City Desk

An Open Letter to My Subway Sandwich Artist


Dear Subway Sandwich Artist,

This will be the last letter I write to you.

I appreciate so much of what you have done for me. I appreciate that you facilitate my Eating Fresh. I appreciate your array of fresh-baked breads, and the variety of meat, cheese, and vegetable options you provide to place within them. I am neutral on the fact that you always inquire as to whether I would like to make my sandwich into a combo.

In better times, Subway Sandwich Artist, I would visit you up to twice a week. I would order a 6-inch turkey and swiss on wheat, with tomatoes, pickles, honey-mustard—but you know all this. You may have noticed, however, that as of late, the space between our meetings has grown long. Perhaps you’re wondering why I don’t come around much anymore. I’m sorry I never took the time to talk to you about this in person, but I think I can best express myself through this blog entry.

Subway Sandwich Artist, why are you so creepy?

Why do you see each step of our sandwich creation process as an opportunity to make borderline inappropriate comments accompanied by piercing eye contact? Why do you insist upon searching through the tray of tomatoes to find the “real good tomatoes”—“just for me”? Why do you always ask, as my sandwich approaches completion, if I’d like mayonnaise, knowing full well that I do not? Why do you stroke my hand ever-so-slightly when you hand me my change? Is it but a game to you?

Subway Sandwich Artist, why do you look at me in that special way when you ask if I want a 6-inch or a foot-long?


Amanda Hess

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  • Enemy of the District


    It is because they are hoping that you pick their foot long tube steak; you silly girl!

  • Adams Morgan

    Aren't you the same person who has complained in the past about men heckling you on the street? Methinks you think awfully highly of yourself and perhaps for your own safety should just stay home and order in.

  • Sarah

    if you are talking about the subway on 18th street, i totally empathize...especially with the grazing of the hand when giving change.

  • PublicDefender

    Jon Lovitz is just doing his job, cut the guy some slack.

  • Kim Gooden

    The hand graze is bad. Once, my credit card wasn't swiping correctly. His solution was to rub it all over his stomach. His shirt was sweat-soaked. It was gross.

  • Mi-ann

    If you were half as good looking as you think you wouldn't have to pay sweetie.

  • Guess

    No doubt, he surely likes to stare down women and make seemingly suggestive comments that are coupled with the "stare".

    To be fair though to Mr. Subway he does this to men as well. I think he does actually have fun doing these things. And asking you if you want the mayo...well he does know that you don' is a joke. He used to ask me if I wanted the dressing on the sandwich, knowing full well I did not.

    If this is the same person, he is pretty harmless. If you were stuck in the shitty Subway all day, you would probably act a little batty too. And for the record, he is actually a pretty decent guy who is married. Perhaps you would know this if you tried to talk to him instead of making him your sandwich artist.

  • Mike DeBonis

    Guess: I really love that line of argument. Clearly Amanda must be some kind of hard-hearted class enemy yuppie scum cause she won't "get to know" the guy who makes her Subway sandwiches. You ever think maybe she might try talking to the guy if he wasn't such a fucking creep?

    Listen: I've seen the guy in action many times, with women and men, and I'm usually perfectly happy to chat up folks, but, you know what?, I just don't want to.

  • GuessDefender


    Do us all a favor who work in food service, get a new card so we dont have to rub it all over our sweat soaked shirts.

    PS. We apologize for sweating.

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  • erik’s old roommate

    Of course he hit on her. All artists are pigs.

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