Iceland: I Like to Hoop
Editor’s Note: Earlier this year, Justin wrote Iceland, a blog about his band’s American tour. Justin isn’t on tour anymore, but Iceland continues, twice a week, on City Desk.
I open this revamped, semiweekly Iceland: Summer ’07 Edition by challenging any and all women and children under 16 living in Washington, D.C. to a game of basketball. This game can be played at any agreed-upon time from June 1 to Sept. 1, 2007. I am ready, willing, and able to play any and all agreed-upon games with any and all qualified women and children, including but not limited to winner’s outs, loser’s outs, to 11 by ones, to 16 by ones, to 30 by twos, “21,” “33,” and “HORSE.” I must insist that shots scored from outside the 3-point line count more than shots scored from within the 3-point line, and that no fouls be called unless someone is bleeding. Interested parties should contact the Washington City Paper, where my name and address are on file.
Though I am an admirer of Andy Kaufman, I do not issue my basketball challenge as Dadaist adventure-cum-performance art. Because I am not very large, fast, or particularly skilled at basketball, I prefer playing women and children because there is a greater chance that I will win or, at the very least, prove marginally competitive. Of course, this idea sometimes backfires.
“Would you like to play?” I was practicing my jump shot at Upshur Recreation Center at 4300 Arkansas Ave. NW, a fine facility maintained by the well-oiled machine that is the D.C. Parks and Recreation Department, when a young woman with the handle “Veronica” challenged me to one-on-one. Though I stand a mere 5-foot-8, I quickly calculated that Veronica was even shorter than myself.
“I accept your challenge,” I agreed. “Let us proceed by ones to sixteen.” I scored six points in quick secession, noting that Veronica refrained from trash-talking. I appreciate a player who doesn’t trash-talk, as I retired from snaps battles after a long and illustrious schoolyard career.
“Damn,” Veronica had noted that the score was not in her favor.
“Have faith,” I replied. “Maybe you are just letting me get a good lead, then plan to come back.” If Veronica smiled at this point, I did not see it. Nevertheless, she came back to beat me 16-6. We played again, and she beat me again. Mercifully, she let me score in the double digits during the second game.
“Good game, Veronica,” I said. She shook my hand and, as the sun set on the Upshur Recreation Center, disappeared into the green hills flanking 14th Street NW. I considered my future as a basketball player and remained optimistic. Earlier in the week, I had soundly beaten a different woman who had been wearing flip-flops.
19 Responses to “Iceland: I Like to Hoop”
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May 31st, 2007 at 3:19 pm
When you play the women in HORSE, you should have to spell out the full word. But the women should only have to spell HO’S. I guess you’d have to decide whether the apostrophe counts as a regular shot, or if it could be just a layup.
May 31st, 2007 at 3:24 pm
JW: To give the poor incompetent girls even more of an advantage, you should have to spell out HORSE’S ASS.
May 31st, 2007 at 4:16 pm
I suppose I could’ve done more to signify that my comment was tongue-in-cheek. I am terrible at basketball.
May 31st, 2007 at 5:16 pm
I figured — just wanted to give you a little smackdown for your Imus-be-an-idjit moment.
May 31st, 2007 at 8:24 pm
I would dunk on Imus. Boo-ya!
June 4th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Boo you, JW. What the EFBA is all this nonsense?..
Oh no. Challenging women and children, eh?
Justin, I personally don’t think you’re a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?
Hoopette, your rib-tickling equestrian jest had me rolling on the floor!
June 4th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Will someone please notify Justin’s parents? The boy’s sinking.
Ernest, you really are looking well. New hairstyle? it suits you. What did the lawnmower win?
Boo W.
Whereas Hoopette seems very nice.
June 4th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
I have lost my dignity.
June 5th, 2007 at 9:41 am
W the loser.
Bobby, you are so ugly you can be a modern art masterpiece.
Hoopette, I see you ride a bicyclette,
What pair of muscular legs you have, pet.
June 5th, 2007 at 10:07 am
[fluttering eyelashes]
Who knew that suggesting JW spell out HORSE’S ASS would get me lauded in song?
Will you write me an epic poem if I tell him he should have to spell GIRAFFE’S LOWER INTESTINE?
June 5th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
But of course he will. It’ll be called “Anatomically Inclined Hoopette” or, more precisely, “Oddly preoccupied with the lower body anatomy of the large animals Hoopette”.
June 5th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Peggy,
I wouldn’t upset Hoopette for she’ll kick your buttette.
June 5th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
Before Peggy accuses me of Catherine the Great inclinations, lower parts of large animals are not my preoccupation — just finding animals with long names to make a difficult game of HORSE for JW and inspire Ernest to further poesy on the subject of my muscular legs.
Thus, while spelling out PORCUPINE’S SPHINCTER in trick shots may appeal, TYRANNOSAURUS’S LARYNX would do just as well.
No buttettes were harmed in the posting of this message.
June 5th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Your smile does it for me every time, Peggy. Care to shoot hoops tonight?
June 5th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Oh Ernest, I thought you’d never ask.
June 5th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
But not tonight. I have a date in planetarium. Tomorrow night, perhaps?
June 5th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
Hoopette,
You do seem nice. I judged you harshly.
June 6th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
She has grand legs as well, apparently.
But so does, Peggy. Shoot hoops tonight?.. Gee, I’m keen yet won’t be able to. I have a date in arboretum.
June 6th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Gee, at least you’re able to spell ‘arboretum’.