Beware of Self-Abusing Directions-Seekers
From a Saturday post to the newhilleast discussion group:
Subject: [newhilleast] encounter with the driving onanist
This morning, my girlfriend was out for a run on East Capitol Street when a man in a white sedan—not an SUV, but a sedan—pulled over and asked her for directions. Yes, you guessed it—he was masturbating. African American, looking more than a little bit stoned. When she called 311, they told her he'd been spotted already once this morning, though over on North Capitol Street, doing the same thing.
Keep your eyes open, folks, and be careful when somebody asks you for directions.
2:17 pm
And don't forget to carry wet-wipes and eyewash when exercising in our fair city.
3:11 pm
Um, really? Do we need to go on yellow alert for recurrences of a certain weird event because it happens once? Sure, it's a big bad world out there!! It always has been, remember when your mommy told you never to take candy from strangers?
But I think it's probably still OK to not succumb to mass hysteria over direction-askers at this point. Is this isolated event really a good reason to stop being nice to the 99.999999% of people who really are just asking for directions?
3:33 pm
Sad to say, this type of shit does happen. But I wouldn't stop giving directions to people who ask. Just be careful if that person is in a car and you're on foot; keep your distance. Common sense, right?
So, yeah. No need for hysteria. Just something to think about.
I mean, wait. Ew. Don't think about it. How fucking gross.
I've heard that if you ever encounter a flasher or a rogue masturbator that you should laugh at them. They want you to be shocked and look freaked out, not laugh at their little pee-pee. So laugh it up ladies! You can freak out later.
4:10 pm
I've heard that too, K, but I've worried that laughing at it might cause the freak to go from simply fleecing the weasel into full-on-psycho-slice-and-dice mode. So I try not to laugh at any of the dudes who regularly leap from the bushes drooling and cackling and holding their junk. Usually I just say, "Dad, aren't you supposed to be at work right now?"
If they catch this guy, they should give him a job driving one of the D.C. Ducks.
This is a tangent, but one of the best email forwards I've ever read is a multiple choice quiz purporting to test men on their sensitivity. One of the questions about love and relationships follows:
A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate
a) probably just needs time to build up trust within your sexual space,
b) is a repressed prude, or
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
1:21 pm
hey when i was a kid i had to dodge trannies in mt vernon sq who would say filthy things to me and my brother as we walked to school. sorry that yuppie white joggers have to encounter similar filth. just be patient and you'll have your dream city soon enough.