When Should I Tell Someone I'm Into Diapers? Also: I lost a lot of weight and now people want me!

I am a 28-year-old gay man living in a major East Coast city. I recently connected with a guy on a vanilla dating website, and we are quickly developing a real interest in each other. After talking online for a bit, we exchanged numbers. Our first conversation was through text messages for the better part of six hours. The next night, we talked over the phone for an hour or two. And the third consecutive night was our first date. In that first text conversation, he stated that he is into “everything from mild to wild.” The comment came without solicitation from me, during a conversation that he initiated about sexual preferences (e.g., top or bottom, dom or sub). This was a major turn-on for me, increasing my interest in him. I’ve had limited experience with BDSM, but I am looking to try more, so I was thrilled to receive this message. I am very familiar with one kink: diapers. It’s a huge part of my sexual identity, and I ideally want it to be part of a sex life with my partner. Normally I would wait until months into a new relationship to bring up the topic, but since he opened the door, should I talk about it now? Should I drop hints to see how he responds? Since this has the potential to be more than just a hookup, what’s the best way to proceed? —Nervously Anticipating Padded Pants In Erotic Situations

I’ve long advised kinksters who are dating vanillas—or presumed vanillas (PVs), I should say, as it’s not uncommon for a presumed-to-be-vanilla partner to reveal kinks of their own after a partner discloses their kinks—to wait until the PV has gotten to know them before disclosing. (Ironically, of course, every kinkster is a PV until the moment of disclosure.) Since so many true vanillas have a knee-jerk, negative reaction to kinks, it’s only fair that kinksters have a chance to let a new partner get to know them before opening up. That way, a vanilla can weigh any prejudices they might have about kinky people (they’re dangerous and depraved, not BF or GF material) against what they’ve come to know (and like) about the kinkster they’ve been dating. Sometimes it works out (the vanilla comes to enjoy the kink because it gives someone they care about pleasure, the vanilla grows to enjoy the kink themselves, the vanilla gives the kinkster a pass to enjoy their kink with others), and sometimes it doesn’t work out (the kink is a deal-breaking libido-killer and the kinkster winds up dumped).

But your case is different, NAPPIES, as the gentleman you’re courting has already disclosed his kinks. According to my treasured and frequently consulted copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette, the proper response to a disclosure of kinks by a suitor is the prompt disclosure of one’s own kinks.

Now, very few people who say they’re into “everything” are actually into every single thing. A Google search for “toaster fetish” pulls up 260,000 results. They’re not all pages created by sexual fetishists—some are pages created by kitchen-appliance aficionados—but some are sites created by actual toaster pervs. And just as your new boyfriend probably wasn’t thinking “even toasters!” when he said “everything,” NAPPIES, he probably wasn’t thinking “even diapers!” Because while diapers are a huge turn-on for you and other diaper fetishists, they’re not something that leaps to mind when even a kinky person says “from mild to wild.”

And this presents you with a problem. As Emily Post put it: “A sexual fetish for an item of attire so strongly associated with childhood (indeed, with the nursery itself!) will give pause to even the most depraved of suitors.” As such, NAPPIES, you may be within your rights to drop hints about your diaper fetish instead of flat-out disclosing it. Ask him if he really meant everything and see what he says. If he says, “Yes, everything,” then spill—or leak—your kink.

But if he hedges his bets, NAPPIES, let him get to know you a bit better, and explore some of his kinks, before disclosing your own. —Dan

Here’s the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version: I’m a sexually inactive (by my own choice) heterosexual female in my late 40s who up until recently used to be much heavier and in rapidly declining health. Since my type 2 diabetes diagnosis, I have achieved substantial weight loss, a much-improved diet, and a little Clairol Nice ’n’ Easy. I now look and feel infinitely better than I ever did in my late 20s. People in my apartment building have been doing double takes, and recently I even got carded at my favorite restaurant dining out with a female neighbor friend half my age! While I admit the newly acquired positive attention is fun (especially getting carded! Who? Me?!? Ha-ha!), I’m happy staying single and am not interested in developing any LTRs with the opposite sex. The weird thing is, the majority of guys doing any flirting with me seem to be much younger than I am. A wise, older female friend of mine once commented that men “don’t know what to make” of someone like me. Okay, I think. So am I too narcissistic? I can’t seem to relate or really keep conversations going. Plenty of younger men in their 20s and 30s are nice looking, but I’ll be 50 next summer! —I’m Not A Cougar Though I’m Very Energized

