Check Out My Ass! No, seriously. Check it out.

Robert Ullman

Here’s a hypothetical for you: You’ve been corresponding with a handsome young man who lives in Paris. You know him through a friend in France, and your friend has vetted him. He has offered to pay more than half of your airfare so that you can visit him in Paris. You’ve spoken to him on the phone, and hearing him speak to you in French makes your knees weak.

On the one hand, you can’t really afford it—and although he’s agreed to help you pay, you feel guilty for accepting his help. You’re also not working, and once you get a job you won’t be able to go. You live with your parents, and you don’t know how you’d explain taking a trip when you’re not working and technically broke. But if your parents disappeared into thin air, you wouldn’t hesitate to go. The trip also might turn out to be a crushing disappointment and a huge mistake. On the other hand, you might be passing up the romantic adventure of a lifetime. And he’s just…so…pretty.

Do you go? —Anxious Straight Girl

P.S. I am attaching his photo so you can see why I’m considering this. I trust you will not publish it?


You can trust me not to publish the picture, ASG, but anyone who wants an idea of what this boy looks like is invited to quickly Google “Gaspard Ulliel,” turn those blue eyes brown, take a moment to masturbate, and then come back and finish reading this week’s column.

OK, ASG, hypothetically…I go.

I lie to my parents. I tell them a friend—someone they know, someone who’ll lie for me—lent me the money and I’m going to go spend a few days in France with my friend (the same one who vetted this boy) before I land a job.


I wouldn’t be going at all if a friend hadn’t vetted this guy. And I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have somewhere to stay besides this boy’s place. And I would treat our first meeting like any first meeting with a stranger I’d met online: That first meeting would be in a public place; I would let someone know where I was going and who I was with; and it wouldn’t be an open-ended date, i.e., I would see him for lunch and have ironclad plans to hang out with other friends later that same afternoon.

I would also go to France with my bullshit detector fully charged. This guy is damn good-looking, for sure, but it’s not like there’s a shortage of good-looking French girls. So why is he pining away for an American girl he might never meet—I’m a girl in this hypothetical, right?—with so much French pussy at his disposal? Maybe he’s so smitten with me that French pussy won’t do…or…maybe he’s a socially maladapted leotard who can’t get laid despite his looks. I would be tempted to conclude that it’s the former, of course, but I would remind myself not to overestimate my awesomeness and to be on the lookout for signs of social leotardation once I met the dude.

And finally, ASG, if I went to France and didn’t hit it off with this boy, I would thank my lucky stars that my internet crush lived in Paris, France, and not Paris, Texas, and enjoy the trip—and any other French boys—regardless. —Dan


I’m a 28-year-old heterosexual male with a politics question and a sex question. I’ve seen you on television talking about the shitty job President Obama has done on gay rights so far. My question is this: Obama said he was against gay marriage during the campaign. How could you support a candidate who sees your love as worth less than heterosexual love? I’m surprised that you were such an ardent supporter of someone who doesn’t believe that gay and lesbian couples deserve to marry. If I were gay, I’d automatically dismiss any candidate who didn’t support full equality for gay people. Hell, I’m straight and I’m pretty close to doing that.

Also: I recently slept with a women who squirted when she came. She demanded that I pull out when she began to come. Is there some reason women who squirt don’t want a dick inside them when they do? Curious if you had any insight on this.

Love the column,

—Pro Equality and Chicks Ejaculating

P.S. Here’s a pic. Thought it might persuade you to answer my questions. Feel free to share it with your readers.


Thanks for allowing me to share that picture of your ass with my readers, PEACE, because if any backside deserves a worldwide audience, it’s yours. To see the photo, dear readers, click here.


During the Democratic primary, I was fond of saying that I was “for Clinton or Obama or both.” So I wouldn’t describe myself as an ardent Obama supporter. But I was pretty in the tank by the time of the election. And like most gays and lesbians, I’ve been severely disappointed by President Obama’s refusal to move on the promises that candidate Obama made to the gay and lesbian community. I was willing to be patient, though—until the Obama administration compared gay marriage to incest and child rape when arguing for the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. That’s when I blew my big gay stack.

But that doesn’t answer your question: Why would I support a candidate who views my love for my partner as somehow inferior to his love for his wife? Because I’m not an idiot. Because I’m not a single-issue voter and Obama was better on other issues—on gay issues and every other issue—than his Republican opponent. Because politics is about the art of the possible and, I’m sorry, Dennis Kucinich just wasn’t possible.

As for the squirtin’ ladies: I talked to three, and all three said that the contractions they experience as they ejaculate are so intense—and so “outward directed” in the words of one—that they want everything out at once: their come and anything else that should happen to be in ’em when they blow their loads. Added one of my friends: “He had a squirter right there in front of him—why didn’t he ask her? She has some insight on it, no doubt.”


HAPPY ANNIVERSARY: The police in Fort Worth, Texas, marked the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall rebellion—three nights of rioting sparked by a “routine” police raid on a gay bar in New York City—by raiding a gay bar called the Rainbow Lounge. One of the men arrested, Chad Gibson, was so brutally assaulted by the police that, as of this writing, he remains hospitalized with a life-threatening brain injury.

Police Chief Jeff Halstead claims that the men at the Rainbow Lounge made lewd advances toward his officers and specifically accused Gibson, a slight 26-year-old, of groping one of his cops. This preposterous claim is contradicted by eyewitness accounts and photographic evidence.

We can’t let the police in Fort Worth use the Gay Panic Defense (“That fag touched me, so of course I beat him nearly to death!”) to excuse this brutal violation of the civil rights of Fort Worth’s gay community. If you’re on Facebook, please show your support by joining the Rainbow Lounge Raid group ( And please e-mail or call the mayor of Fort Worth—Mike Moncrief, (817) 392-6118,—and demand a full investigation into the raid on the Rainbow Lounge and that charges be brought against the officers who assaulted Chad Gibson.


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Our Readers Say

When did the City Paper become such a trashy read! If this is the best you got to get your customer base up - I feel very sad for your establishment. Or maybe this is just where DC is now - just moved back in the area and this is just appalling!
@Avid Reader
This column is nationally syndicated and has been running for more than a decade.
Avid Reader, you twit, this is Savage Love. You either LOVE IT or LEAVE IT ALONE!!!
Avid reader, u inbreed idiot, this column is not written in DC, get a lif or get off!!
Avid Reader: Blow me. Go read the Post.
LMAO @ Avid Reader railing against the quality of this paper while jerking to his National Geographic...Only 'acceptable' highbrow smut for this one

re straight marriage vs gay marriage:

The problem is as usual is that people think that they are the salt of the earth until it's rammed down their throat, and are happy to think that peope who are not like them are shit until that's rubbed in their face enough for them to grudgingly accept it.

So, since gays are maybe 10% of the population, the odds are simply not on their side. And they grudgingly accept it.

I would just not care about marriage. If it's that important to straights, why do gays want it. Take it from someone who knows more than he wants to know about prejudice and bigotry. It's the longing for the trappings of the majority that keeps them in power over the minority. Be like the Latinos. Flip straights the bird and do what you want to do...amongst yourselves.
Anxious Straight Girl, watch the movie Taken before you decide. Just sayin'.
I do agree with Avid Reader..we have come so far and yet the strides of life and decaying before our eyes and we can't even see it with the best of vision. What we now call news is no more filth of this world! Yes, everyone says it sales and everyone is doing it....freedom of speech...of course that freedom has been skewed tremendously! now it is somewhat of a curse for the initial freedom of speech didn't include any immorality or sexuality comments. Enjoy it while you can if that is the desired nature, The end is not far away!

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