Poste Moderne Brasserie
555 8th St. NW

Celery & dill-infused vodka
Bloody Mary caviar pearls
Horseradish caviar pearls
…and finished with an Old Bay-encrusted celery stick

Brian’s take: Mary’s Pearls is one classy drink. Just holding it in my hand I felt like a veritable member of the “Upper Crust,” and upon tasting it I was instantly transformed into the Queen of Sheba. This artini was devised by the virtuosic Rico, who is undoubtedly one of the pearls of Poste Modern. It is hands-down the best drink I’ve tasted in the competition thus far. It is the only artini that dares to embellish its martini-roots rather than forsake them, opting for substantial, savory ingredients like horseradish and celery over sugary-sweet stuff like cherries, lychees, and unicorn dust. “Mary’s Pearls” may not be magic, but it sure is a damn fine martini.

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 5

Ted’s take: Finally, an artini not geared towards the underage crowd. This drink not only contains an adult portion of alcohol–it rightfully boasts the most sophisticated marriage of flavors and taste-sensations this reviewer has noted in any of the experimental artinis it has been his pleasure (or duty) to quaff. Spicy, refreshing, sharp but simple–it’s a drink at which your parents wouldn’t scoff. Much of the credit, naturally, goes to Rico, who is a veritable maestro behind the bar, and with whom the laudable concept of “Mary’s Pearls” originated. The baron of bartenders, the Mayor of Martiniville, Rico is your man if you yearn for an artini that weds style with substance and won’t give you a sugar-high lasting more than four hours.

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 4.75

Artini neologism: “Complexicity.”

Bobby Van’s
809 15th St. NW

Chambord
Stoli Raz
Triple Sec
Lemonade
…and, of course, a cherry

Brian’s take: Some bargoers said they felt a bit naughty ordering this drink. The only time I felt a bit naughty was after a few sips, when my stomach simply couldn’t take any more. This artini was a syrupy mess. I felt like I was in the movie Super Troopers, competing for first place in a molasses-chugging competition. Considering I couldn’t even finish my Mary with a Cherry, I’m assuming I would’ve lost terribly.

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 1

Ted’s take: I have it on good authority that a strong dose of Robitussin will send the happy guzzler on a reeling vision-jaunt through technicolor stalactites and tesselated beatitudes. The “Mary with a Cherry,” while sporting the same color scheme and soupy, medicinal sweetness, offered none of these tripped-out side effects. Instead, I found myself struggling to down the damn thing, and, afterwards, to rid myself of the clinging and sickly taste. In a one-on-one scenario, I have no reservations about Chambord, Stoli Raz, triple sec, or lemonade; together, though, they make for a pretty foul combination.

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 0.75

Customer Takes:

“It’s very sweet. I’m told they have Stoli Raz in it, so you can definitely tell there’s raspberry in it. I like the mix with the cherry.

“It’s delicious. It’s quite strong, which is wonderful. It has a little cherry after-taste, and, you know, I feel a little bit naughty ordering it.”
Artistic Invocations:

Andy Warhol

Yves Klein

Roy Lichtenstein

Le Bar
806 Fifteenth Street NW

“D’ici”
2 mashed sage leaves
2 oz. Christiana vodka
¾ oz. lime juice
¾ oz. simple syrup
¼ oz. blood orange puree
¾ oz. egg whites (for their foaming properties)
Splash of white wine
Lemon juice for the rim of the glass
Sugar
Garnished with a sage leaf

Brian’s take: The “D’ici,” which is easily mispronounced (think the name of the city you’re in), is a delicious drink that takes itself a bit too seriously. Lots of liquor makes this tasty little number a veritable knockout, while the various and sundry juices hide any trace of alcohol. There are hints of mint and berry in the D’ici, haunted by a consistent overtone of, as we say in the French, “Jolly Rancher.” On the whole, the D’ici tastes more like juice box than a martini, but for lots of drinkers that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (Plus, the olives at Le Bar are delightful.)

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 2

Ted’s take: The frothiness of this beverage is its saving grace. Too many drinks appeal to the sweet of tooth without offering much substance behind the sugar. A well-shaken pair of egg whites is enough to make nearly any drink noteworthy, though in this case the contrast between fruit-loopiness and near-peroxidontal ebullition constitutes something of a ‘find’ anywhere outside a dentist’s office. On the whole, it was a decent bet, though when a man takes 20 minutes to make you a drink you’ve got to wonder what sort of special ingredients are contained therein.

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 3

Mie N Yu
3125 M Street, NW

“Kama Sutra”
Absolut Ruby Red
Sake
A splash of Champagne
Lychee puree
Garnished with a lychee fruit

Brian’s take: For me, the Kama Sutra was all about the texture—smooth as a baby’s behind, if a baby’s behind were peppered with chewy bits of lychee pulp. This artini was light and refreshing, so you could easily drink several. I did. This also meant that I ate several lychee garnishes, which was an eye-opening cultural experience for someone so provincial as I.

One beautiful bargoer demonstrated for the camera her erotic lychee-eating technique (she had clearly practiced), but the whole affair was so lewd, so ribald, so altogether inappropriate, that we simply couldn’t post a video of it online for fear that the FCC might subject us to a waterboard.

Many folks at the bar wondered what the hell a lychee fruit is. The best way of describing it is that it looks like a scallop, chews like a scallop, but tastes like a fruit. In hopes of further edifying the masses, here’s what Merriam-Webster has to say about it:

lychee
(or litchi; also lichee)
1: the oval fruit of a Chinese tree (Litchi chinensis) of the soapberry family having a hard scaly reddish outer covering and sweet whitish edible flesh that surrounds a single large seed —called also lychee nut.
2: a tree bearing lychees.

Lychee: The Other White Fruit.

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 3

Ted’s take: The Kama Sutra artini has a bouquet that improves on acquaintance. An appealing if somewhat promiscuous cocktail, it is a martini in only the loosest sense of the word. Really, it’s something closer to a love affair in a glass, minus the awkward first date and the gut-wrenching breakup. While the sake provides a bite to counter the lychees, the vodka-champagne synergy keeps things boozy and effervescent. Soon, hints of elderberry and rose pips will waft from the rim of the chilled martini glass, and you will find that what the drink lacks in maturity it more than makes up for in panache.

On a scale of 1-5 olive branches: 3

Customer Takes:

“I don’t know what a lychee fruit is, but it tastes like sex.”

“I also enjoyed the lychee fruit, although it was a little meaty.”

“It’s pretty delicious, but I think it belies the name. I’ve always thought of kama sutra as something, you know, sultry and relaxing, and it’s got a bite. But the garnish was kind of sultry.”

Artistic Invocations:

Wasily Kandinsky
Mirot
Edward Hopper