEURRRRRIGG!!!!! But then again, Cylon warriors and onomatopoeia don't offer all the beverage selections this baby does.


You put one of these capsules in the Keurig's hopper, select how many ounces you'd like brewed, and then WHAM! You have a cup of whatever. So far I've tried the green tea (tasted kinda fishy) and a Newman's Own Decaf (which was just fine). If I added Skype videophoning to my life, I'd almost be living the futuristic existence I dreamed of as a child, when I assumed we'd be vacationing on Mars and shooting off to the moon for lunch.

Staff opinion, on the editorial floor anyway, leans toward the negative, especially since, as noted above, we just got our guts ripped out. Our general manager, David Knauss, says the machine is going to be less expensive than the old one. William Philpot IV, our estimable operations assistant, tells me the old machine is staying for now and the new machine is here on a three-day trial. The old coffee, he says, came in bags that started tasting funny after a few days.

Jim Gumm, our information technology director and a frequent user of the Bunn, says there was in fact a 15-minute window of good coffee on the old machine, and that theoretically, the new single-serving machine should be better. But what about the coffee, Jim? He says he'd had one cup. "It was OK," he says. "It seemed tolerable."

Which is all any of us are hoping for right around now.


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  • Matthew Borlik

    You will notice, however, that there is still no goddamned artificial sweetener available.

  • scott

    How great that an authority on the coffee maker is named Philpot.

  • Jason

    i've had the 8oz hot cocoa (flat but insanely hot) the green tea (bitter tree bark, but i bet my girlfriend would like it) and the 10oz hot cocoa (this time with a good dose of coffee creamer and quite hot) i'm not a coffee drinker so i basically can only compare the hot water between the old stained stainless bunn and the the new jetson's magic coffee making box. since the new machine is pulling from pure bottled water and the old one pulling from the tap i'll have to give water quality points to the johnny future.

  • Joe Warminsky

    The point of Keurig coffee is "inoffensive caffeine delivery system." Avoid the flavored ones.

    The Sumatra blend is a good compromise between "awesome boutique coffee" and "No-Doz downed with a glass of tap water."

    The French Roast will just leave you kinda pissed off, because it tries to operate above its station in life. You'll be all like, "Quit actin' all hard, Mr. Keurig French Roast."

  • Arthur Delaney

    The key to enjoying Keuric coffee is finding your flavor.
    Good flavors:
    Rainforest Nut
    Our Blend

    Bad flavors:
    French Vanilla
    Swiss Chocolate Almond

  • Arthur Delaney

    Oops, Keurig with a G.

    By good flavors, I mean they're acceptable. The bad flavors will make you vomit.

  • Mike DeBonis AA Partner

    It looks like a preparation table and device of choice by an undertaker!

  • Nikki

    The only thing that BUNN has that Keurig is lacking is a tap for "melt the skin off your hand" hot water for brewing the 13,432 tea bags we have in the cabinets. Oh and don't forget to remove your "K Cup" from the machine when your done using it.

  • Karen

    Hot water is accessible through a hot water button. Not as obvious as a “tap,” and they say it’s a completely line so your tea or noodles won’t taste like coffee.

  • Klarc Snowden

    Stumbled onto this blog randomly out of a Google search... funny, funny sh!t. I am not a fan of the Keurig system, which brews an average to not so good cuppa joe and uses more landfill than a family with ten kids on Christmas day.

    Try pods... same variety, better brew, without the eco-terrorism. Cheers!