“The first thing I’d like to say to INACTIVE is congratulations on tackling her type 2 diabetes with such determination and getting such fabulous results!” says Cindy Gallop, a former high-flying advertising executive who is now the founder and driving force behind MakeLoveNotPorn.com, a website and movement designed to blow up pornography.

Gallop is a fan of younger men, INACTIVE, and younger men are fans of Gallop.

“Of course she’s getting so much flirtatious attention from younger guys!” says Gallop. “There are many young men out there interested in and attracted to older women—but society considers that relationship model less socially acceptable than the older-man/younger-woman version, which is why she’s so surprised. Well, the good news is she can stay single, not embark on any LTRs with the opposite sex, and still have a lot of fun with younger men, without worrying about keeping conversations going—because the fun doesn’t need to involve much talking.”

If “sexually inactive by choice” was a choice you made back in your heavier, unhealthier days due to a lack of confidence, Gallop says that this is the perfect time for you to get back in the game—and younger men are the perfect playmates.

“INACTIVE is in her sexual prime, and she should go for it!” says Gallop. “The age issue is purely a societal judgment and is irrelevant. Younger man (lots of stamina, very short recovery period) + older woman (confidence, experience, knows what she wants) is a fantastic combination. And I speak as someone who knows.”

A couple of pro tips from Gallop for older women who are dating younger men: “Number one: Apply the same filter to her dates that I do—regardless of how casual the relationship, he needs to be a very nice person. Number two: If she hasn’t been sexually active for a while, check out MakeLoveNotPorn.com. She should be aware of what she may encounter in younger men that’s been learned from porn, and how to talk about what she prefers in that context openly, honestly, and lightheartedly.” —Dan

Send your Savage Love questions to mail@savagelove.net.

Our Readers Say

It is a very difficult thing to pluck the courage up to tell someone you are into nappies (diapers). I came out as gay when I was 37 (I'm 41 now) but also told my family and friends I wear nappies. I was surprised by the responses and reactions I got. I expected lots of negative, but I am very lucky that everyone seems fine with it. The main response was that if it makes me happy, then they didn't care. I started dating a man much younger than me early last year, after 3 weeks I told him about my nappy wearing, he was cool about it, but told me he wanted nothing to do with it. Things went alright for a while, but I was wearing nappies for bed and during the daytime sometimes and it did bother him. We ended up splitting after 7 months (I kicked him out of my apartment because he was a liar, thief and a drug user) I have since met another man through a website for adult babies (yes I am adult baby too) he is also adult baby and our relationship has been going 8 months now and it is amazing. Nappies play a part, but aren't the basis of our relationship. The best thing about it for us is that we don't have to explain it to each other and can be who and what we want to be. I would be very scared being with a man for a long time before telling him I am into nappies, there are 2 ways of looking at it though. If you tell him when the relationship is new, he hasn't had time to fall in love with you, but you generally find people if they can't accept it, if they find out longer into the relationship can feel angry, upset or feel you have lied to them and can't trust you. So there is never going to be a good or bad time to tell someone.
My advice would be fot you to tell them only when you feel ready to. I live in Manchester, England. Attitudes here are generally relaxed and people open minded, I have been very lucky.
Hope this helps, best of luck xx
hi just call me bany am 62 years old and for any lady to love and take care of me I love to brest feed and humelliatrd in publike as a baby looking for a mommy phone me at 1 870 438 5050
Itˇs in point of fact a nice and useful piece of information. I am satisfied that you just shared this helpful information with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.
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