At Coachella 2007, smokin’ starlet Scarlett Johanson lent her sultry vocals to then-freshly reunited Scottish noise-poppers Jesus & Mary Chain’s performance of their best-known single, “Just Like Honey” (also featured in Lost In Translation). Roughly a year later, Johansson foisted an album of low key, lounge-lizard reworkings of Tom Waits classics (Anywhere I Lay My Head, 2008) upon the public. Critics tolerated the album, because, well it’s Scarlett! She can act! She can model! AND sing (sort of)! Now-as if taking on the work, talent and fans of one of the most respected experimental musicians in the biz wasn’t challenge enough, actress-turned-songstress ScarJo is drinking once again from the trough of overzealous do-overs, this time taking a shaky stab at the late Jeff Buckley’s “Last Goodbye.”

Johansson recorded Buckley’s single for the soundtrack to He’s Just Not That Into You, the film based on the Oprah-discovered-and-hocked self-help book for hopeless hangers-on by Greg Behrendt. (Johansson also stars in the film, along with Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck.) As expected, bloggers, Buckley-philes and even Buckley-haters at Pitchfork ripped into the track (which can be streamed via Stereogum). The main complaint: Johansson’s vocal range is tragically terrestrial compared to Buckley’s gymnastic chords. Johansson can do soft and cigarette-smoky, no problem. But mastering the face- and heart-melting Buckleyan Willowy Wail? Not a snowball’s chance.

Nice try, Scarl. But please-step away from the mic and let the Buckley discography rest in peace.

A belated answer key to our Rolling Stone: Parse that Platitude contest!

• There is a difference between people who sing and those who take that voice to another, otherworldly place, who create a euphoria within themselves. PLATITUDE REFERS TO: Elvis Presley
  
• You know a force from heaven. You know something that God made. And [blank] is a gift from God. PLATITUDE REFERS TO: Aretha Franklin
  
• There’s a lot going on in [blank]’s voice. A lot of pain, a lot of life but, most of all, a lot of strength. PLATITUDE REFERS TO: Etta James
  
• [Blank]’s unhinged aggression presaged punk rock. PLATITUDE REFERS TO: Jim Morrison
  
• I can’t compare [blank]’s voice to anything — [blank] had such an unusual breadth of influences, from Sonic Youth to Edith Piaf. PLATITUDE REFERS TO: Jeff Buckley
  

Commenter “Elisabetta” wins for accuracy, with a 20% accuracy rate. Commenter “Dean Steve” wins for most original entry, with an 80% humor rate.

Winners entitled to free copy of City Paper, redeemable at any of our many distribution hubs across the greater D.C. metro area.