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I still haven't decided if I'm going to call him back. There are a million reasons not to. There's really only one reason that I would.
List of Reasons Not to Call
1) He's hitting on the girl who set us up. I think he thinks he's doing it in secret.
2) He keeps a website of the women he's slept with. He won't give me the link (predictable, typical, obvious--but worth asking anyway).
3) He never responded to that text I sent (Indication of game-playing. Either way, it's rude--yes, of course there could be a million reasons he didn't respond, like:
o he was busy for five days
o his mother died
o he was hit by a bus
o he's just not that into me
o he's toying with me.
Outside of subreasons two and three, it's just rude. Subreason one is bullshit.)
4) He called on Friday, expecting I would call him back immediately (of course--I mean, why wouldn't I?), even though he never responded to that text I sent (see #3).
5) I'm not so sure we're a good match (but it's also a little too early to tell).
Reasons numbers 1 and 2 clearly exclude him from the running for Prince Charming. (Clearly.)
Reason number five could be a premature conclusion.
Reason number three could be him playing games or it could be me being hyper-sensitive.
But reasons numbers 1 and 2 are an automatic out. Next, please.
Those are the reasons I wouldn't call him back.
List of Reasons To Call
1) Hope.
This is a complicated list. Reason number one very easily multiplies into a million, a very complicated million, and that million almost always outweighs the Reasons-Not-To-List. Each and every last reason in the Call-Him-Back-List are "what ifs" and "maybes," but they are very, very convincing.
Maybe he was just kidding about the website. Maybe he'll fall madly in love with me and I'll be the girl he takes it down for. Maybe he was hit by a bus, and that's why he didn't return my text. But he was so sweet when he held my hands across the table. And he did finally call. What if he really likes me? What if he's The One and I'm judging him too harshly on too little information?
Hope can be a harsh mistress. Because at the end of the day, all anybody really wants is to be held by someone who loves them, and who they love back. And here there's another specimen in front of you, and--well, you start to hope.
I consulted Amelia and her Math Teacher Hubby. Amelia said, "Let it go (in response to reason number two)." Her husband quoted Bad Company and their work of genius, "Movin' On? (also in response to reason number 2).
I consulted the Tragically Perfect Heterosexual. "Oh, yeah, let him go," he said, again in response to reason number 2.
Of course I won't call him back (see reason number 2). But hope makes me double back and question myself. So I just did a few consultations. Just to be safe.
He's not kidding about the website (why would he be?) He's not in love with me and he won't take down the website for me. He wasn't hit by a bus. He was sweet when he held my hands across the table (a lot of people will do a lot of things to get laid). He did finally call (a lot of people will do a lot of things to get laid).
Maybe he does really like me. (Warning, see reason number 2.)
I'm not going to call him back.
16 Comments:
At 4:17 PM, Anonymous said...
Hope is the bitch that keeps us down. Otherwise, we would see quite clearly. We are smart(er than them), intelligent beings and it is ridiculous that we torture ourselves to such levels.
I too hope. I've been sleeping with this guy on and off for 10 years. Three months ago I swore it was for the last time... What did I just do? Slept with him again this past weekend! Did I expect anything new? God--I am so stupid. NOTHING has changed! HOPE...she is the bitch to us all.
At 5:24 PM, Anonymous said...
This is what I think...
If he has a website of women he has slept with then he needs to take a hike and re-evualate his life goals.
Any man that feels the need to post his sexual intercounters is lacking in many areas.
I think you can find someone a little less vain and probably more mentally entertaining, meaning: if YOU know he is playing games then he obivously does not know how to play the game very well b/c the whole point of playing games is to be deceptive and manipulate the situation to your benefit.
RK
At 6:41 PM, Anonymous said...
I think he's watched the movie Hitch once too often and knows what buttons to push regardless if he cares. blb
At 7:01 PM, James in reply said...
Your posting is mildly entertaining...but factually incorrect.
For those who don't know me, you can call me James. For reference "James" is "Him".
I thought it only appropriate to reply...and I'll keep it in numerical order.
1. The girl who set us up contacted me after our date and I replied for two reasons:
1. It would be rude not too, seeing as she did set us up.
2. After chatting with you over dinner, you gave me the impression that she might have been upset re her pics, hence why I replied. As for hitting on her...I don't know what you classify as "hitting on her", but to date you and then to hit on your friend would be rude.
If you were curious as to what I was thinking/feeling, maybe it would've been better for you to email me than getting her too.
