Best Lost & Found

E Street Cinema
555 11th St. NW; (202) 452-7672
Eyeglasses frame my face, distract from my dinner-roll nose, and create the false perception that I have taste. Imagine then my distress upon finding them missing. I had been making a night of it in Chinatown, with steamed pork dumpling and garlic sauteed Yu Choy at Chinatown Express, then a trip to the Barnes & Noble on 12th Street, and a screening of A Serious Man at E Street Cinema, which I was ultimately too baked and goyish to enjoy. But at some point during my adventure, I lost my face, and I spent the next few weeks scouring downtown D.C.’s lost and found boxes for my Kennedyesque specs. The selection at most of these places is akin to what you’ll find at your average YMCA, but with fewer soggy swimming trunks or spitty asthma inhalers. I dug through musty outerwear, touristy hats, and complicated key rings that could double as restraining devices—and found only the occasional pair of reading glasses or cokehead shades. I made phone calls, even to places I didn’t visit, and described my eyeglasses in excruciating detail. I checked my bank account and knew that I would not be buying new ones. And then I called the E Street Cinema, where the manager said they he had so many pairs of trendy eyeglasses in his lost and found box that I’d have to peruse the pile personally. What I found blew my mind: Black-framed hipster goggles, tortoise shell Ray Ban sunblockers, black calfskin gloves, chic clutches, and even a classy watch or two. And there, at the bottom of the box, were my glasses, their lenses lovingly smeared with butter. It was all I could do to take only them.