Gun Finger
Standing in the kitchen of her Petworth apartment early Sunday morning, Ally Kearney saw a shadow pass through the doorway of her bedroom. It was about 2:30 a.m., and she had just come home with her boyfriend, Alex Pareene, better known as the blogger Wonkette. Kearney told Pareene she thought someone was inside, and he yelled out at the intruder. Instead of booking with his loot, a young man in a white hoodie walked into view carrying Kearney’s purse. He announced he had a gun and instructed the couple to get on the floor.
They obeyed, although the gun was obviously a finger stuffed in a hoodie pocket, Kearney says. She asked the man to leave behind the camera in her purse.
Obligingly, the burglar plopped down on the floor and began fishing out the purse’s priciest contents: the expensive camera, an iPod. Despite respecting Kearney’s request, he tried to stay tough, making threats along the lines of “‘Stay on the floor, or I’ll pop your girlfriend,’” Kearney recalls. After a few moments, the man handed over the purse and said he’d just take cash. He scored about $50 from Kearney and another $30 from Pareene’s wallet.
The man pocketed his loot with his gun/finger, then made use of the same appendage to squeeze Kearney’s rear before returning to the trigger position. He also demanded Kearney’s ID, promising to track her down if she called the police. She relinquished an old license from New York State and called out “Good luck!” as the burglar escaped through the front door.
Kearney and Pareene were still laughing when police arrived. She says they were never truly frightened. “We could’ve probably taken the dude,” she says, “but it just didn’t seem worth it since he obviously was just like a 20-year-old who had never done this before and seemed pretty freaked out.”
3:54 pm
If this had happened to the West Coast Wonkette, the one and only Ken Layne, the situation would have ended much differently. He woulda got all meth-era-Johnny Cash on the dude.
3:57 pm
maybe if they would have jumped the kid, it would have put the fear of god into him and he wouldn't try to pull shit like this again. missed opportunity, i say.
4:08 pm
he let a 120lb woman brandishing zero weapons boss him into giving her back his valuables. i'd say he was already gettin the fear. but i'm sure you're right and the months of court time that actually assaulting the dude (i mean, even if it is in self-defense, you know you still have to do the court shit, right?) would've garnered would've been totally worth it and he would've learned a valuable lesson!
insert "themoreyouknow.jpg" here.
4:10 pm
when i said "his valuables" i mean "her/my valuables" 4:30 post-coffee slump whoops
9:51 pm
They shoulda sat on him 'till his parent(s)/guardian came and picked him up rather than enabling his self destruction.
11:18 pm
Wait, I'm having trouble here... some dumb 20-year-old armed with a finger grabbed $80 from them? And groped the girl? And that's ... okay?
Color me puzzled. If someone tried to rob me, wasn't armed, and - as the article says - isn't frightening or intimidating, why on earth would I let him get $80 of my money?
7:33 am
Enter my home and if I am able I will take you down and pursue every civil and criminal legal option. The author is an idiot in the classic sense.
10:20 am
"Never truly frightened"? Hah! I'll bet Mr. Pareene -The Great White Snark - was shitting his pants in terror.
Ana Marie would've kicked that young thug's ass.
11:55 am
They should have offered the guy wine. I hear DC robbers get completely passive over that shit.
12:21 pm
"Enter my home and if I am able I will take you down and pursue every civil and criminal legal option."
Same here - I hope in a similar situation my spouse and I would be able to overpower him and hold him until police arrive or at the very least, drive him from our home without him taking anything. I'm not a big guy, but once my Sicilian temper kicks in, all bets are off.
2:00 pm
What a manly and noble response by the esteemed Wonkette. Did he also assume the surrender position: on his back, throat exposed and all 4 limbs raised?
However, I'm sure there will be a scathing blog entry directed at the young punk. That'll learn him.
2:49 pm
Joe, we're hearing unconfirmed reports that Pareene's position was more fetal.
12:38 pm
I'm hearing comfirmed reports that the woman in this story is my wife and I would like the writer to contact me immediately.
2:17 pm
Well it looks like Ally Kearney (AKA MILLAR but was she truly ever, really a MILLAR? I'm more of a MILLAR in spirit than this gunch) got what she always wanted by doinking this sweaty adolescent scenesterjew: a blog posted about her and her oh-so-hip DC exploits on someone else's blog, on which she can provide further commentary using various internet memes. Well done Ally, now you're internet-famous. Grats. I wonder if she even realizes she is still married, what with the fog of potential scene famedom clouding her thought. Stay classy.
6:34 pm
Gee as Allison's father I am fascinated by all of this.
What a wonderful way to find out about the crime, and her BOYFRIEND! Thank you ever so much.
6:34 pm
Aint this a gem of a drama bomb! Gotta remember to bookmark for a follow-up!
Jerry Springeresque
4:34 am
I do agree that Angela's journalism shares a great deal, qualitatively, with the work of Jerry Springer - but there's a reason he gets paid the big bucks and she doesn't. Jerry covers the people that matter; she covers Late Night Shots and Wonkette.
3:43 pm
That Ally! She KNOW she WRONG!
11:21 am
ouch sorry tom :/
3:08 pm
dude that sucks. pareene looks like such a major douchebag loser, with such a purposeless existence too. fuck them both, yeah?
4:33 pm
wau
4:33 pm
which minor internet personality is next?
9:51 pm
How about a frothy glass of busted?
11:03 am
I hope all involved get what they rightly deserve. This sort of attention whoring is an embarrassment. The sad thing is I am sure the low-brow individuals involved with this nonsense sleep well at night, fooling themselves into thinking they are part of something that matters.
Sorry to those who were taken advantage of, lied to, and down right disrespected. To hell with the rest.
In closing...you pretentious swine are not important, your opinions are shallow and meaningless, and the world is not a better place because of anything you do. Stop breathing immediately.