Ring the Alarm: The local paper of record has lost its digital director, Raju Narisetti. Who shall capture the tin crown?

Tongue on Floor: WaPo's David Malitz really, really, really liked Monday's Thurston Moore show at Black Cat.

Dirty Work: Dunes owner Ora Nwabueze does an audio interview with Pink Line. Facts learned in the first five minutes: When Nwabueze was an antitrust attorney, arts was his "mistress,"; also, "The Dunes" is a Steely Dan reference.

We're the Luckiest By Far: In case you missed it: Madonna. D.C. 2012.

Yesterday on Arts Desk: Bluebrain's Hays Holladay might record your music for zero dollars.

Bob Dylan's last few records are as amazing as everyone says. I love them just as much as anything he did in 63-66. A lot of good corny old-man jokes. "I sit on mah WATCH so I kin... be on TIIIME..." Awesome. He did have a long, long rut there in the middle, like 20 years, and in that rut, he wasn't funny. He was a funny young man and he is a funny old man and kind of a bitter guy in between. Wonder if that's not a common life arc, hmm. Note to self.

*Holy Unregenerate Geezers, Batman...they're making a sequel to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid! Old Man Cassidy will be played by Sam Shepard, who has the unenviable task of explaining to audiences how he survived what had seemed like almost certain death in the iconic closing frame of the 1969 film.

*I did not realize that Weird Al Yankovich had slept with Madonna.

*Ann Hornaday enjoyed Hot Tub Time Machine much more than Kolowich did.

*DEPT. OF HMM I WONDER WHAT WELDON AND RHODE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS: Behold, the world's most valuable comic book!

*Hey, Freud! Your stuff on Leonardo? Pretty sweet. But sometimes a homoerotic book on anatomy is just a homoerotic book on anatomy.

*Like things to be free? Check out our new-ish promotions page! True, some contests are more thrilling than others. But act now and win two (2) screening passes to whatever movie I watch via Netflix Instant tonight on my buddy's laptop. I'm thinking Cool Hand Luke. (The original; not the forthcoming Sam Shepard sequel.) It's gonna be off the chain!

According to the Wall Street Journal, Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C., held an old-fashioned book burning last week (above is an AP video on the same).

Now, my people didn't burn books when I was growing up, but my youth pastor did ask me to toss my copy of Pyromania, and my grandfather, an Episcopal priest, refused to allow books written by Carl Jung inside his house. Also, I once had to scribble an ode to masturbation on a slip of paper during mass and throw it into a cauldron of fire.

Based on these criteria, I feel qualified to offer the following FAQ for attending a book burning.

Is it OK to swing by the grocery store on my way to the burning and just buy a new book? Or should I bring something from home?

Serious book burning is as much about purging one's soul of evil influence as purging America's retail shelves of the same. That said, only bring a book from home if you're sure that fellow congregates have read it, or skimmed the dust jacket in a moment of doubt. A book burning is a family event, not a chance for you to strut your perversions.

If the only irreligious book you have at home is Madonna's Sex, leave it there and pick up the new Dan Brown book on your way to the burning. Otherwise, your pastor will think you are making a mockery of the entire thing.

I have a lot of dog books at home, and not much else. Should I burn my dog books?

Novels about people who form emotional connections with their dogs are fucking disgusting, and the Lord will not abide. Where the Red Fern Grows? Go ahead and roast the copy you read to your kids. Your fellow burners have probably read these books too, and as such, are just as on the fence about it as you are. Remember: It's one thing to use a dog for sexual pleasure, it's an entirely different and unholy thing to write a book about it. Same goes for Shiloh, My Dog Skip, and–my personal favorite–the Lad series. Burn them all.

I really want to bring my friends to a book burning, but I'm worried that they'll think I'm crazy. What should I do?

Ask your friends if they have ever touched a hot stove, perhaps a cookie sheet fresh out of the oven, or a warm drill bit. If they say yes, ask them if they can imagine what it would be like to feel that pain for an eternity. Then tell them about the book burning and its importance to you. Remind them that good friends should be GGG–good, giving, and God-fearing.

And remember: You are crazy–crazy for the eternal truth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Setting things on fire arouses me. Should I feel bad about enjoying a book burning in a way that my fellow congregates would likely disapprove of if they knew?

Yes.

Some people in my congregation have suggested that we simply burn a Barnes and Noble bookstore to the ground. What do you think of this idea?

That is a foolish idea. It would be much wiser to find the warehouse from which Barnes and Noble ships its stock of Dan Brown books and light that place on fire.

I am functionally illiterate. Can I bring a DVD or VHS instead?

Yes, so long as it does not star Charlton Heston or Kirk Cameron.

Below: this year's top-sellers at Melody Records. Glad to see Gnarls on there; chagrined to see Coldplay; not surprised to see either; curious whether any other stores were able to move the Hancock album like this.

1. Madonna, Hard Candy
2. Coldplay, Viva la Vida
3. Erykah Badu, New Amerykah Part One
4. Vampire Weekend, Vampire Weekend
5. Portishead, Third
6. Jennifer Hudson, Jennifer Hudson
7. Amy Winehouse, Back to Black
8. R.E.M., Accelerate
9. Fleet Foxes, Fleet Foxes
10. Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple
11. Sigur Ros, Med sud i eyrum vid spilum endalaust
12. The Raconteurs, Consolers of the Lonely
13. TV on the Radio: Dear Science
14. Herbie Hancock, River: The Joni Letters
15. Duffy, Rockferry