Wale: Please Stay Away From Jay-Z
We at Arts Desk have mentioned before that the DMV's own Wale is maybe probably kind of dating Beyonce's little sister Solange. Now, the gossip site Mediatakeout.com, (say what you want about 'em, but they very often get these things right) is reporting that Solange and Wale are house-hunting in Brooklyn. Or at least that Solange is house-hunting and Wale is tagging along. Or he's been spotted in the general area of her house hunt or something. Whatever—the couple has been seen together in Brooklyn and apparently some kind of real estate is involved, and it sounds like things between them are getting serious.
This is a very troubling turn of events.
Solange is a nice enough woman, and we're sure Wale would feel at home in Brooklyn, a borough awash in tight jeans and nerd raps. But as he gets closer to Solange, it's almost inevitable that he'll become chummy with Jay-Z and, as many young rappers on the cusp of stardom know, that is not the move.
So, Wale, if you're reading this, here are a few reasons why you should stay far, far away from one Shawn Carter. (Hanging out with Bun B is still perfectly acceptable, though).
• You don't want to become the next Memph Bleek
Yes, your album Attention Deficit is finally coming out on Nov. 10 and everyone is very excited about it! Right now. But we were also excited about Memphis Bleek's debut album Coming of Age. For some reason, being associated with Jay-Z is deadly for up-and-coming rappers. So much as brush up against Jay at a club and you can kiss your rap aspirations goodbye. And it's even worse if Jay actually decides to have a hand in your career development. Remember Diamonds in Da Rough? Peedi Peedi? Amil? Yeah, neither do we.
• He will outshine you
You could go from D.C.'s "hip-hop break-out star" to "brother-in-law of Jay-Z and Beyonce" in the blink of an eye, and no one wants that to happen. No matter how dope you are or how great your debut album turns out to be (fingers-crossed), Jay-Z's star power will extinguish yours. If you befriend him, you are totally on your way to being listed as an "unidentified friend of Jay-Z" in some candid picture in Us Weekly.
• If you mess over Solange, you could be the next victim on that Summer Jam stage
Jay-Z is known for calling people out during Hot 97's annual Summer Jam concert, and if you don't treat his wife's sister right, I imagine he'd make it his business to similarly humiliate you. If there are any unflattering pictures from your past, hide them NOW.
• He's going to make you an outlet for his umlaut fetish
Jay-Z loves a good piece of unnecessary punctuation—see the umlauts over the "y" in his name on the cover of the CD single for "Dead Presidents." Wale, you have managed to teach an entire nation—an entire planet!—of hip-hop lovers to pronounce your name without resorting to so much as an accent, but there's a chance Jay-Z could convince you to use one. Don't do it.