The Roster
Today, there is a sadness. It's heavy and awkward; difficult to balance. A bit like trying to carry a sectional couch up a flight of stairs.
Today, I'm thinking about jobs and careers and home loans and car repair. I'm thinking about Labyrinth, because it's playing at one of the movie theaters. I'm thinking about that line where David Bowie says, “Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave,” and Jennifer Connelly responds with, “You have no power over me.” She's a tough broad, that Jennifer Connelly. I'd do anything David Bowie told me to do.
I'm thinking about the Roster. In college, I thought the Roster was very important. I thought that the Roster absolutely needed to be shared at the beginning of a new relationship, so everyone was on the same page with their sexual histories. This is also when I thought that one "made love” in a relationship and that “fucking” was morally reprehensible. I thought that if a couple didn't share their complete Rosters with each other, including one-night stands and threesomes, it was a sign of poor communication. I also knew everything in college, in a patronizing and unyielding manner. Now I don't know anything. Although I do tend to be patronizing and unyielding about it, particularly when faced with people who think they know something. Nobody knows anything. Everybody knows that.
At any rate, we're all just doing the best we can.
I don't care so much about the Roster anymore. I am fascinated by it, though. I think it's a result of living in the hook-up generation. Everyone has such long Rosters, and it's populated by a run-in with so-and-so, or meeting someone at a bar, or a brief stint with that person and a tryst with this person. I never cease to be amazed at people's ability to get laid, so frequently, and yet in such a random fashion. It's like a girl always needs to shave her legs, no matter what, because what if she ends up having sex tonight with someone she hasn't met yet? It's best to be prepared for these things, because sex is always an option. And you have to think about sheets. If you're going to get into a man's bed, you have wonder when he last washed his sheets. Does he wash them after every girl? Doubtful. In the hook-up culture, that would be a lot of washing.
The ability to hustle a little ass whenever and wherever you want is also fascinating to me. I was a late sexual bloomer—when one-night stands were happening left and right around me in college, I couldn't figure it out. How were people doing all this? How were they convincing people to have sex with them on such short notice? How do you even begin the conversation?
It's not such a mystery to me now, but I still find the simultaneous frequency and random nature of the hook-up culture to be fascinating. The sheer size of the average Roster in the hook-up culture is pretty impressive. There is no social commentary here, no questions about self-esteem or diseases or intimacy or “How have we reached this point and what does it say about our values and relationships?” None of that. We get enough of that when we hear about the Gen X and Yers and how we play too many video games and we have too much debt and we're self-absorbed, and we're this and we're that. Let's take a break from all that shit; passing qualitative judgment is tiring.
Let's just reflect on the Roster. Compiling it has been an interesting ride, hasn't it?
13 Comments:
At 1:39 PM, d-bo said...
I'm a late bloomer myself, and I'm shocked at how large my roster has grown since I've "bloomed." Sometimes, the whole process is overwhelming and still a mystery, and other times it's so easy it seems like you can get laid by accident (I mean when you're not even looking or trying.) It's been great, for the most part. There isn't one woman on the Roster who didn't provoke me, or challenge me, or change me in some way. I don't regret having any of them on the Roster, though some might have been on the Roster too long for their own good (or mine), but I'm going to play by the rules and leave it there, because going further in my case would have to lead into some kind of "qualitative judgment."
At 2:02 PM, Anonymous said...
So Mela, share the Roster with us.
At 2:29 PM, Mela said...
As I said, the Roster really isn't that important to me these days. Hence, there's no reason to share it.
At 2:37 PM, Anonymous said...
I saw Labrynth at AFI a couple days ago and of course it was amazing, but there is a great show at the black cat tonight. So everyone should come to that.
At 2:48 PM, d-bo said...
Yeah, Mela, tell us. How'd your mysteries unravel? What changed your mind about "making love" and "fucking?" You don't have to go Jessica Cutler on us (unless you want to), but how'd you meet the guys on the Roster? How did things play out?
At 3:09 PM, Anonymous said...
D and I have never discussed the Roster and for that I am grateful. I don't think discussing every sexual partner I have ever had prior to D would make our relationship any better or stronger. That's not to say we dont talk about sex and what we need/expect, we can comfortably speak to one another about anything. We just dont beat one another over the head with our Rosters and it is better for us.
At 3:30 PM, Anonymous said...
Yeah, I used to think everyone's Rosters had gotten huge, too, until I read this in a 7/13/06 NY Times article by Stefanie Rosenbloom on the word "Slut".
"There seems to be a mysterious line between being experienced and being a slut, and no one can put a number on it. According to a government report released last year (?Sexual Behavior and Selected Health Measures?), men age 30 to 44 have had a median of six to eight sexual partners in their lifetimes. The women?s median was about four."
"Six to eight partners"! Where the hell do they find these guys? Seminaries? From here on out, I'm keeping my Roster to my goddamn self.
At 3:47 PM, Mela said...
Woah! I would have put the average at more like 30 partners- and I'm being serious. That's really what I thought.
*Which does not answer the above questions about my own roster, mind you*
At 11:13 PM, Anonymous said...
The Roster isn't important to you now so you don't share it in your blog. Strangely, it is important to us reading. So who wins out?
At 11:38 PM, Anonymous said...
I'm less interested in Mela's roster than I am in how so many hookups happen. I'm alone for the first time in 14 years at 37 and find this city -- crowded with like minded, intelligent, motivated, and beautiful people -- to be profoundly lonely. I'd love nothing more than to have a series of TMRs (temporarily meaningful relationships), or even better - a real relationship, but I don't even know where to start. Mela- a little advice for a nice guy?
At 7:37 AM, Anonymous said...
I had someone ask me for my roster and I just kept mum. He said three and then I caught him telling me about a fourth, but didn't call him out. Why is it that in this culture of hook-ups people insist on playing down the number? For every person on your roster, I'm sure at that moment you had sex, there was a good reason, regardless how you feel now.
At 10:32 AM, mela said...
A) I really, truly have no idea how so many hook-ups happen. As one commenter said, they seem to happen by accident. I think being on a dating website is a good catalyst, at least in my experience.
B)I think we're still suffering from the residual of puritan ethics- I think we still have some guilt about the length of our rosters, because somewhere, deep in the recesses of our little brains, we worry that we will be judged. I know we all like to think we've shaken those archaic ideas, and I think on the surface we have, but I think underneath the surface, they're still lurking for a lot of us.
At 1:24 PM, Anonymous said...
Mela,
Nice use of the B angst in your new piece. (Ok, maybe poor choice of words!) That's why you are a writer and most of us never will be. You can dredge deep within yourself and articulate thoughts the rest of us can only feel and express as "a feeling" or "uneasiness".
cwat
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