My Husband Won't Stop Asking Me to Cuckold Him! Also: Should I dump my man after he raided our kid's college fund to pay for his affair?

I love my husband of 20 years, but our sexual differences are putting a strain on our marriage. Ten years ago, he asked me to talk dirty to him about having sex with other men. It has progressed to him wanting to be a cuckold. I only want to be with him, but he presses the issue by verbalizing cuckold situations during sex. This makes me close my eyes and shut down. By the time he is done, I have no desire to orgasm because I no longer feel attractive. Worse, I feel like I am not enough for him. The only way he can get off is to talk about, think about, or hear me talk about having sex with other men. It makes me feel worthless as a sex partner—which is crazy, because I am attractive and open to a great deal of things (toys, games, dressing up, striptease, etc.). I long for him to touch me, kiss me, and look at me the way he used to. He is a good father and a good provider, and I love him. But this matter is crushing my self-esteem. I won’t stay much longer if this continues. —Extremely Frustrated Female Experiencing Despair

Your husband was probably reading cuckolding blogs for years before he worked up the nerve to raise the subject, EFFED, and here’s what he’s gleaned: Husband brings it up, wife shoots it down, husband whines, wife agrees to explore it as fantasy only, and then one day—after months or years of dirty talk—wife announces she wants to give it a try. She winds up loving it, she says she regrets waiting so long, and husband lives happily ever after in cuckolded bliss. Reading so many cuckolding success stories—many likely fictitious—has left your husband convinced that if he just keeps at it, one day his wife will want to try it. (Some wives do try it and like it. I got a letter from a woman who’s angry that her husband—after years of dirty talk and a half-dozen cuckolding experiences—has decided that it isn’t for him after all. He doesn’t want her sleeping with other men; she doesn’t want to go back to sleeping with just him. Dr. Cuckenstein created a monster.)

Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you don’t want to hear about cuckolding anymore. Period. He is free to think about whatever he wants to during sex—we all are—but he has to keep his cuckolding fantasies to himself. Wrap up the convo by informing him that from now on, your sex sessions end the moment the subject of you sleeping with other men is raised. No more closing your eyes and waiting for him to finish. (And what kind of asshole can finish under those circumstances?) If he brings up other men, EFFED, get off the bed, get out of the bedroom, and go to the kitchen and have some ice cream. Your husband needs to find a new erotic script that works for you both. The incentive for him: Since you are open to many things—toys, games, dressing up, striptease—a fantasy scenario that turns you on is likely to become a reality scenario pretty quickly.

Finally, EFFED, cuckolds don’t see their wives as unattractive. Cuckolds see their wives as so desirable—and so insatiable—that they’re incapable of giving their wives all of the sexual attention they deserve. But I can see why you’re upset. You want sex to be about the two of you, about the intimacy you share (or used to share), and your inconsiderate husband is always running his mouth about people who aren’t in the room. It’s understandable that you would feel like you’re not enough for him after 10 years of this bullshit. But your husband’s cuckolding fantasies don’t mean he finds you unattractive—they mean the exact opposite. —Dan

I am a 28-year-old married straight male. I have a lot of confusion regarding my sexual orientation and gender identity, and I am in therapy. My question for you is about my current self-pleasuring routine. I get high and watch “sissy self-hypnosis” videos. These videos consist of text, pictures, and subliminal suggestions aimed at hypnotizing straight males into some kind of “mind control” sex slavery. Some are about cuckolding and femdom; some are about being brainwashed into sucking cock. It is all done in a really amateurish and (hopefully) ineffective way. Am I destroying my brain here? —Man Wondering About Hypnosis

I haven’t encountered any glassy-eyed straight guys wandering around my gay neighborhood offering to suck cock, so I’m thinking these videos are ineffective. They sound like a harmless way for an otherwise healthy, stable straight guy to fantasize about ceding his power and privilege to people the culture taught him to regard as weak and inferior, i.e., women and fags. That said, MWAH, it doesn’t sound like you’re an otherwise healthy, stable straight guy. You’re confused about your sexual orientation and gender identity, and you’re working on those issues with a shrink. That being the case, MWAH, I think you might wanna avoid these videos for the time being. —Dan

I always told myself that I would forgive my husband if he cheated on me. Well, he had an affair for eight months. He also blew through our savings and racked up considerable credit-card debt. The college fund we started for our two children is gone. He spent all of the money on fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and incredible vacations for his girlfriend. I am so angry, I can’t imagine staying. My husband ended the affair and wants desperately to save our marriage. As much as it pains me to subject my kids to divorce, I don’t know if I can commit to him again. Is the best option to DTMFA? —Heartbroken

Sexual infidelity is one thing—and it’s a relatively common thing (so people should go into marriage prepared to work through it)—but we’re not talking about one thing here. We’re talking about a whole series of betrayals. Your husband betrayed you sexually and financially. He stole from you. He stole from his own children.