2. Over dinner we discussed your job and what you do etc... I recall you saying that you wouldn't write anything about me. The fact that you said this I felt comfortable talking with you, you are easy to talk to and I liked that about you.
The fact that you've gone back on your word... that I don't appreciate.
I will go on the record and say Yes, I have a physical recording of my past girls etc that I have met. I am not ashamed of it and I am only to happy to admit it, btw you never asked for the link.
3. A million reasons... no there's not. There are a couple though:
1. At dinner I told you that I don't text.
2. I was away with work last week (refer to dinner conversation)
3. I don't toy with people, get hit by buses, my Mum is fine...
4. Yes I called last week, I was on my way home. Actually I was mid journey, about to get on the plane in Chicago and was ringing to say hi and see if you wanted to meet over the weekend...so if you saw that I called, why didn't you call back?
5. Why so you think that we're not so good a match? the fact that I didn't call? maybe we are, maybe were not, but you could have called...
So you say there's a million reasons not too and you've listed them... and you say there's one reason that you would, what is that? Because you didn't list it...
This annoys me a little bit - reference number two... it's ok for you to have this "blog" (I hate that word - blog) and express your feelings and thoughts on life and you get upset when people who don't know you write shit unfairly.
And to all you judgemental wankers, spare a thought when your being nasty - she could be your sister!
As I was saying... the fact that I post online a listing of the girls I've been with isn't for you to judge or anyone else... I don't judge you based upon what you write...I judge you on what I see, feel and hear.
As for Amelia and her husband making judgements/quotes... what skeletons does (s)he have in her/his closet? Remember the story I told you about my ex friend in the UK and she married her husband with out disclosing everything... the difference is I'm not hiding anything.
I'm an open book, this is who I am, what's the point in hiding?
"He did finally call (a lot of people will do a lot of things to get laid)." - that's just uncalled for.
Unsure as to how I now feel...
James
At 8:55 PM, Anonymous said...
word up, james. two sides to every story--but hard to know the other side's story without asking. hard to know why the blogger might jump to those conclusions without asking--but pretty good guess it is in response to past encounters with others.
"all anybody really wants is to be held by someone who loves them, and who they love back"--i don't know if everybody wants this--sometimes it is staring you in the face and you still turn away.
hope is doublesided--you may actually have to confront what you hoped for when it appears--this can be even scarier than thinking it will never appear...
At 9:27 PM, Beamtendave said...
Sorry, I gotta weigh on the side of the judgers, James. True, you have perfectly valid reasons for not replying to texts, etc. People have different ideas as to the urgency and import of various forms of communication. ("You didn't respond on Yahoo messenger for 3 whole minutes--what's wrong?")
However, please don't complain that people are judging you when they find out about your little website. Someone trying to be an "open book" as you say should be prepared for the quick judgements of other people. Let's review:
"the fact that I post online a listing of the girls I've been with isn't for you to judge or anyone else..." Oh but it is, my boy. A woman who hears about this has to wonder why you do this. Do you view these women as conquests? Did you get their permission before you posted their pictures? If you say you did, can she trust you? What do you necessarily want out of her? A good shag and some headshots? If you're serious about her, do you really believe she isn't going to be a bit down on the whole online record of your ex's? "Hi, this is my boyfriend. Be sure to visit his site and see all the women he went out with before me, it's awesome!!" You see where this is going, don't you?
"I don't judge you based upon what you write...I judge you on what I see, feel and hear." Writing blogs, posting comments, sending texts, posting pictures on personal websites, they are all forms of expression. And like it or not, when they are shared with others they are going to be judged, fairly or unfairly, and hopefully understood in context. (Picture worth a thousand words, and all that.)
So post to us again, James. Let us know your context. I for one am curious. Perhaps we judgers are mistaken. Of course, I'm not considering sleeping with you... So maybe tailor your answer to the one who is/was/might again in the future.
Dave
At 12:11 AM, James to Dave said...
Dave, in reply:
Just to clarify a few things...
When referring to my "little website", firstly it is a personal site for me and only me. There is no way it will be found by anyone, and even if it was to be discovered it wouldn't mean anything to anyone. I don't consider them conquests, nor do I consider asking for permission. For it is simply a textual based listing of names. No photos, nothing more personal than a name. So that kinda rules out the rest of your questioning, interesting where you were going though.
No one is complaining about finding out about my website, as I told Mela about it. I was being open and honest, much like Mela does here...
Again I must emphasis, no pictures, no personal information etc. I hope that this clarifies to all judgers out there.
I'm happy to hear that you're not planning on sleeping with me :) But I felt I should reply to your posting.
