Arts Desk

Wintry Six: Local Metal Songs for True Winter

On our warming planet, winter as we once knew it has begun to wane. The lead-up to humanity’s demise is likely to involve unseasonal heat waves that melt your soul punctuated by devastating ice storms that freeze any hope of survival.

Will you accept your fate, allowing the tempestuous skies to batter your limbic system, torment your soul, and release their bowels on your tropical vacation plans? Or will you metal up, conjure the snow demon, and enter the Nevermore with a blizzard at your back?

Consider these six songs by D.C.-area metal artists as soundtracks for your Yeti-like battle cries in praise of True Winter.

Borracho, “Empty”

Winter is God’s foot on your neck as he tries to learn doom riffs on a detuned thrift-shop guitar He borrowed from Jesus, the first shredder. “This depression is killing me.”

Wrnlrd, “Moonlight Ride”

What else is there to do when the roads are slick with ice, your tires are bald, and the fog is so thick you can no longer see ghosts? Drive straight into the abyss.

Pig Destroyer, “The Diplomat”

It’s always winter in Washington because of the cold-hearted politicians. Am I right folks?

Drugs of Faith, “Insanity”

Work sucks, Metro blows, and you get to do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and again, forever. It’s a treadmill of sadness, and you’re the fastest runner.

Misery Index, “The Carrion Call”

Gaia is tired of SUV patriots doing burnouts on her womb, so sometimes she lets loose with mass destruction so that she can be reborn.

Darkest Hour, “Love Is a Weapon”

Even the gravest metalhead sometimes prays for redemption to a deity who isn’t there. But the void can only be filled with love. And jams.

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  • Johnny Walker Red

    Maybe climate change is genuine, maybe not; maybe planets naturally have a life cycle and perhaps human behavior doesn't really affect the weather with so many uncertain variables, I just love how snarky lightweight "reporters" for throwaway rags always smugly consider it to be an established fact.

    Metal is the worst genre ever: it is made for carnies and people who like to watch masturbators getting off by hitting as many notes on a guitar as possible with no regard to how awful and stupid it sounds.

    In conclusion, if you want to read faux weather "reporting" propaganda devoid of scientific evidence combined with recommendations for crap stupid ghastly awful noise, please see Christopher "Dumbsh*t" Porter!

  • Ally Schweitzer

    Wow, a climate change denier in the Arts Desk comments. Is this a first?!

  • Johnny Walker Red

    I do not actually "deny" climate change, Ally. Indeed, I myself am a jolly good fellow who nobody can DENY. I just don't think there's enough evidence to make it a slam-dunk, and the Arts Desk types are often the worst for allowing zero room for disagreement.

    It used to be called "Global Warming" so the change in nomenclature in and of itself demonstrates that scientific theories are in flux. More data will probably help--hopefully before the earth gets fried or whatever.

    (My two-cents' worth, though, is that to completely deny climate change is ignorant, yet to feign superior intellect as if anyone knows 100% what's going on is arrogant. While pending evidence and research are brought forth, a music critic who likes metal is about the last "source" of commentary from whom I want to hear about climate change!)

    By the way, what's crappy boring stupid Metal doing in an "Arts" section anyway? Are there really that many Frank Frazetta connoisseurs around?!

  • Crickey7

    I accidentally went to a death metal concert not that long ago--a battle of the bands, actually--and had a great time. It's not my kind of music, sure, and the target demographic is heavily disaffected youth, which does not describe me in the least in any respect.

    But the kids were having a great time, they were happy, and the music was, um, loud. To each their own, I say. Taste is totally subjective

  • Reggie

    Ally, not only a climate change denier, but a class A try-hard.

  • Johnny Walker Red

    Hey Reggie, why not go outside and listen to some metal? You suck.

  • Johnny Walker of superior color

    Perhaps JWR was burned by some metal 'lass from the past'...someone who also worked for the EPA? Anyway, If metal is the worst genre ever, clearly you haven't listened to or have forgotten ska, fusion funk (pervading college campuses since white people tried dreadlocks) or 4th-wave grunge. But whatever, the title of metal covers a boatload of sub-genres, many of which are truly terrible. I, the Johnny Walker of superior color and taste decree that DC metal is good and should be shared with the world, or at least the Mid-Atlantic Region of the US.

  • Ally Schweitzer

    @Johnny Walker of superior color, wish I had more commenters like you.

  • http://dcheavymetal.com Metal Chris

    The nice thing about metal is metal doesn't care if you or anyone else likes it. It's not meant for everyone and those of us who get it don't really care if you do or not.

  • http://scrapyardzine.blogspot.com Lindsey

    The other good thing about metal is the not-giving a shit aspect.

    I'm going to go listen to some rad heavy tunes while I work. Thanks WCP for publishing this fun article!

  • sabbathmaniac

    Metal is not for everybody, and if your whimpy ears can't stand the heaviness of that type of music, go to a softer style of music and adore them, don't need the hatred for the music we love because you're a softie! XD

  • NOVAMetal

    Oh look a "hater" just had to open his mouth and.. well, hate. Well done JWR, hopefully you will feel better having gotten that off your chest. Personally speaking, what you do or don't like matters not a jot to me, but for those of you reading this with an open mind (and set of ears) give DC Metal a listen, there's lots of good metal to be found.

  • Metal Chimp

    "people who like to watch masturbators getting off by hitting as many notes on a guitar as possible with no regard to how awful and stupid it sounds."

    jazz?

    regardless I think this particular troll has listened to some false metal and/or has a closed mind. Not that everyone should like a particular type of music, but really sounds like he heard one Between the Buried and Me Song and blew up his speakers, forever vowing this 'metal' (well... close I guess) shall never taunt his ears again

  • FigueresTactics

    Hey JWR, now you're not only soiling the good name of metal, and its fans but also fine scotch whiskey...
    DO NOT MESS WITH SCOTCH WHISKEY YOU TWAT!

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