Now, I can understand thinking with your dick (because I have a dick), and we can all imagine a circumstance in which we might succumb to temptation (because we all experience temptation). But I cannot even begin to wrap my head around how someone could spend his own children’s college fund—in addition to his family’s savings (and taking on debt!)—on gifts, trips, and meals for his piece-of-shit on the side. (Not all “other women” are pieces of shit, but anyone who would allow her married lover to spend that kind of money on her in eight months is a flaming piece of shit.)


It’s advice, H, not binding arbitration. You are free to make up your own mind. And while I couldn’t see staying if I were in your shoes, I could see myself meeting with a marriage counselor a few times before pulling the plug—for the sake of the kids. —Dan

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Our Readers Say

Divorce his ass, Heartbroken. And know that there are people out there who wouldn't do that, and if they did they wouldn't have the nerve to if saving the marriage is a good idea.
Frustrated wife. Point Blank honey tell him that he's done talking about it you're not going to do it don't bring it up again. or else.
I think it is over for you guys. I just have a question or maybe a statement.

First off cuckolding is a pretty common fantasy for married men let me state that first.

Why have you been playing along for so long if it makes you sick ? You should never do something you aren't into. That's selling your self out.

But who's fault is it that he believes you are into cuckolding. You have led him on for years apparently.

I don't see it as his fault really. I see it as you were untruthful.

You didn't have the courage to tell him the truth. That's your fault. Not his right.

He may have went too far ,but why did he do this ?

For you right. It's what he thought you wanted. He had the guts tell you what turned him on , but you have them to be honest.

You can't be mad at your husband because you were dishonest with him. If you had been truthful and he persisted anyway then it falls on him. That is wrong if you told him it repulses you , and your never gonna do it. But that really isn't the case here.

Because of your dishonesty it ruined your relationship. It has happened to me also. So I do understand and am sorry for that. But the fact remains.

Susan, I think that her truth is that she never did entertain the notion. He, on the other hand, has given himself over to an addiction. His continued entertainment of this particular fantasy is destroying his life. She should consult a therapist and run by her the idea of an intervention. The guy needs to have his head pulled out of his ass. The castle of his id is in danger of collapsing with the next wave. I'm all for fantasy, but this is one of those which cuts to the quick of self-identity and self-esteem. My suspicion is that this ranks somewhere close to incest in the pantheon of those best not explored in RL for most folks.

(Note, please, that I'm not being judgmental here. Were he a closet bi or a guy with an impregnable ego in the RW, then maybe it can work. Then, there are those for whom the masochism is the thing. That's likely to be the most stable for his part, but it requires the partner to be a well-matched sadist and is very problematic with kids who've yet to fledge.)
Regarding cuckolding, it is a fantasy for lots of married men but not one many take to reality. For my wife of 26 years, we started a cuckolded marriage about 9 years ago and are happy as hell but thats because it works for both of us and not just one of us. Honestly I think if I wasnt happy with it and tried to stop it, my wife would tell me no way. Thats how much she is into it. I have become submissive to her and do all the housework and basically serve her every wish and desire AND she gets to have any hot hunky man she wants. AND we are more in love than ever so please dont write off cuckolding as only a fantasy. LOTS of regular couples are discovering the joys of this type of relationship. As my wife says "I get to have my cake and eat it too."
It's reasonable for you to refuse to go along with your husband's cuckold fantasies. But I'm not sure why it makes you feel unattractive. He obviously finds you very, very hot or he wouldn't be seeking the pornographic thrill of seeing you with another man.

If he's into being cuckolded, then he's probably into submission in general. Do you feel any dominant urges sexually? Maybe you can find some areas where your kinky urges intersect.

