Star Struck
I never warmed to the D.C. statehood argument. Voting rights, yes, absolutely, right now. But the idea of our tiny District as a state seems unwieldy. Admittedly, the main reason I'm against it is that adding another state will totally mess up the flag. Fifty-one is an odd odd number, and I can't envision any elegant way to cram one more five-pointer onto the field of blue. As it stands, America has the most kick-ass flag on Earth. (Nice try, Latvia!) We certainly don't want to end up like this.
But here's a solution---why not just get rid of another state? Like Florida. I spent the weekend in that benighted region, and now understand completely why most episodes of Cops are filmed there. The long, flat streets are bordered day and night with shirtless, aimless-looking men, usually carrying a bottle, invariably sporting some variation of a mullet. It's also no coincidence that News of the Weird's Chuck Shepherd calls Florida home--it pays to be close to your sources.
Not only is the geography stultifyingly dull, but this photo...
...represents the apex of local architecture. In Florida, you can count the buildings taller than one story on your flip-flopped toes. But you don't want to count the buildings, because that would mean you have to look at them, and they are of a piece capital-U ugly.
Now, I must say that I was in the Sunshine State for the wedding of a dear friend---it was lovely. And I have relatives who I also adore who live there. But on balance, Florida has long failed to uphold its end of the Constitutional bargain. For 200 years, its populace has focused almost entirely on the "pursuit of happiness" clause of the Declaration of Independence, which, for the record, is not legally binding. And as far as voting goes, we don't have to rehash that mess again.
Plus, there's an economic argument: We can offset some of George W. Bush's irresponsible deficit by selling Florida to the highest bidder. I'm willing to bet that Disney will want to finally own the whole shebang.
So, D.C. gets Florida's vote and its star. Done deal.
Now, when we get around to annexing Canada, I'll have a few words to say about South Carolina.
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1:33 pm
Hey that's my car!
2:02 pm
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame the South. Typical East-Coast snobbery.
2:17 pm
Ahem, from Cecil Adams:
A 51-star flag? No prob. When President Quayle calls in 1997, I'll tell him to make it six rows with alternating rows of nine and eight. For 52 stars try eight rows, alternating six and seven, and for 53 seven rows, alternating eight and seven. That takes care of D.C. and Puerto Rico and leaves us a spare for emergencies. Semper paratus, that's me.
2:18 pm
But Florida isn't exactly the "South." Too many Northen retirees for that. It's another world. A friend describes Florida as "Georgia with more guns." Plus, I married a Richmond gal and was born in Virginia, so it's not the entire South I have problems with. But I'll gladly confess to snobbery.
2:20 pm
To Dean C:
Ahem, from Monk:
"But it's not even!
4:03 pm
Florida is definitely *not* the South.
6:33 pm
OK, let's be specific here. Certain parts of Florida -- Miami of the Calle Ocho and Disneyworld/EPCOT's Europettes and the clusters of Jewish snowbirds sunning themselves into leathery oblivion -- are not "the South" as we traditionally conceive it. But you get into the Florida Panhandle and try telling the local bubbas that they don't live in the South, and they're liable to cram a rebel flag down your silly ol' throat and shove your head in the nearest deep fryer. Saying that Florida is not the South because of Miami is like saying Virginia isn't the South because of Mclean. You get out of the cities in *either* state, and believe me, y'all gonna hear some banjo music.
Anyway, why not sell off North Dakota instead? It's so ashamed of itself it tried to change its name to "Dakota" a while back. Besides, it's not like anyone lives there to object: Everyone born in ND got sick of the weather and moved to Fort Lauderdale back in '82.
11:45 pm
Why get rid of ND? Why not just tack it on to SD (just Dakota, thank you) or even WI?
1:23 pm
Tack ND on to WI? Check your map.