Sincerly yours,
James
At 8:16 AM, Anonymous said...
No man calls a woman on a Friday, for that very weekend, unless he has little respect for her, or really doesn't care.
A good woman, is worth planning to be with.
Mela, not worth your time.
At 10:28 AM, Anonymous said...
i am confused...does work not have email when you travel? was there no other way to contact mela if you were so interested in seeing her over the weekend and do not respond to text. sounds weak.
At 11:04 AM, Anonymous said...
I saw this movie called He Said, She Said. But James was Kevin Bacon and Mel was Elizabeth Perkins.
Does that mean we can now play Six Degrees of James?
t2ed
At 11:54 AM, Anonymous said...
I don't blame you for not calling him back. What are your thoughts on guys who refuse to call and only email and send text messages? I think these guys are worthless and I have now vowed not to return any more of their rotten emails or text messages! If I'm not worth a phone call than you are not worth an email/text!
At 12:01 PM, a guy said...
If I wanted to keep "a textual based listing of names", there would be a lot of options as to where I could keep that list: my head, a piece of paper, a notebook, a pc, a pda, hell - my iPod if I really wanted to. If that list was truly intended "for me and only me", then a web site would not be one of my choices.
At 1:20 PM, Anonymous said...
James is English? It all makes sense now. Beware.
At 7:58 PM, Anonymous said...
Mela, in my experience (and I've had several frustrating ones to cull information from), hope in the face of reasons not to hope is a clear waste of time. But it took me years to learn that.
I learned, despite my desire to be open-minded and nonjudgemental, that the writing is usually on the wall - and often very early. It was only when I started being a little more judgemental and walking away early (which not coincidentally happened at the same time I determined to have more respect for myself) that I found the man who is so, so right for me.
Being open-minded and nonjudgemental should involve being alert for opportunities that don't seem sparkling or exciting at the word hello. In my case, it meant keeping an open mind and paying attention long enough to get to the 4th date... wherein I started falling in love (and it has deepened every day since then). In my case, being nonjudgemental and open-minded meant not to judge my partner for being introverted and slow to self-disclose. But he was a true gentleman in every respect and clearly excited to see me again. He gave me notice, and there were no red flags.
Being open-minded and nonjudgemental does not mean ignoring the writing on the wall or making excuses or creating acceptable stories for why someone behaves badly. That's the kind of hope that is a waste of time.
James, you're a lugnut. No, perhaps asshat is a better word.
"...the fact that I post online a listing of the girls I've been with isn't for you to judge or anyone else... I don't judge you based upon what you write...I judge you on what I see, feel and hear..."
Your excuses are lame. You talk too much. You're one of those people who talk yourself into trouble and then try to talk yourself out of trouble, only talking yourself more into trouble as you go along. Just shut up, learn from the experience and move on.
I agree that a man who has to post his conquests is deeply lacking in more than one arena. You are not a sexually confident man, and the excuse that your website is just for you doesn't fly. The whole purpose of an online format is that it can be shared at will.
It's astonishing to me that you would have this website at all, let alone divulge its existance to a woman you're dating. I question your judgement all around on those two decisions. It's not about being "open and honest." It's not about "keeping it real." It's about you wanting to reassure yourself that there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. Sorry, we're not going to reinforce you. I think you need to examine your character and values... and if you still appreciate who you've chosen to be, go out there and find a woman who doesn't expect much.
AW, AZ
At 8:24 PM, Anonymous said...
is this a forum for blasting people?
a lot of people don't appreciate the fact that james keeps a website with a list of the women he's slept with. that's fine. if you have such issues with it, resolve not to date him and leave it at that. there's no need to go insulting people because you don't agree with what they do. everyone has done things that may be objectionable to others, but it doesn't make them a bad person and i think we all know that.
also, how is mela's blog any different from what he does? it's a log of men she's encountered, and a descriptive one at that. but people seem to appreciate it. hell, i appreciate it, and that's why i read her work.
in short, i'm not trying to defend or explain james--people can think what they will. but i think it's time to give the guy a break. as much as people might not agree with the things he does, there's no reason to insult people. i know that most of the people who are leaving comments tearing him apart are people who love mela and don't want to see her get hurt or deal with bs. i understand that, but maybe it's time to lay off the chap. i mean, what happened to the motocross idea? i think we need to go back to that.
HOORAY FOR MOTOCROSS!!!!
At 8:28 PM, Anonymous said...
I have copyrwrited the Motorcross idea. Any use of this term is unlawful and punishable by stoning (rocks, not chronic).
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