Finally, a lot of cuckold males are also bisexual. They want to perform oral sex on their wife's lover, for example. So you might want to see if that's part of his issue.
Once a man gets a taste of the cuckold lifestyle and decides he loves it, there's not much that can be done to save him. He will never stop trying to convince his wife to embrace it, because he will never understand how any woman could resist the freedom of flirting and dating other man while she knows her husband will be faithful to only her, worship the ground she walks on and go to the ends of the earth to make her happy. He will cook all the meals, do all the luandry, paint her toenails and even go to great extents to selectively help her find a new boyfriend if she will let him. Sorry to say, but going back to 1 to 1 intimacy will never fill the void.
Very common fantasy and you would be surprised how many couples are doing this. As long as you're playing safe, condoms etc. it's a very erotic, fun time!9
My husband and I love our relationship, no deceit and no regret. I would stop if he asked me too but I don't see that happening. It's a lot more popular than people would think. If you think your husband hasn't imagined you with another man, you are mistaken. Enjoy and is a lot of fun!
To EFFED: Using toys, games, dressing up implies fantasizing about a 3rd person isn't it? You are angry because you've giving him what he wanted but he didn't give you back the affection you lounge for. (Not necessarily in bed but during the day).
Try talking in bed about being with another women making love to him and how good is he satisfying both of you, that should bring a different perspective in his mind, although I believe you've been accepting his behavior for so also for your enjoyment just that you moved on and he's still stuck on that fantasy. Plus lack of affection outside the bedroom doors.
You sound like a prude. Who cares what turns him on.
He's your husband; do it. Or get the F out so he can find someone who will. People are all anarchistic and stuck on the crap that society preaches. There is no norm -- only desires.
I have been in the cuckhold lifestyle with my boyfriend of 9 years I only do it for his satisfaction. I personally hate thetouch the voice and the sex from another man. I get itfrom his perspective and yes I understand that he feels like I am his one and only but at times the whole thing involved in this is just way too much work. I have yet to fuck another man and think ooo this is fabulous, never once has there been the intimate breathtaking perfect sex that I have with my boyfriend who fucks like a rock star. I do it because I love g
Him and then I lie about how great it was.even though he knows this it still works for him. But I totally understand how you feel
Take all comments with a grain of salt. The internet is not a very good place to obtain advice on important issues. All studies have shown that no matter what the subject, there are more people who either do what they are saying that they are doing or posing as a knowledgeable person, than there are real posters. Not pointing fingers, just a fact.

I often see posts encouraging the wife or telling her that it is common to do this or that. These posts seem to come from young men who read the fantasy stories and think that they are the rules to be followed for a successful cuckold experience. No one seems to make up their own fantasy anymore.

My wife and I tried it once and she hated it and I was bored as it was not going like it does in the stories. It was awkward between them, the guy was not hung like a horse, he had trouble getting an erections with me in the room and could not go for hours. My wife kept complaining that he was hurting her and doing things she did not like. It was a bust and we called it quits and left. The reality was nothing like the fantasy. Then there is the issue of safe sex. In most stories the man goes bareback because that feeds the cleanup fantasy of men. In real life, woman demand protection, especially when dealing with strangers.

My wife and I got involved with our local swinger's club and messed around with them a little. That was pre-AIDS. What we noticed scared us away from that life. There was always drama because the woman or man would form an emotional bond with someone and then tended to only have sex with that one person until their partner took notice and told them not to form an emotional bond. Instead of doing that, they got together behind their partner's back. One of two things happened. They were either caught cheating or ran off with their new love. Either way, their marriage was over. The same happened with wife swapping and guys who liked to watch their wives with others so that they see their woman as being desirable, like they would a fancy car.

In short, every one, and that is about 12 couples over the last 45 years, ended up divorced and remarried, often to people they met while having sex outside of their marriage. We are the only ones out of that group that is still married. No matter what rules you set up or promises made. The heart wants what the heart wants and most men do not realize that women tend to form emotional bonds with the men they have sex with, unlike most men.

They also do not realize that it is their fantasy and not their partner.s or her lover's. They will feed his fantasy because they both get a hall pass to have sex with others. I have been on both sides of cuckolding and quite frankly, the married women I was with, did not think much of their husbands because of what they had become. They told him what he wanted to hear but then would bad mouth them all the time. Emotional bonds were formed and the wives would often tell me that they just gave their husbands quick sex to get him out of their hair. Those that called their husbands after sex, would make up stories about the sex we supposedly just had. They told their husbands what they wanted to hear about my huge penis (just average), 5 orgasms she had (Nope, she had one and it took me almost an hour to get her there) and how I could get hard again in just minutes after my last ejaculation (nope, I needed at least an hour and most times we just did it once). As they told me, as long as they could have sex with other men and not have to have sex with their husbands either at all or much, they would just feed his fantasy version of what we were doing,.

There was only one woman who was able to maintain a cuckold marriage. She was my wife's girlfriend which we shared for 35 years. We had a relationship that involved love, prior to her marriage so she went online and found a guy with money that was looking to be cuckolded. She married him and he was happy that she only cuckolded him with us as that was much safer. We also liked the fact that we felt safe and secure in our arrangement because although my wife and I loved our g/f, neither of us could live with her.

BTW, sex with someone new is always exciting and seems like a better relationship than what you have. That is because you are just having sex and not living with each other involved in the daily relationship issues that real life throws at you. Proceed at your own risk but the odds are stacked against you despite the garbage you read on the internet. I always tell people to see if these true stories every involve someone peeing. Yep, in most stories posted, no one has to go to the bathroom during a four hour marathon of sex. No one gets uncomfortable and everyone follows the same exact script of the online porn stories. No one seems capable of making up their own fantasies anymore. They all adopt the ones they read online.

Lastly, the cuckold has to realize that you and your lovers, do not share his fantasy or picture it the same exact way as he does. He will try to direct you and your lover and that never works. The worse that we have seen is that the husband cannot take how intimate his wife is with another man and getting more pleasure from him than from her husband. They whisper and share small intimacies with each other. They kiss and do the things that new lovers do. In the fantasy this all sounds great but in reality, it evokes strong emotions and if those emotions are negative, the husband ends up viewing his wife as a whore because she enjoyed what he asked her to enjoy. I have seen it for myself. Couples arguing afterwards because she did things to the new guy that she would not do for her husband. She kissed him to long, etc.. The husband was expecting things to go the way they did in his fantasy but instead got a does of reality.
Many critics would be stunned to know the vast number of couples do this, love it, and thrive - worldwide. If you both enjoy it, and go about it safely (safe sex etc.), it can bring a couple far closer together than many couples that don't. It can also tear a marriage apart if the male isn't capable of handling jealousy when it becomes real. Some men actually transform their jealous feelings/fears into a potent sexual stimulant/aphrodisiac - a phenomenon called 'Compersion'. Compersion experienced by women, while it exists, is far less common. That explains why many women can't fathom why the husband wants her to be with another male so badly and typically has absolutely no desire to be with any other woman himself. Her extra-curricular play makes her a true goddess in his eyes - no other woman nor pornography could possibly match that for him, and it typically has nothing to do with a oft-made charge that the man has hidden homosexual desires - heck, if that were the case he'd not be interested in his woman playing - he'd be out scoping males. The other relationship risk is for the woman - its called NRE, New Relationship Energy. many women who have sex with a new partner can't avoid developing some degree of emotional connection with her lover which makes for an even more pleasurable experience for her, but a few fall for the new and shiny, only to discover that when the new and shiny wears off - and it almost always does after a few months - that the new lover is a terrible LIFE partner and if she left the husband for the new male, both end up losing.

Couples who do this successfully for many years already have rock solid marriages without major issues. Their commitment and loyalty to each other as life partners is unbreakable no matter with whom they might become involved. They tend to have a level of trust, openness, and honestly the vast majority of couples cannot fathom and wish they could have and could only dream about.

I have to fully agree with others that say that once a man wants this it is not something that will with be easily extinguished or suppressed - it is in their DNA. The best you can hope for it he'll just enjoy it as private thoughts, but you will know that he will always be thinking it. Frankly, I'd prefer being totally open and honest rather than be one of the huge percentage of statistics where nearly one in two partners of every marriage cheat. Couples who engage in this life style have no reason to cheat and rarely do - they don't have to.

Morally right or wrong? That's something for each of us to decide for ourselves individually. As long as its consensual it is perfectly legal and there are millions of others that engage in many other forms of alternate sexual lifestlye, from swinging to BDSM and everything else in between. Don't approve of it? Then don't do it, but I think you'd be morally wrong to judge others who do enjoy whatever their kink whom are perfectly content and happy.


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